I don't really have much time to do this anymore. Not that I couldn't make time to...I would just rather rest or clean something up. Babies are messy. The rest of thepeople who live here are too so that doesn't help.
Not that much has been going on in my world. And its funny because I don't think it's anything, but now that I'm actually writing about it, it seems like a bit more. I'm going to school!! Its not really school...it's like a trade school. It's called Medix and I'm going to learn to be a Medical Office Assistant. The program will end up taking over a year to complete and I start next month. I'm really nervous about it. I haven't been in a classroom setting in so fucking long...I don't even know where to start. I know that I need to go though, Now I have a son to take care of. That feels good to say.
He's amazing. He really is. Quite a handful, but amazing nonetheless. I absolutely adore him. Its freaking insane to watch him grow and develop daily. And I know that duh, it happens with every single human being on the planet, but its just surreal seeing it firsthand. Having a baby is one of the most wonderful things thats ever happened to me. I love seeing him smile, seeing him sleep, watching him breathe, and I even love it when he cries. He's so full of life.
Its not all peaches and cream. Of course...he's a fussy little prick. e's spoiled as hell. He loves to be held more than any baby I've ever been around. And God can he eat! I've figured out how to keep him from stuffing his face now...we'll see how that works out. Apparently he's huge. Whenever we take him out, people ask how old he is and are astonished when i saw 6 weeks. This past weekend I've seen like 4 jaws literally drop. He's 12 whole pounds. Or at least he was on July 31st. I saw a 5 1/2 month old at the mall that was only 15 pounds. That is kinda scary.
I'd love to sit and blog and blog and blog, but this is one of my few nights to myself and I fully intend on spoiling myself. i'm about to take a nice hot smexy bath. Peaces!!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Whoops.
I guess I'm a horrible blogger.
But that's ok because I'm a great mom. Ha.
I feel bad that i haven't really had the time or energy to get online and blog. Plus I'm always scared that I'l get really into my blog and he'll wake up and I won't finish and blah, blah, blah. So I'm gonna keep this short.
Eric and I are doing great. He's a fussy little baby but its mostly because he's gassy. My brother thinks he may be lactose intolerant and I'm starting to think so myself. It may just be the way he eats though.
And look at this shit...he's waking up. Oh well.
More when I can.
But that's ok because I'm a great mom. Ha.
I feel bad that i haven't really had the time or energy to get online and blog. Plus I'm always scared that I'l get really into my blog and he'll wake up and I won't finish and blah, blah, blah. So I'm gonna keep this short.
Eric and I are doing great. He's a fussy little baby but its mostly because he's gassy. My brother thinks he may be lactose intolerant and I'm starting to think so myself. It may just be the way he eats though.
And look at this shit...he's waking up. Oh well.
More when I can.
Monday, July 6, 2009
My Pussy Hurts
I'm a mommy now.
You have no idea how that feels...unless you're a mother. In that case, yeah you know what I'm talking about. It is surreal. Quite possibly the most out of this world experience you could ever think to face.
First of all...labor. That shit was rude and intense. I have never experienced such pain in all my life and pray to God I never have to endure it again. Seriously. if I get pregnant again, i'm going to request a C-section. I screamed so loud.....and what's worse is that Eric was born at 3:39 AM. Most of the other women in that ward of the hospital were sleeping and I woke them all up. I cursed loud as hell in front of my mother. That was horrible. I concentrated really hard on not doing that more than once. Eric was a doll baby through the entire process. When they held my legs up and I had to push, he was offering me the sweetest words of encouragement. I really didn't know he had it in him.
When I saw him for the first time....I don't even know if there are words to describe the emotions I was feeling. Well...relief would be first because I had just pushed a 7 pound 10 ounce baby out of my vagina. Besides that? An overwhelming sense of responsibility...pride...love and compassion...and loss. Its so odd to not have him inside of me any longer. It really feels like a part of me is missing. But now I get to see his face.
I FINALLY KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE!!
Months and months of waiting have finally paid off! He's the most handsome man child I could have ever hoped to have. He's absoluetly beautiful. I love him more than anything. And thats the scariest thing of all. To love someone so completely, so thoroughly, without the slightest hint of doubt is terrifying. Today i heard him crying and I sprinted up the steps to find out what ailed my sweet prince. Nothing at all. his fat ass was just hungry. but the second I heard him crying I HAD to be there...because I love him and he needed me. I don't know...mothers understand. But yeah...he's great. Quite the mover...he already can roll onto his side. I don't think he knows he can...but it won't take long I'm sure. His neck is super strong...he can already hold his head up for at least 10 seconds at a time. He has a bit of trouble latching onto my nipple but we're working on it. it's only been just over a week.
Oh yeah! His birthday will always be exactly 3 weeks before mine! Which means people will forget about mine but that's ok. I'm used to being ignored. Now how I'm doing? Fine I guess. Tired. My crotch really hurts...well not really but there's like a dull ache. I got like 4 seperate stiches...and none on my perinium. I ripped inside. And that's all the gory details. I'm about to go take a nap.
Oh yeah. My smexy beast.
You have no idea how that feels...unless you're a mother. In that case, yeah you know what I'm talking about. It is surreal. Quite possibly the most out of this world experience you could ever think to face.
First of all...labor. That shit was rude and intense. I have never experienced such pain in all my life and pray to God I never have to endure it again. Seriously. if I get pregnant again, i'm going to request a C-section. I screamed so loud.....and what's worse is that Eric was born at 3:39 AM. Most of the other women in that ward of the hospital were sleeping and I woke them all up. I cursed loud as hell in front of my mother. That was horrible. I concentrated really hard on not doing that more than once. Eric was a doll baby through the entire process. When they held my legs up and I had to push, he was offering me the sweetest words of encouragement. I really didn't know he had it in him.
When I saw him for the first time....I don't even know if there are words to describe the emotions I was feeling. Well...relief would be first because I had just pushed a 7 pound 10 ounce baby out of my vagina. Besides that? An overwhelming sense of responsibility...pride...love and compassion...and loss. Its so odd to not have him inside of me any longer. It really feels like a part of me is missing. But now I get to see his face.
I FINALLY KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE!!
Months and months of waiting have finally paid off! He's the most handsome man child I could have ever hoped to have. He's absoluetly beautiful. I love him more than anything. And thats the scariest thing of all. To love someone so completely, so thoroughly, without the slightest hint of doubt is terrifying. Today i heard him crying and I sprinted up the steps to find out what ailed my sweet prince. Nothing at all. his fat ass was just hungry. but the second I heard him crying I HAD to be there...because I love him and he needed me. I don't know...mothers understand. But yeah...he's great. Quite the mover...he already can roll onto his side. I don't think he knows he can...but it won't take long I'm sure. His neck is super strong...he can already hold his head up for at least 10 seconds at a time. He has a bit of trouble latching onto my nipple but we're working on it. it's only been just over a week.
Oh yeah! His birthday will always be exactly 3 weeks before mine! Which means people will forget about mine but that's ok. I'm used to being ignored. Now how I'm doing? Fine I guess. Tired. My crotch really hurts...well not really but there's like a dull ache. I got like 4 seperate stiches...and none on my perinium. I ripped inside. And that's all the gory details. I'm about to go take a nap.
Oh yeah. My smexy beast.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
This Shit Sucks
Major balls. It sucks major, major balls.
I'm on bed rest. Modified bed rest.
"Modified bed rest. With modified bed rest, you’re generally prohibited from working, driving, and doing household chores (yay!). Sitting up at your desk to surf the Web is okay (especially this site!), as is standing just long enough to make yourself a turkey sandwich or take a shower. You may even be granted one night a week to go out to a movie, as long as it doesn’t involve a long walk or any stairs. Women on modified bed rest may split their day between the couch and the bed, but going up or down stairs should be kept to a minimum."
It still sucks. Everyone keeps yelling at me to sit down and not do anything. I'm really not used to being so immobile. It hurts in all honesty. I get all stiff and swollen. At least when I'm moving around my blood is flowing and I feel better. Blah. I have to listen because doctor knows best for my child...but I don't have to like it. And I can't lift anything over 5 pounds. I don't know what I come into contact with on a daily basis thats only 5 pounds. I picked my 5 year old niece up for a kiss and got yelled at so thoroughly by my sister and mother I was almost moved to tears. Thats a lot more stressful than actually picking things up in my opinion.
Otherwise...things have been pretty lame. Eric and I got a few more things we needed off of our gift registry at Target. Most importantly...a baby monitor and baby laundry detergent. I've already done 2 super loads of baby clothes. that is ridiculous. He'snot even born yet and his wardrobe is bigger than mine. He's so spoiled. My mom got him this ADORABLE piggy bank. I'm in love with it. I wish I had a camera so I could post a picture of it. I've been splitting my time between my bedroom and Eric's. Who, by the way, finally bought a crib for the baby. He has yet to clean out the rest of his room but God bless his little heart, he's trying. I enjoy taking naps with him. Its hot as balls in his room, but after you shed a few pieces of clothing, it gets pretty comfy in there. A little too comfy maybe. We aren't supposed to be having sex. At all. But Eric is...persistent. And I've never been so constantly horny in all my life. Its really hard to do what the doctor says when the sexiest piece of man meat is laying naked less than a foot away from you. I'll live. I think.
One last thing. My dad tripped out again yesterday. Threw a bowl of milk at my sister and niece because my sister implied that he should be grateful that people do anything at all for gis miserable crippled self. She did NOT say that in those words at all, but thats what it all boild down to. Then he attacked them both with a long metal pipe that for some reason he had hidden away. He's fucking insane. All this was before 8 in the morning and it really upset me and I called Eric crying my eyes out. I went over there after I had my doctors appoitment and stayed all day in fear of returning to the dragon's lair. He's fucking insane. And all I wanted to say to him was "This is why I'm not a Jehovah's Witness anymore you raving hypocrite. You would make me ashamed of my faith."
I'm on bed rest. Modified bed rest.
"Modified bed rest. With modified bed rest, you’re generally prohibited from working, driving, and doing household chores (yay!). Sitting up at your desk to surf the Web is okay (especially this site!), as is standing just long enough to make yourself a turkey sandwich or take a shower. You may even be granted one night a week to go out to a movie, as long as it doesn’t involve a long walk or any stairs. Women on modified bed rest may split their day between the couch and the bed, but going up or down stairs should be kept to a minimum."
It still sucks. Everyone keeps yelling at me to sit down and not do anything. I'm really not used to being so immobile. It hurts in all honesty. I get all stiff and swollen. At least when I'm moving around my blood is flowing and I feel better. Blah. I have to listen because doctor knows best for my child...but I don't have to like it. And I can't lift anything over 5 pounds. I don't know what I come into contact with on a daily basis thats only 5 pounds. I picked my 5 year old niece up for a kiss and got yelled at so thoroughly by my sister and mother I was almost moved to tears. Thats a lot more stressful than actually picking things up in my opinion.
Otherwise...things have been pretty lame. Eric and I got a few more things we needed off of our gift registry at Target. Most importantly...a baby monitor and baby laundry detergent. I've already done 2 super loads of baby clothes. that is ridiculous. He'snot even born yet and his wardrobe is bigger than mine. He's so spoiled. My mom got him this ADORABLE piggy bank. I'm in love with it. I wish I had a camera so I could post a picture of it. I've been splitting my time between my bedroom and Eric's. Who, by the way, finally bought a crib for the baby. He has yet to clean out the rest of his room but God bless his little heart, he's trying. I enjoy taking naps with him. Its hot as balls in his room, but after you shed a few pieces of clothing, it gets pretty comfy in there. A little too comfy maybe. We aren't supposed to be having sex. At all. But Eric is...persistent. And I've never been so constantly horny in all my life. Its really hard to do what the doctor says when the sexiest piece of man meat is laying naked less than a foot away from you. I'll live. I think.
One last thing. My dad tripped out again yesterday. Threw a bowl of milk at my sister and niece because my sister implied that he should be grateful that people do anything at all for gis miserable crippled self. She did NOT say that in those words at all, but thats what it all boild down to. Then he attacked them both with a long metal pipe that for some reason he had hidden away. He's fucking insane. All this was before 8 in the morning and it really upset me and I called Eric crying my eyes out. I went over there after I had my doctors appoitment and stayed all day in fear of returning to the dragon's lair. He's fucking insane. And all I wanted to say to him was "This is why I'm not a Jehovah's Witness anymore you raving hypocrite. You would make me ashamed of my faith."
Saturday, June 13, 2009
What A Day.
Today was baby shower day. I didn't wake up excited....which should have scared me. Oh well.
I had fun! I met Eric's aunts and his cousin Brandon for the first time. I was pleased with the way the decorations came out and the food was absolutely delicious. I really appreciate Eric's grandmother for making all of that food. I know it took forever. The gifts were amazing as well. We got some stuff that we really needed. And of course, more clothes! I'm far from complaining. Everything is adorable.
We played the normal baby shower games. I got offended when we did the piece of string around your belly one. Apparently, I'm as wide around as the half ton teen in a lot of peoples eyes! Oh well. It was all in good fun. The feeding the baby game was funny. We had to pair up and have one person blindfolded and the other person fed them applesauce with a baby spoon. Eric has video of it.
That's my sister. She's skinny.
Me, me in my "hat", and Eric. He had on a shirt that said "I make good babies". I don't know who gave him that shirt....
I had a bit of a hard time being happy though. It was supposed to thunderstorm early in the day. When I went out early to go get my blood drawn and pick up a few last minute items, the sky was so dark it immediately dampened my spirits. Also, about 5 more people told me that they wouldn't be able to make it. I was really upset and I spent a good 20 minutes crying my eyes out. I wouldn't have been so upset if they hadn't waited until the day of to tell me they weren't coming. And hearing that "Oh I'm so sorry!" shit didn't help either. I don't forgive any of them. There's no reason that the day of you should be telling me that shit. Fuck them. And what made me even more upset? The girl who was supposed to be my best friend at one point....she's been telling me for weeks she was gonna be there. Like...she said she wouldn't miss it for the world. Ha. The shower was scheduled from 2-6. She showed up at 5:45 while we were taking everything down. And she had a fucking Starbucks cup in her hands which let me know that she had JUST stopped at Target to pick up my girft. And she had her "little sister" with her, who is also my friend, who for some reason thought that the baby shower was off. I had never told her that. Apparently Whitney, my supposed best friend, left her under that impression.
My whole gripe with her is that she knew it was very important to me. Granted, we've had our problems recently, but this is my first child. I'll never have another first child's baby shower. And she knows that. And it wasn't important enough to her to be there. Sure she showed up. But she missed everything. The food, the games, us opening our gifts, the music....she missed it all. And i cannot forgive her for that. At about 4 I had completely given up hope of her even showing up. So it really was a suprise when I saw her face. And she gave me this look...this...."I'm sorry, but I'm here!" look....and I wanted to kill her. I know that there were problems with getting a ride. But honestly? That should have been taken care of long before the day. And if she couldn't find a fucking ride, catch the fucking bus like Eric's friends did. They wanted to be there and they got there as soon as they could. And you know what's funny? His best friend ended up getting there at the same time. We were both pissed with our "best friends".
My true best friends showed up. Jamie was there early, she helped me set up, she took care of the games, and everyone loved her. Sabrina, dear heart that she is, came if only but for an hour or so. I love these two girls.
And you know what? Besides my family, they were the only friends of mine that showed up.
I'm not inviting anyone to our wedding.
I had fun! I met Eric's aunts and his cousin Brandon for the first time. I was pleased with the way the decorations came out and the food was absolutely delicious. I really appreciate Eric's grandmother for making all of that food. I know it took forever. The gifts were amazing as well. We got some stuff that we really needed. And of course, more clothes! I'm far from complaining. Everything is adorable.
We played the normal baby shower games. I got offended when we did the piece of string around your belly one. Apparently, I'm as wide around as the half ton teen in a lot of peoples eyes! Oh well. It was all in good fun. The feeding the baby game was funny. We had to pair up and have one person blindfolded and the other person fed them applesauce with a baby spoon. Eric has video of it.
That's my sister. She's skinny.
Me, me in my "hat", and Eric. He had on a shirt that said "I make good babies". I don't know who gave him that shirt....
I had a bit of a hard time being happy though. It was supposed to thunderstorm early in the day. When I went out early to go get my blood drawn and pick up a few last minute items, the sky was so dark it immediately dampened my spirits. Also, about 5 more people told me that they wouldn't be able to make it. I was really upset and I spent a good 20 minutes crying my eyes out. I wouldn't have been so upset if they hadn't waited until the day of to tell me they weren't coming. And hearing that "Oh I'm so sorry!" shit didn't help either. I don't forgive any of them. There's no reason that the day of you should be telling me that shit. Fuck them. And what made me even more upset? The girl who was supposed to be my best friend at one point....she's been telling me for weeks she was gonna be there. Like...she said she wouldn't miss it for the world. Ha. The shower was scheduled from 2-6. She showed up at 5:45 while we were taking everything down. And she had a fucking Starbucks cup in her hands which let me know that she had JUST stopped at Target to pick up my girft. And she had her "little sister" with her, who is also my friend, who for some reason thought that the baby shower was off. I had never told her that. Apparently Whitney, my supposed best friend, left her under that impression.
My whole gripe with her is that she knew it was very important to me. Granted, we've had our problems recently, but this is my first child. I'll never have another first child's baby shower. And she knows that. And it wasn't important enough to her to be there. Sure she showed up. But she missed everything. The food, the games, us opening our gifts, the music....she missed it all. And i cannot forgive her for that. At about 4 I had completely given up hope of her even showing up. So it really was a suprise when I saw her face. And she gave me this look...this...."I'm sorry, but I'm here!" look....and I wanted to kill her. I know that there were problems with getting a ride. But honestly? That should have been taken care of long before the day. And if she couldn't find a fucking ride, catch the fucking bus like Eric's friends did. They wanted to be there and they got there as soon as they could. And you know what's funny? His best friend ended up getting there at the same time. We were both pissed with our "best friends".
My true best friends showed up. Jamie was there early, she helped me set up, she took care of the games, and everyone loved her. Sabrina, dear heart that she is, came if only but for an hour or so. I love these two girls.
And you know what? Besides my family, they were the only friends of mine that showed up.
I'm not inviting anyone to our wedding.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
TELL ME I'M DREAMING!!
I'm really, really, really tired right now. like as I type...I can feel my eyelids drooping and i would really like to close them. It is 10:40 PM. Early as fuck. Please keep my fatigue in mind as this blog may contain many punctuation, spelling, and grammar errors.
So Monday night is where this saga begins. I was on the toilet...yeah that's graphic but it's also the honest to God truth.....reading a book and liquid spilled out of me. I knew it wasn't pee because I didn't have to pee anymore. I was only sitting to read that book. And suddenly....it hit me.
My water had broken.
I started freaking out. I checked it...it wasn't piss. And if it's not piss, it shouldn't just be falling out of my PREGNANT vagina. Well....technically my vagina isn't pregnant, but you know what the fuck I meant so...yeah. I screamed for my mom. Like a 3 year old that gets thier toe stuck in a mouse trap. She came running, I explained my situation, and she deduced that there was no way it could have been my water. I was pretty sure though. It wasn't pee and it clearly came out of me. I told Eric(who got one of the most supreme IM curse outs because he didn't answer his phone after I called him THREE times but still managed to sign onto AIM), who found this test i could ake to see if it was my water. I had to lay down for 30 minutes with a pantiliner on to see if anything pooled up, and when I stood if something came gushing out, then I needed to go to the hospital. It didn't happen. So I was freaked out again. What the fuck fell otu of me?!?!
I knew I had a doctors appointment Tuesday morning, so I wasn't very, very worried. Eric and I went to go see him with plan laid out for the whole day. I was pretty sure my water was broken, but I was hoping it wasn't because I knew that they'd make me have the baby. It was the first thing I said to my doctor when he came in. "I think my water broke..." and he immediatly gt the tools necessary to check me.
And it was.
The litmus paper turned blue, and he saw a little ferning on my microscope thingie. I don't really know what that means, but it doesn't matter cuz that's what he saw, and that's what he said. So he said he couldn't send me home with a ruptured placenta, and that I had to go get admitted to the hospital and have my son. Like...immedatly. Eric got light-headed. That part wasn't so bad. I had calmed myself down by convincing myself that it was the day. He was supposed to be born and there was nothing I could do about it. I was pretty reserved about it. Eric literally fell out like twice. He's such a lame.
After we went out and called everyone to tell them I was indeed about to have my labor induced, I went and got checked in at the hospital. Got my room, my nurse, and settled into the whole swing of things. Until they told me that I was 36 weeks pregnant and that when I had my son they'd have to take him away for 24 hours because he was still pre-term. That cracked my facade. More so because I thought I was 37 weeks and that he'd be perfectly happy and safe and healthy. Most of the day went by without mention. they checked my cervix and I was still only 1 cm. So to induce me, they had to put this very slow cting medicine called cervidel inside of me and stick it on my uterus. It was one of the most painful things that has ever happened to my poor, poor pussy. The doctor stuck her ENTIRE HAND inside of me to put it in place. An then I found out that it would take 12 whole hours to work. its point was to soften my entire cervix so that they could begin active labor. They didn't put it in until 4 PM. So they didn't take it out until 3 AM. That shit sucked.
I forgot to mention that we had visitors! That made the day more bearable. Eugene came for a few hours and my best friend Jamie came up for about 45 minutes. She would have stayed longer but we were afraid for her to get caught in that monster ass storm so I made her leave early. Speaking of the storm!! My mom is the coolest- because he was coming on a day with such torrential rains and such powerful lightening and thunder, she decided that his nickname will be Thor. Because my mom is cooler than everyone's mom and she refrences comic book characters. She and my aunt and my grandmother(all on her side) have never called me more times in a day. Not ever i don't think. They were all so excited. I talked to quite a few people on the phone that were all happy for us. Eric's mom stopped by for a little bit. She thought I was actually going to be giving birth or something and was kinda upset I think. Eric slept throgh her visit like a horrible son. That was nice.
So yeah.....They took they the cervidel out at 3 AM and I was only 3 cm dilated. If you aren't aware, you have ti be 10 cm to be able to push. Once again...another strange woman shoved her hands up in my puss to determine this and i could feel her touching his head. He started kicking and moving like a wild boar. He was quite active the entire time actually. My nuirses, Rita and Deirdre, said he was one of the most happy babies they'd ever seen. So yeah...they tell me they're gonna put me on the pitocin at 5 AM. I'm scared cuz thats the stuff that gives you contractions. And boy let me tell you...that shit works. And it works fast. I didn't like that at all. I had contractions. They really hurt. They more in my back because I had been trying to sleep on that uncomforatable poor excuse for a bed that they provided me with. I wasn't comfortable at all last night, which explains my horrible lethargy. Whatever. They checked me again at & AM and I was still at 3 cm. I was getting pissed because the contractions were painful enough to make me want my cervix to hurry up and open so I could just have the mother fucker. Eric left sometime around 9ish to go wash his balls and dress. I freaked out about it but he made it back before 12:30 so I was fine
And thats when it happened. The midwife came in again to check my progression. She shoved her hand up in me as far as she could go. I started squealing and making odd noises(Eric laughed at me) because it hurt SO BAD. It was really, really bad. But the worse thing was her news. She said I was still barely 3 cm. And that she could feel my bag, the one that holds my "water", and that it felt tight and full.
WHAT THE FUCK.
So she leaves to talk to the head OB on duty, because it seems as though my water is NOT broken. At all. And that I have absolurtly no reason to be in labor. I was so upset. The second her and my nurse left the room, I turned to Eric and told him that if I found out that I wasn't supposed to be in this damn hospital after I'd spent all damn night there and the past few hours of my life on a drug that gave me painful contractions dor no fucking reason, I was going to froeak out.I didn't freak out....but they did tell me that I didn't have to have the baby. I was so many things at once. Happy, relieved. pissed off, disappointed...the list goes on. But I really was happy that he wasn't coming because it would have interfered with the baby shower on Saturday. That's pretty much the only plus I could think of. And now he gets a chance to develop more which is quite essential to his health and I'd be a cruel selfish horrible mother if that didn't concern me.
So yeah...I spent a night in hell for no reason. I'm glad that it happened though. They acted quickly and as best they all knew how and I appreciate them for taking care of me and Eric as throughly as they did. The staff at Maryland General is to be commended.
So Monday night is where this saga begins. I was on the toilet...yeah that's graphic but it's also the honest to God truth.....reading a book and liquid spilled out of me. I knew it wasn't pee because I didn't have to pee anymore. I was only sitting to read that book. And suddenly....it hit me.
My water had broken.
I started freaking out. I checked it...it wasn't piss. And if it's not piss, it shouldn't just be falling out of my PREGNANT vagina. Well....technically my vagina isn't pregnant, but you know what the fuck I meant so...yeah. I screamed for my mom. Like a 3 year old that gets thier toe stuck in a mouse trap. She came running, I explained my situation, and she deduced that there was no way it could have been my water. I was pretty sure though. It wasn't pee and it clearly came out of me. I told Eric(who got one of the most supreme IM curse outs because he didn't answer his phone after I called him THREE times but still managed to sign onto AIM), who found this test i could ake to see if it was my water. I had to lay down for 30 minutes with a pantiliner on to see if anything pooled up, and when I stood if something came gushing out, then I needed to go to the hospital. It didn't happen. So I was freaked out again. What the fuck fell otu of me?!?!
I knew I had a doctors appointment Tuesday morning, so I wasn't very, very worried. Eric and I went to go see him with plan laid out for the whole day. I was pretty sure my water was broken, but I was hoping it wasn't because I knew that they'd make me have the baby. It was the first thing I said to my doctor when he came in. "I think my water broke..." and he immediatly gt the tools necessary to check me.
And it was.
The litmus paper turned blue, and he saw a little ferning on my microscope thingie. I don't really know what that means, but it doesn't matter cuz that's what he saw, and that's what he said. So he said he couldn't send me home with a ruptured placenta, and that I had to go get admitted to the hospital and have my son. Like...immedatly. Eric got light-headed. That part wasn't so bad. I had calmed myself down by convincing myself that it was the day. He was supposed to be born and there was nothing I could do about it. I was pretty reserved about it. Eric literally fell out like twice. He's such a lame.
After we went out and called everyone to tell them I was indeed about to have my labor induced, I went and got checked in at the hospital. Got my room, my nurse, and settled into the whole swing of things. Until they told me that I was 36 weeks pregnant and that when I had my son they'd have to take him away for 24 hours because he was still pre-term. That cracked my facade. More so because I thought I was 37 weeks and that he'd be perfectly happy and safe and healthy. Most of the day went by without mention. they checked my cervix and I was still only 1 cm. So to induce me, they had to put this very slow cting medicine called cervidel inside of me and stick it on my uterus. It was one of the most painful things that has ever happened to my poor, poor pussy. The doctor stuck her ENTIRE HAND inside of me to put it in place. An then I found out that it would take 12 whole hours to work. its point was to soften my entire cervix so that they could begin active labor. They didn't put it in until 4 PM. So they didn't take it out until 3 AM. That shit sucked.
I forgot to mention that we had visitors! That made the day more bearable. Eugene came for a few hours and my best friend Jamie came up for about 45 minutes. She would have stayed longer but we were afraid for her to get caught in that monster ass storm so I made her leave early. Speaking of the storm!! My mom is the coolest- because he was coming on a day with such torrential rains and such powerful lightening and thunder, she decided that his nickname will be Thor. Because my mom is cooler than everyone's mom and she refrences comic book characters. She and my aunt and my grandmother(all on her side) have never called me more times in a day. Not ever i don't think. They were all so excited. I talked to quite a few people on the phone that were all happy for us. Eric's mom stopped by for a little bit. She thought I was actually going to be giving birth or something and was kinda upset I think. Eric slept throgh her visit like a horrible son. That was nice.
So yeah.....They took they the cervidel out at 3 AM and I was only 3 cm dilated. If you aren't aware, you have ti be 10 cm to be able to push. Once again...another strange woman shoved her hands up in my puss to determine this and i could feel her touching his head. He started kicking and moving like a wild boar. He was quite active the entire time actually. My nuirses, Rita and Deirdre, said he was one of the most happy babies they'd ever seen. So yeah...they tell me they're gonna put me on the pitocin at 5 AM. I'm scared cuz thats the stuff that gives you contractions. And boy let me tell you...that shit works. And it works fast. I didn't like that at all. I had contractions. They really hurt. They more in my back because I had been trying to sleep on that uncomforatable poor excuse for a bed that they provided me with. I wasn't comfortable at all last night, which explains my horrible lethargy. Whatever. They checked me again at & AM and I was still at 3 cm. I was getting pissed because the contractions were painful enough to make me want my cervix to hurry up and open so I could just have the mother fucker. Eric left sometime around 9ish to go wash his balls and dress. I freaked out about it but he made it back before 12:30 so I was fine
And thats when it happened. The midwife came in again to check my progression. She shoved her hand up in me as far as she could go. I started squealing and making odd noises(Eric laughed at me) because it hurt SO BAD. It was really, really bad. But the worse thing was her news. She said I was still barely 3 cm. And that she could feel my bag, the one that holds my "water", and that it felt tight and full.
WHAT THE FUCK.
So she leaves to talk to the head OB on duty, because it seems as though my water is NOT broken. At all. And that I have absolurtly no reason to be in labor. I was so upset. The second her and my nurse left the room, I turned to Eric and told him that if I found out that I wasn't supposed to be in this damn hospital after I'd spent all damn night there and the past few hours of my life on a drug that gave me painful contractions dor no fucking reason, I was going to froeak out.I didn't freak out....but they did tell me that I didn't have to have the baby. I was so many things at once. Happy, relieved. pissed off, disappointed...the list goes on. But I really was happy that he wasn't coming because it would have interfered with the baby shower on Saturday. That's pretty much the only plus I could think of. And now he gets a chance to develop more which is quite essential to his health and I'd be a cruel selfish horrible mother if that didn't concern me.
So yeah...I spent a night in hell for no reason. I'm glad that it happened though. They acted quickly and as best they all knew how and I appreciate them for taking care of me and Eric as throughly as they did. The staff at Maryland General is to be commended.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
And People Think I'm Insane
I'm freaking out because I'm all alone in the house and the hall light came on by itself. There's no reason it should have done that. I am really afraid. I keep looking behind me....and calling out to seemingly nothing. I'm not crazy....something had to have turned the damn thing on.
I feel better. My dad's home now. He may be a dick...but he's a human dick.
That was wrong...lol.
So my stomach is constantly pointing out in odd angles. I woke up this morning and there was this huge lump on the right side of my belly. It looked like he was about to pop out through my stomach. I know thats impossible, but when you're pregnant you start to question what's actually possible anymore. Lord knows I never thought my stomach...let alone my uterus....could stretch out like this. And it doesn't hurt. i thought it would feel like an alien growing inside of you....but you actually don't feel anything at all. You see it, but you don't actually feel anything growing. It's weird as hell.
I'm absolutely positive that I'll be giving birth within the next two weeks. i will NOT make it to the 6th of July. Eric and I had sex twice today. And I feel bad because the doctor said my cervix was open and I think he's just gonna fall out of me. The first time today was nice and slow...and AMAZING. The second time, Eric was high and the sex went to his head and he pretty much forgot to take it slow. And it felt good so I didn't stop him. I feel like he's gonna hate us for that. Look...he just kicked the shit outta me. I can't believe this time has passed so fucking quickly. It seems like I just found out I was pregnant. I still don't have a crib. I need $30 and I'll be able to get it. I think I'll just break down and ask my mom. I hate having to ask her for stuff. I know she doesn't mind, but still. I'm an independent soul.
Ah well.
I feel better. My dad's home now. He may be a dick...but he's a human dick.
That was wrong...lol.
So my stomach is constantly pointing out in odd angles. I woke up this morning and there was this huge lump on the right side of my belly. It looked like he was about to pop out through my stomach. I know thats impossible, but when you're pregnant you start to question what's actually possible anymore. Lord knows I never thought my stomach...let alone my uterus....could stretch out like this. And it doesn't hurt. i thought it would feel like an alien growing inside of you....but you actually don't feel anything at all. You see it, but you don't actually feel anything growing. It's weird as hell.
I'm absolutely positive that I'll be giving birth within the next two weeks. i will NOT make it to the 6th of July. Eric and I had sex twice today. And I feel bad because the doctor said my cervix was open and I think he's just gonna fall out of me. The first time today was nice and slow...and AMAZING. The second time, Eric was high and the sex went to his head and he pretty much forgot to take it slow. And it felt good so I didn't stop him. I feel like he's gonna hate us for that. Look...he just kicked the shit outta me. I can't believe this time has passed so fucking quickly. It seems like I just found out I was pregnant. I still don't have a crib. I need $30 and I'll be able to get it. I think I'll just break down and ask my mom. I hate having to ask her for stuff. I know she doesn't mind, but still. I'm an independent soul.
Ah well.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Oh Sweet, Sweet Sorrow
I wish I were dead a lot.
I know thats horribly morbid and not something that anyone wants to see, but I honestly feel so drained at the moment. Like life...is just the last thing I need to be worried about right now.
I should explain my feelings. I came home from a pretty damn good day. I actually was looking forward to coming home and being around my family. But my dad was in the kitchen and he had a bone to pick. I should have ran for the toilet, but I decided to indulge him. Apparently, him and one of his Witness friends (my dad is a "devout" Jehovah's Witness) had a debate over why my sister and I ended up fornicators with children even though we were raised in the "truth" and his daughter never indulged in the ever present vices that plague our world. I was shocked at his candor of course. I answered honestly...that it sucked being the ony kid that didn't get to celebrate birthdays or participate in any activities. We weren't allowed to do jack shit as children. Not allowed off the porch type of shit. And he wonders why at the first chance of change we gripped on so tightly and fervently that nothing in this world would be able to release our grasp. Nothing.
We started the normal religious debate that we get into. Blah, blah, bliggety. And then...he says he's embarassed by us. That he can't stand the fact that his daughters are pregnant and that we shame him with every breath we take. I swear to God. I didn't cry. I told him that if he wanted the honest truth, the reason I left the "truth" was because I saw how he was in it. There's no way someone that claims to have found the perfect means of life and righteousness could be so incredibly miserable. I asked him why should I want to be in a religion that leaves me feeling like that? I know he's sick, as he pointed out, but if you believe so hard and you know that God takes care of all....isn't there supposed to be a point where you give your concerns to him? I wanted to keep the conversation to religion and why I wasn't a part of what I grew up in anymore. But he had to tell me that we were the reason that he's so damn miserable. We frustrate him and, of course, shame him and disrespect him, and other random grievances. I wish I could have recorded how he came down n me. He said I was stupid and that it was all my fault that I'm where I'm at in my life right now. Which is true...but the way he said it....he went on to tell me how fucking lucky I am that he's letting me and my bastard child live in his house when he shouldn't put up one penny for his well being. Because he has absolutely no obligation to this child and who am I to raise it anyway; I didn't even have enough sense to marry the nigger that got me pregnant. I'm a horrible burden on him and his house.
And then he told me he didn't love me.
I had to walk away at that point. I had taken as much abuse from him as I possibly could and I couldn't stop the tears before I got to the steps. I had been teling myself not to cry....whatever I did....not to let him see me cry. My father told me he didn't love me. And as I went up the stairs he called out that he should be the one walking away from my fat ass. Classic. Fucking amazing.
Went to the doctors today. He says my cervix is already open. Not dilated...just open. Also, Eric and I went to the golf course and watched the sun set. It was amazingly beautiful. I appreciate him.
I know thats horribly morbid and not something that anyone wants to see, but I honestly feel so drained at the moment. Like life...is just the last thing I need to be worried about right now.
I should explain my feelings. I came home from a pretty damn good day. I actually was looking forward to coming home and being around my family. But my dad was in the kitchen and he had a bone to pick. I should have ran for the toilet, but I decided to indulge him. Apparently, him and one of his Witness friends (my dad is a "devout" Jehovah's Witness) had a debate over why my sister and I ended up fornicators with children even though we were raised in the "truth" and his daughter never indulged in the ever present vices that plague our world. I was shocked at his candor of course. I answered honestly...that it sucked being the ony kid that didn't get to celebrate birthdays or participate in any activities. We weren't allowed to do jack shit as children. Not allowed off the porch type of shit. And he wonders why at the first chance of change we gripped on so tightly and fervently that nothing in this world would be able to release our grasp. Nothing.
We started the normal religious debate that we get into. Blah, blah, bliggety. And then...he says he's embarassed by us. That he can't stand the fact that his daughters are pregnant and that we shame him with every breath we take. I swear to God. I didn't cry. I told him that if he wanted the honest truth, the reason I left the "truth" was because I saw how he was in it. There's no way someone that claims to have found the perfect means of life and righteousness could be so incredibly miserable. I asked him why should I want to be in a religion that leaves me feeling like that? I know he's sick, as he pointed out, but if you believe so hard and you know that God takes care of all....isn't there supposed to be a point where you give your concerns to him? I wanted to keep the conversation to religion and why I wasn't a part of what I grew up in anymore. But he had to tell me that we were the reason that he's so damn miserable. We frustrate him and, of course, shame him and disrespect him, and other random grievances. I wish I could have recorded how he came down n me. He said I was stupid and that it was all my fault that I'm where I'm at in my life right now. Which is true...but the way he said it....he went on to tell me how fucking lucky I am that he's letting me and my bastard child live in his house when he shouldn't put up one penny for his well being. Because he has absolutely no obligation to this child and who am I to raise it anyway; I didn't even have enough sense to marry the nigger that got me pregnant. I'm a horrible burden on him and his house.
And then he told me he didn't love me.
I had to walk away at that point. I had taken as much abuse from him as I possibly could and I couldn't stop the tears before I got to the steps. I had been teling myself not to cry....whatever I did....not to let him see me cry. My father told me he didn't love me. And as I went up the stairs he called out that he should be the one walking away from my fat ass. Classic. Fucking amazing.
Went to the doctors today. He says my cervix is already open. Not dilated...just open. Also, Eric and I went to the golf course and watched the sun set. It was amazingly beautiful. I appreciate him.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
I Love My Boyfriend
He can be a jerk sometimes, but that's okay. I am too.
Had another stress test today. I was much more relaxed this time. And it showed. His heartbeat was fairly stable and again, the nurse said that it looked perfect. It's weird laying on the bed with these two little monitors strapped to your belly. They're just...there. I don't know. I got to listen to it for a whole 30 minutes. His heart beating. It was the most calming and euphoric sensation imaginable. I would absolutely love to be able to hear it all day. I know its beating right now as I type, but I can't hear it let alone feel it.
He's 5 pounds 4 ounces!! I can't even tell. He is big. My mom is afraid that he'll be coming out early. I can't say I'm not either. He's still head down and apparently sitting indian style. I can feel his knee pressing up into my ribcage on the left side of my body all the time. I thought I was imagining it, but the sonogramist reassured me that he was indeed doing it on purpose. Eric is a little upset because he missed the ultrasound. In my defense, I had no idea that I was going to have one or I would have told him. The nurse said she saw that it was on her chart and that I had to get it. I hadn't had one for this hospitals records. More later. I'M EATING STEAK!
Had another stress test today. I was much more relaxed this time. And it showed. His heartbeat was fairly stable and again, the nurse said that it looked perfect. It's weird laying on the bed with these two little monitors strapped to your belly. They're just...there. I don't know. I got to listen to it for a whole 30 minutes. His heart beating. It was the most calming and euphoric sensation imaginable. I would absolutely love to be able to hear it all day. I know its beating right now as I type, but I can't hear it let alone feel it.
He's 5 pounds 4 ounces!! I can't even tell. He is big. My mom is afraid that he'll be coming out early. I can't say I'm not either. He's still head down and apparently sitting indian style. I can feel his knee pressing up into my ribcage on the left side of my body all the time. I thought I was imagining it, but the sonogramist reassured me that he was indeed doing it on purpose. Eric is a little upset because he missed the ultrasound. In my defense, I had no idea that I was going to have one or I would have told him. The nurse said she saw that it was on her chart and that I had to get it. I hadn't had one for this hospitals records. More later. I'M EATING STEAK!
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Bliggety. And All That Shit.
My NST went quite well. The nurse lady said that everything in my pregnancy was going perfectly and I definitely have enough fluids in my placenta. that's probably gross and not something anyone wants to think about. "Hey Jasmine! How's that placenta looking?!"
Yeah....no.
But yeah, he's doing great. And I found out that he's already head down. Like ready to come out and say hi. Which I'm happy about...I just don't want to see him yet. I really have a lot to do before he gets here and I don't want his first impression of me to be that I'm unorganized and that I don't get shit ready. Not that he'll ever remember this time in his life or whatever...YOU KNOW WHAT?!?! I'm entitled to my insecurities dammit.
Today was my last day of work. I think. They never officially told me that this was my last day so I have to email them and find out. I'm not looking forward to that. I don't really want the reply. I now have absolutely no source of income until at least 6 weeks after my son is born. That's damn near September. And a really long time to not have any money. I mean....it was bad enough to only be working 6 hours a week....FUCK. I'm going to get depressed if I keep talking about that.
I want to get my hair done. Maybe some cornrows. I wanted a bunch of micro-minis so that I don't have to worry about my hair until after Eric is born, but those are way too much money. I could always find some little hoodrat bitch to do it...but I want it to last and to look good. My options are very slim. I hate the way I look with cornrows. I used to have to get them for the first 13 years of my life. I grew to hate the damn things. With a passion equal only to that of my hatred for Nicolas Cage. I really, really hate him. I'll tell you what though...i'm getting very tired of my little bush. It is frustrating and much harder to maintain then you'd think. I envy the way they ake it look in the 70's but I feel for those people because upkeep is a bitch. A nostril flaring, red-eyed, AIDS contracting bitch.
This baby shower is going to be fun. I'm already very stressed about it but I know that the stree will be worth it. I will be absolutely devestated if no one comes and I'll go and live in a hole. Eric will be the only person who knows where I am and I'll only leave to go pick up my son from school.
Yeah....no.
But yeah, he's doing great. And I found out that he's already head down. Like ready to come out and say hi. Which I'm happy about...I just don't want to see him yet. I really have a lot to do before he gets here and I don't want his first impression of me to be that I'm unorganized and that I don't get shit ready. Not that he'll ever remember this time in his life or whatever...YOU KNOW WHAT?!?! I'm entitled to my insecurities dammit.
Today was my last day of work. I think. They never officially told me that this was my last day so I have to email them and find out. I'm not looking forward to that. I don't really want the reply. I now have absolutely no source of income until at least 6 weeks after my son is born. That's damn near September. And a really long time to not have any money. I mean....it was bad enough to only be working 6 hours a week....FUCK. I'm going to get depressed if I keep talking about that.
I want to get my hair done. Maybe some cornrows. I wanted a bunch of micro-minis so that I don't have to worry about my hair until after Eric is born, but those are way too much money. I could always find some little hoodrat bitch to do it...but I want it to last and to look good. My options are very slim. I hate the way I look with cornrows. I used to have to get them for the first 13 years of my life. I grew to hate the damn things. With a passion equal only to that of my hatred for Nicolas Cage. I really, really hate him. I'll tell you what though...i'm getting very tired of my little bush. It is frustrating and much harder to maintain then you'd think. I envy the way they ake it look in the 70's but I feel for those people because upkeep is a bitch. A nostril flaring, red-eyed, AIDS contracting bitch.
This baby shower is going to be fun. I'm already very stressed about it but I know that the stree will be worth it. I will be absolutely devestated if no one comes and I'll go and live in a hole. Eric will be the only person who knows where I am and I'll only leave to go pick up my son from school.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
I Feel Like A Virgin
Not like a sex virgin. I just haven't post anything in such a long time.
So....whirlwind last 11 days or so. I've been happy and sad, and various other emotions that I don't really feel like explaining. What's most important right now, is that I'm scheduled for a NST tomorrow morning. And I'm very frightened.
"A NST may be performed if:
They told me that I needed one on Tuesday, and I immediately called Eric to find out exactly what it was. I knew that I had pregnancy induced hypertension, but now they say its chronic. I don't get it. I know that it won't just disappear in a few weeks and that they should continue to monitor me, but when I went on Tuesday it was 120/70 and that made me feel better. That doesn't mean anything. At all.
If they find out that the baby isn't responding well to the test, they're going to schedule me for labor. Like induce me. I do not want to have this baby anytime soon. And I know that me being stressed about it will probably make it that much worse. I'm freaking myself out again. I need to just chill the fuck out.
I went to go see my old high school teacher a couple of days ago. that was nice. I fell in love with high school all over again. Well....not high school in its entirety, but my involvement in Drama Club/Stage Crew. I was President for two years. One year officially, but pretty much two years. I just loved being in her classroom and seeing all the things that used to make me so happy. That room was my escape. The one place I could go for most all of high school and just feel....right. I really haven't felt like that anywhere else in life since. As long as theater is involved, I pretty much feel at home. Anyways...she was telling me about all the horrible changes that the graduating class is making to the school this year. Not to the school itself, but they're demolishing the traditions that have been in place for over 100 years. Western is the only public all girls high school in the entire nation. And it stinks now with these hussies fucking it up. I'd go into detail, but I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who cares. Lol.
Other than that I've been feeling pretty good. Physically as well as emotionally. I got all of our invitations mailed out. I don't remember if I had posted that the baby shower was set for June 13th. It is. I'm stressing about food and favors, but what happens, happens and I'm leaving it up to fate. I'm thinking about making all my female friends wear bikinis and have a car wash. They would like that....my friends are sluts. Yeah....I'll fill more in later. My fingers hurt and my brother is literally bitching like a pmsing whore because he can't get on line and talk to some whores. Swear to God, I'm sitting here typing this blog, and a girl sends him an IM that reads "hay". I asked him why he would talk to a girl that can't even take the time to spell a short greeting correctly. His reply? "Because she has a pussy."
You can't make this shit up folks.
So....whirlwind last 11 days or so. I've been happy and sad, and various other emotions that I don't really feel like explaining. What's most important right now, is that I'm scheduled for a NST tomorrow morning. And I'm very frightened.
"A NST may be performed if:
- You sense that the baby is not moving as frequently as usual
- You are overdue
- There is any reason to suspect that the placenta is not functioning adequately
- You are high risk for any other reason
They told me that I needed one on Tuesday, and I immediately called Eric to find out exactly what it was. I knew that I had pregnancy induced hypertension, but now they say its chronic. I don't get it. I know that it won't just disappear in a few weeks and that they should continue to monitor me, but when I went on Tuesday it was 120/70 and that made me feel better. That doesn't mean anything. At all.
If they find out that the baby isn't responding well to the test, they're going to schedule me for labor. Like induce me. I do not want to have this baby anytime soon. And I know that me being stressed about it will probably make it that much worse. I'm freaking myself out again. I need to just chill the fuck out.
I went to go see my old high school teacher a couple of days ago. that was nice. I fell in love with high school all over again. Well....not high school in its entirety, but my involvement in Drama Club/Stage Crew. I was President for two years. One year officially, but pretty much two years. I just loved being in her classroom and seeing all the things that used to make me so happy. That room was my escape. The one place I could go for most all of high school and just feel....right. I really haven't felt like that anywhere else in life since. As long as theater is involved, I pretty much feel at home. Anyways...she was telling me about all the horrible changes that the graduating class is making to the school this year. Not to the school itself, but they're demolishing the traditions that have been in place for over 100 years. Western is the only public all girls high school in the entire nation. And it stinks now with these hussies fucking it up. I'd go into detail, but I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who cares. Lol.
Other than that I've been feeling pretty good. Physically as well as emotionally. I got all of our invitations mailed out. I don't remember if I had posted that the baby shower was set for June 13th. It is. I'm stressing about food and favors, but what happens, happens and I'm leaving it up to fate. I'm thinking about making all my female friends wear bikinis and have a car wash. They would like that....my friends are sluts. Yeah....I'll fill more in later. My fingers hurt and my brother is literally bitching like a pmsing whore because he can't get on line and talk to some whores. Swear to God, I'm sitting here typing this blog, and a girl sends him an IM that reads "hay". I asked him why he would talk to a girl that can't even take the time to spell a short greeting correctly. His reply? "Because she has a pussy."
You can't make this shit up folks.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Feeling Myself
And not in a perverse way.
I don't know....today has been a pretty nice day. I started my pregnant yoga. That was nice. Of course my brother and sister laughed at me for actually doing it. I think it'll help if I keep it up. I'm determined to do it every day unless I'm in some sort of dire pain. I pretty much chilled out all day. Which was depressing because it was such a nice day out. We won't see another one of those for a couple of weeks I think. I got some laundry done....which was incredibly necessary. And I have more to do, but its really hard to lug my suitcase up and down the steps. Yes I put my clothes in a suitcase to wash them. No one will let me carry a basket. Ah well.
Might as well get to whats bothering me. Eric, my best friend Jamie, my brother and sister, and various other people I'm associated with are at this party. And that's not the whole problem. I wouldn't go to this party even if I weren't pregnant. I just feel...left out. I know that my "condition" prevents me from going out to parties and the like...but still. Everyone's gone. And I'm a little pissed because I really hate the people that are hosting the party and everyone I know and like, still associate with these heathens. i can't make them hate them, and I don't want to. It just strikes me as odd....I don't know. I really hate them. i always will. I don't know why I hold grudges so hard. Its a protective reflex I guess. When we were younger, I decided I hated this guy Junior, and I didn't talk to him for almost 2 years. That was bad because I was at his house every single weekend. Our dad's were in a band together. People either change when they know someone hates them or they become more of a dick. After I finally started talking to him again, Junior was never a dick to me again. Lessons.
I got my glasses yesterday. Sight is amazing. I could never imagine being able to see like this all the time. The doctor told me that my vision isn't even that bad, but I appreciate them damn things either way. I can see everything so clearly!! People must really take this shit for granted.
I don't know....today has been a pretty nice day. I started my pregnant yoga. That was nice. Of course my brother and sister laughed at me for actually doing it. I think it'll help if I keep it up. I'm determined to do it every day unless I'm in some sort of dire pain. I pretty much chilled out all day. Which was depressing because it was such a nice day out. We won't see another one of those for a couple of weeks I think. I got some laundry done....which was incredibly necessary. And I have more to do, but its really hard to lug my suitcase up and down the steps. Yes I put my clothes in a suitcase to wash them. No one will let me carry a basket. Ah well.
Might as well get to whats bothering me. Eric, my best friend Jamie, my brother and sister, and various other people I'm associated with are at this party. And that's not the whole problem. I wouldn't go to this party even if I weren't pregnant. I just feel...left out. I know that my "condition" prevents me from going out to parties and the like...but still. Everyone's gone. And I'm a little pissed because I really hate the people that are hosting the party and everyone I know and like, still associate with these heathens. i can't make them hate them, and I don't want to. It just strikes me as odd....I don't know. I really hate them. i always will. I don't know why I hold grudges so hard. Its a protective reflex I guess. When we were younger, I decided I hated this guy Junior, and I didn't talk to him for almost 2 years. That was bad because I was at his house every single weekend. Our dad's were in a band together. People either change when they know someone hates them or they become more of a dick. After I finally started talking to him again, Junior was never a dick to me again. Lessons.
I got my glasses yesterday. Sight is amazing. I could never imagine being able to see like this all the time. The doctor told me that my vision isn't even that bad, but I appreciate them damn things either way. I can see everything so clearly!! People must really take this shit for granted.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Godzilla
My child is currently 4 whole pounds. He is so fat. Eric and I looked it up on babycenter.com today, and it said that the average weight of a baby at 31 weeks is 3.3 pounds. Oh lord. I'm literally going to be pushing a monster out. That was NOT encouraging.
I found that out yesterday at my ultrasound. Which was the best one to date. I got to see him yawn!! That probably sounds really lame but you wouldn't understand if you've never been pregnant or got a girl knocked up. I was laying there trying to tell exactly which part of his face was which and then BAM!...it was all clear to me. I could see his eyes and his nose and his cute lips... He's got the biggest baby lips ever. The nurse said they were the biggest she'd seen on his baby. He was asleep but the pressure she was applying on my belly woke him up. That's when he yawned. And, of course, I cried. I really couldn't help it. It was the most spectacular thing I'd ever seen. Then he moved his arm up over his face....that was amazing because I could feel it as I saw it. I wonder how women got along with thier pregnancies before the modern marvels of medicine came about. I feel so....enlightened? Overjoyed? Incredibly enthusiastically wonderously happy? I saw my child. I saw his face.
I saw his face.
We went to Target to create a baby registry today. That was fun. We went up all of the baby aisles and just kept scanning everything. We left out with 143 items on our list and got back to my house and added 2 more. Of course we don't expect to get everything on the list. Its more like a guide....something to help you know what to purchase. It sure would be nice to get that stuff though. It'd take a lot of worry off my mind. I still don't have a crib. The one I want...at the price I want...isn't available for purchase online and isn't at any IKEA store near me. I'd have to fucking travel down to Virginia just to get it. Which at this point is looking like a good option.
I had a doctors appointment on Tuesday. And it wasn't with my normal doctor. This guy....he was not a refreshing change at all. He was scary and I think a bit rude but not because he's a rude guy. He actually struck me as a wonderful nice old grandpa kind of dude, but he had a visiting doctor with him. Some Arab dude from some Arab hospital group checking the hospital out. And I'm not being rude or ignorant...I think. He was of Arabian descent!! At any rate my replacement doctor was trying real hard to impress this dude which wasn't a good idea because I wasn't comfortable with two men I'd never seen before poking and prodding at my stomach. Like....choose your battles asshole. At any rate, he told me to wait at least 3 years before I have another baby and I asked him why. And he told me....that I should wait...because women who don't wait at least that long die earlier. The fucking die. That was the worst thing he could have told me sitting up on that damn table. I know my eyes damn near bugged out of my head. A bad visit to be sure. Otherwise, they're still concerned about my blood pressure. I am too....I want to cut salt out of my diet but it's really hard. I never even realized how much salt I actually use because I've refused to add it to my foods since my dad's kidneys failed like 7-8 years ago. But I still use it when I cook. And a lot of the foods I eat are salty by themselves.(I think I just used bad grammar.) We'll see.
I don't think I'm funny. Like I know I can crack a joke every now and then, but I'm not really a funny person. Random.....but very, very true. Also...my sex life is amazing. I just thought I'd put that out there. Not to be funny. Eric and I are literally on the phone right now talking about our awesome sex and I just thought the world should know it. I HAVE AWESOME PREGNANT SEX!
That is all.
I found that out yesterday at my ultrasound. Which was the best one to date. I got to see him yawn!! That probably sounds really lame but you wouldn't understand if you've never been pregnant or got a girl knocked up. I was laying there trying to tell exactly which part of his face was which and then BAM!...it was all clear to me. I could see his eyes and his nose and his cute lips... He's got the biggest baby lips ever. The nurse said they were the biggest she'd seen on his baby. He was asleep but the pressure she was applying on my belly woke him up. That's when he yawned. And, of course, I cried. I really couldn't help it. It was the most spectacular thing I'd ever seen. Then he moved his arm up over his face....that was amazing because I could feel it as I saw it. I wonder how women got along with thier pregnancies before the modern marvels of medicine came about. I feel so....enlightened? Overjoyed? Incredibly enthusiastically wonderously happy? I saw my child. I saw his face.
I saw his face.
We went to Target to create a baby registry today. That was fun. We went up all of the baby aisles and just kept scanning everything. We left out with 143 items on our list and got back to my house and added 2 more. Of course we don't expect to get everything on the list. Its more like a guide....something to help you know what to purchase. It sure would be nice to get that stuff though. It'd take a lot of worry off my mind. I still don't have a crib. The one I want...at the price I want...isn't available for purchase online and isn't at any IKEA store near me. I'd have to fucking travel down to Virginia just to get it. Which at this point is looking like a good option.
I had a doctors appointment on Tuesday. And it wasn't with my normal doctor. This guy....he was not a refreshing change at all. He was scary and I think a bit rude but not because he's a rude guy. He actually struck me as a wonderful nice old grandpa kind of dude, but he had a visiting doctor with him. Some Arab dude from some Arab hospital group checking the hospital out. And I'm not being rude or ignorant...I think. He was of Arabian descent!! At any rate my replacement doctor was trying real hard to impress this dude which wasn't a good idea because I wasn't comfortable with two men I'd never seen before poking and prodding at my stomach. Like....choose your battles asshole. At any rate, he told me to wait at least 3 years before I have another baby and I asked him why. And he told me....that I should wait...because women who don't wait at least that long die earlier. The fucking die. That was the worst thing he could have told me sitting up on that damn table. I know my eyes damn near bugged out of my head. A bad visit to be sure. Otherwise, they're still concerned about my blood pressure. I am too....I want to cut salt out of my diet but it's really hard. I never even realized how much salt I actually use because I've refused to add it to my foods since my dad's kidneys failed like 7-8 years ago. But I still use it when I cook. And a lot of the foods I eat are salty by themselves.(I think I just used bad grammar.) We'll see.
I don't think I'm funny. Like I know I can crack a joke every now and then, but I'm not really a funny person. Random.....but very, very true. Also...my sex life is amazing. I just thought I'd put that out there. Not to be funny. Eric and I are literally on the phone right now talking about our awesome sex and I just thought the world should know it. I HAVE AWESOME PREGNANT SEX!
That is all.
Monday, May 4, 2009
And Just Like That....
...it's taken away from you. Being pregnant is probably the hardest and most tempestuous periods in a persons life. I am tired of my mood spiraling out of control CONSTANTLY.
So I'm a snitch. I'm ok with that....I think. Last week, while my parents were out of town, my little brother decided it would be ok to steal our older sisters car while she was at work. She was driving my mom's car while they were gone and left hers out front. I had no idea he was taking it every day. I would literally be sitting in the house every single day and not notice he was taking it. Eric told me he had, but I never saw it so technically, I couldn't prove anything. The next to last day of freedom, I was sitting out on the porch with my neice and watched my brother pull up in my sisters car. I hadn't even noticed it was gone off the block. I wouldn't be so upset with him if he had at least jokingly told our sister he was going to take her car. Or if he wasn't driving with an expired permitt. In a busted up 15 year old vehicle. Its like he didn't even consider the possibility of being pulled over and if he did he didn't care about what could happen to him. So I told my sister he was driving her car. And he was pissed with me. Especially since she took her key back from him. I wasn't suprised he was upset with me. i ruined his plans and his swag or whatever and I understand his frustration. What upset me was when I found out he lied to our sister and told her that i knew he had been driving it all along and that i was giving him money for gas and that the only reason I ratted him out was because he invited a person that I don't like over to the house. None of which was true. I may have fucked up his shit...but I never lied on him.
So today, he's at it again. My dad let him borrow his car to go to an orientation. At about maybe 10 this morning. He didn't come back until after 4 and hadn't called my father to let him know what was going on or why his fucking car was gone for so long. Orientations do not take that long and if they do it would be nothing but courteous to let my father know he was going to be out much longer. He says his phone died and I believe him but that doesn't mean he couldn't have found a way to let him know. This is someone's car. Thier means of transportation. You should definitely let them know what the fuck is going on with it. At any rate...my dad came downstirs all pissy because he didn't know where Jordan and his car was. I asked him why he let him take it anyway with an expired permitt. He didn't know. He had no idea that my brother's permitt was expired. Why the fuck....would you let anyone take your car without knowing for a fact their standings as far as being legally allowed to drive? They're both nitwits as far as I'm concerned.
My brother is pissed with me again. Because I let my father know he was driving illegaly. It'd be wrong of me to not let him know wouldn't it? Morally, I can't let that shit slide. If something were to happen to Jordan or to the car, my father would be at fault for allowing him to drive. Bottom line. And a person has the right to know that they're putting themselves in that situation with that responsibility. Jordan fails to realize this. I'm not trying to ruin his life I'm trying to save it. I care so much about his well-being that I don't care if he gets angry with me for trying to protect him. I don't want anyone letting his dumbass drive until he's legally able. And he can't even do it that well in my opinoin. Thats not saying much because I can't drive at all, but its still my opinion. At any rate...he booted me off the computer and he got a pissy attitude with me and I'm sad. I know its dumb...I just would like it if he understood why i snitched on him.
I think that my brother and sister are trying very hard to make me feel bad about the person that I am by constantly excluding me from thier lives. I know that they love me but I don't think they like me and that makes me so fucking sad. They think I "think funny". That I work things out weird in my brain. And that hurts because I'm just different from them, not weird. They like to insult me because they know I'll cry and I always have. You'd think that at 23 and 19 years old they'd stop harassing me but no....its worse. They just went to a Dane Cook show a few days ago. They never even asked me if I wanted to go. They go out all the time and don't think to include me. I know that I'm a read a book type of person but it'd make me feel a lot better if they at least considered asking me if I wanted to go. I don't know. I just don't fucking know. I can't even type anymore cuz I'm crying.
So I'm a snitch. I'm ok with that....I think. Last week, while my parents were out of town, my little brother decided it would be ok to steal our older sisters car while she was at work. She was driving my mom's car while they were gone and left hers out front. I had no idea he was taking it every day. I would literally be sitting in the house every single day and not notice he was taking it. Eric told me he had, but I never saw it so technically, I couldn't prove anything. The next to last day of freedom, I was sitting out on the porch with my neice and watched my brother pull up in my sisters car. I hadn't even noticed it was gone off the block. I wouldn't be so upset with him if he had at least jokingly told our sister he was going to take her car. Or if he wasn't driving with an expired permitt. In a busted up 15 year old vehicle. Its like he didn't even consider the possibility of being pulled over and if he did he didn't care about what could happen to him. So I told my sister he was driving her car. And he was pissed with me. Especially since she took her key back from him. I wasn't suprised he was upset with me. i ruined his plans and his swag or whatever and I understand his frustration. What upset me was when I found out he lied to our sister and told her that i knew he had been driving it all along and that i was giving him money for gas and that the only reason I ratted him out was because he invited a person that I don't like over to the house. None of which was true. I may have fucked up his shit...but I never lied on him.
So today, he's at it again. My dad let him borrow his car to go to an orientation. At about maybe 10 this morning. He didn't come back until after 4 and hadn't called my father to let him know what was going on or why his fucking car was gone for so long. Orientations do not take that long and if they do it would be nothing but courteous to let my father know he was going to be out much longer. He says his phone died and I believe him but that doesn't mean he couldn't have found a way to let him know. This is someone's car. Thier means of transportation. You should definitely let them know what the fuck is going on with it. At any rate...my dad came downstirs all pissy because he didn't know where Jordan and his car was. I asked him why he let him take it anyway with an expired permitt. He didn't know. He had no idea that my brother's permitt was expired. Why the fuck....would you let anyone take your car without knowing for a fact their standings as far as being legally allowed to drive? They're both nitwits as far as I'm concerned.
My brother is pissed with me again. Because I let my father know he was driving illegaly. It'd be wrong of me to not let him know wouldn't it? Morally, I can't let that shit slide. If something were to happen to Jordan or to the car, my father would be at fault for allowing him to drive. Bottom line. And a person has the right to know that they're putting themselves in that situation with that responsibility. Jordan fails to realize this. I'm not trying to ruin his life I'm trying to save it. I care so much about his well-being that I don't care if he gets angry with me for trying to protect him. I don't want anyone letting his dumbass drive until he's legally able. And he can't even do it that well in my opinoin. Thats not saying much because I can't drive at all, but its still my opinion. At any rate...he booted me off the computer and he got a pissy attitude with me and I'm sad. I know its dumb...I just would like it if he understood why i snitched on him.
I think that my brother and sister are trying very hard to make me feel bad about the person that I am by constantly excluding me from thier lives. I know that they love me but I don't think they like me and that makes me so fucking sad. They think I "think funny". That I work things out weird in my brain. And that hurts because I'm just different from them, not weird. They like to insult me because they know I'll cry and I always have. You'd think that at 23 and 19 years old they'd stop harassing me but no....its worse. They just went to a Dane Cook show a few days ago. They never even asked me if I wanted to go. They go out all the time and don't think to include me. I know that I'm a read a book type of person but it'd make me feel a lot better if they at least considered asking me if I wanted to go. I don't know. I just don't fucking know. I can't even type anymore cuz I'm crying.
Who Says Happiness Is Overrated?!
Not I. Never I. I'm so fucking happy, its hard to believe I'm pregnant. I know that probably doesn't make any sense and is probably dissing my child, but I know what I mean. Oh well.
So these past 3-4 days have been extraordinarily awesome for me. I've seen Eric every single one of these days and I really think that's why they ended up being so great. And because he finally put up his full sized bed!! Now we can both fit on the bed!! Even when I wasn't pregnant that was hard to do. It was intimate of course, but uncomfortable. At any rate...I'm stalling. These past few days have been so good because I got new maternity clothes, my neighbor gave me a bag full of baby clothes AND a bassinett, and I got to spend a night with Eric. Maybe that doesn't sound like simply wonderful weekend to anyone, but it was to me.
I love spending time with Eric. I feel guilty because I'm sure I didn't feel this strongly about being with him all the time before I found out I was pregnant. I'm all clingy now. But at least I've come to see how much he's there for me. I've never had anyone...not even my best friends, be THERE for me like Eric is. Noone else. And I can tell the difference I guess. I just feel loved. And fucked. Oh Lord we've had so much sex these past few days. My pussy is tired as hell. That was vulgar but this is my blog and I can say what I want. And thats funny to think of someone's reaction when they read that. STOP THINKING ABOUT MY PUSSY YOU PERVERT!!
Eric's mom gave me some money for maternity clothes. I got 3 dresses. I wanted to get some shorts or capri's or something but we have limited maternity wear here in Baltimore. At least things that I'll wear. I'm not exactly willing to sacrafice my style for this baby. I love him and all, but no. No I'm not wearing plaid bermuda shorts or loud frilly sleevless tops. The clothes that they offer pregnant women in most places are despicable. Its like, "Oh you're pregnant so we're going to assume you no longer care about what you put on when you go outside!" Ha.
Thats one of my dresses. The other two aren't online. Oh well. I'm big on accesories making your outfit so I got a plain black dress, and a plain brown dress. The last one is blue and white and has flowers and shit on it. I'll probably wear that one to my baby shower.
The bassinett is absolutely adorable!!
Of course we have the blue gingham. I'm so damn tired of the color blue though. I hate that that's whats associated with little boys. I think hs favorite color will be orange or something. Who knows? Not I.
A few things that pissed me off happened this weekend as well, but they pale next to my happiness. I am about to have a son in 9 weeks. He could come today or tomorrow if he wants. I hope not. I'm starting to plan my hospital bag and my first diaper bag. Eric and I are finally going to go make our registry at Target on Thursday where I also plan on maybe buying some baby shower invitations. I'm getting ultra super excited about life as a new mommy. Thank God.
So these past 3-4 days have been extraordinarily awesome for me. I've seen Eric every single one of these days and I really think that's why they ended up being so great. And because he finally put up his full sized bed!! Now we can both fit on the bed!! Even when I wasn't pregnant that was hard to do. It was intimate of course, but uncomfortable. At any rate...I'm stalling. These past few days have been so good because I got new maternity clothes, my neighbor gave me a bag full of baby clothes AND a bassinett, and I got to spend a night with Eric. Maybe that doesn't sound like simply wonderful weekend to anyone, but it was to me.
I love spending time with Eric. I feel guilty because I'm sure I didn't feel this strongly about being with him all the time before I found out I was pregnant. I'm all clingy now. But at least I've come to see how much he's there for me. I've never had anyone...not even my best friends, be THERE for me like Eric is. Noone else. And I can tell the difference I guess. I just feel loved. And fucked. Oh Lord we've had so much sex these past few days. My pussy is tired as hell. That was vulgar but this is my blog and I can say what I want. And thats funny to think of someone's reaction when they read that. STOP THINKING ABOUT MY PUSSY YOU PERVERT!!
Eric's mom gave me some money for maternity clothes. I got 3 dresses. I wanted to get some shorts or capri's or something but we have limited maternity wear here in Baltimore. At least things that I'll wear. I'm not exactly willing to sacrafice my style for this baby. I love him and all, but no. No I'm not wearing plaid bermuda shorts or loud frilly sleevless tops. The clothes that they offer pregnant women in most places are despicable. Its like, "Oh you're pregnant so we're going to assume you no longer care about what you put on when you go outside!" Ha.
Thats one of my dresses. The other two aren't online. Oh well. I'm big on accesories making your outfit so I got a plain black dress, and a plain brown dress. The last one is blue and white and has flowers and shit on it. I'll probably wear that one to my baby shower.
The bassinett is absolutely adorable!!
Of course we have the blue gingham. I'm so damn tired of the color blue though. I hate that that's whats associated with little boys. I think hs favorite color will be orange or something. Who knows? Not I.
A few things that pissed me off happened this weekend as well, but they pale next to my happiness. I am about to have a son in 9 weeks. He could come today or tomorrow if he wants. I hope not. I'm starting to plan my hospital bag and my first diaper bag. Eric and I are finally going to go make our registry at Target on Thursday where I also plan on maybe buying some baby shower invitations. I'm getting ultra super excited about life as a new mommy. Thank God.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Of Mice and Men
This is proving to be the most infuriating call for patience that I've ever been forced to endure. Pregnancy is not at all what I thought it was going to be. At all, at all, at all.
These past few days I've been feeling a little sick. Like nauseous sick. I'm convinced that its the heat thats making me feel like this but that doesn't make me like any more. I know I wanted it to be hot and blah blah blah, but I hate feeling like I'm going to throw up constantly. It has also come to my attention that carryig my son has become more painful. Its like he is finding all the most horrible places in my belly to rest. I try not to move or wake him unless its absolutely unbearable. Which is hard to do because no matter what its uncomfortable as fuck and I'm a stickler for comfort.
I've gained a total of 60 pounds since I've been pregnant. I am so discouraged. I know that weight gain comes with it and all that shit but I worked SO HARD last year to lose all that damn weight and its back. So I have to do it all over again. I tell you what...this baby better be damn attractive. Not in an incest type of way, but for alll this trouble he better be a cute baby. And be a millionaire when gets older. I'm charging him with this duty now. Eric is being a trooper about my incessant complaining due to weight. I really can't help it. I look in the mirror and its just not what i want to see. Who can be happy when faced with that?!? NO ONE. I'm glad he's putting up with me though. I can be quite the bitch.
Also my mother made me slightly upset this morning. I have horrible eyesight. This is known. I'm perfectly fine with it. I really really really hate glasses. Any pair I've ever had made me look horrible. Its hard to find a frame that looks good on a perfectly round face. Well rectangle ones but thats not my sole point. She's(my mother) paying for me and my brother to get an exam and new glasses. I'm grateful. I really truly am. But I don't want them. At all. I hate glasses. Put that on top of the fact that i already feel fat and ugly and useless and glasses do not add anything great to the equation. But I have to get them. I'm gonna cry again when I get there and see the hideous frames I have to choose from. OMG I HATE BEING POOR.
These past few days I've been feeling a little sick. Like nauseous sick. I'm convinced that its the heat thats making me feel like this but that doesn't make me like any more. I know I wanted it to be hot and blah blah blah, but I hate feeling like I'm going to throw up constantly. It has also come to my attention that carryig my son has become more painful. Its like he is finding all the most horrible places in my belly to rest. I try not to move or wake him unless its absolutely unbearable. Which is hard to do because no matter what its uncomfortable as fuck and I'm a stickler for comfort.
I've gained a total of 60 pounds since I've been pregnant. I am so discouraged. I know that weight gain comes with it and all that shit but I worked SO HARD last year to lose all that damn weight and its back. So I have to do it all over again. I tell you what...this baby better be damn attractive. Not in an incest type of way, but for alll this trouble he better be a cute baby. And be a millionaire when gets older. I'm charging him with this duty now. Eric is being a trooper about my incessant complaining due to weight. I really can't help it. I look in the mirror and its just not what i want to see. Who can be happy when faced with that?!? NO ONE. I'm glad he's putting up with me though. I can be quite the bitch.
Also my mother made me slightly upset this morning. I have horrible eyesight. This is known. I'm perfectly fine with it. I really really really hate glasses. Any pair I've ever had made me look horrible. Its hard to find a frame that looks good on a perfectly round face. Well rectangle ones but thats not my sole point. She's(my mother) paying for me and my brother to get an exam and new glasses. I'm grateful. I really truly am. But I don't want them. At all. I hate glasses. Put that on top of the fact that i already feel fat and ugly and useless and glasses do not add anything great to the equation. But I have to get them. I'm gonna cry again when I get there and see the hideous frames I have to choose from. OMG I HATE BEING POOR.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Call Me Mrs. Lonely
I'm so freaking bored.
I hate...more than anything in this world....being alone. Its also one of my greatest fears. Everyone just leaving me never to return again. That shit is scary. I can hardly believe its not even 11 in the morning yet and I'm by myself. And Eric doesn't wanna come see me. Eh. At least I get time to do more laundry and shit right?
I had a really big scare yesterday. One of the light bulbs in our bathroom has been out for most of this past week. It started really bothering me. Not that we needed it to be replaced immediately, but I'm used to it and it not being there made me sketchy. As many things do. But I digress. I decided to go on and replace it myself. And I got electrocuted. Well more of a shock really. I felt it go through my left arm, across my shoulders, and down my back. Then I felt kinda weak and stumbled into my brothers room and got him to finish changing it. I don't know how I got shocked. I've changed enough light bulbs in my life you know...? I wasn't even freaked out until I remembered that I'm pregnant. And I had to call Eric and he was upset with me. And lectured me about me doing things that i shouldn't while I'm carrying his child. hich I totally agree with but it's A FUCKING LIGHT BULB. I was scared. More scared than I was the day I went to the emergency room. My brother was on the internet so I couldn't look up what the effects of getting a shock while pregnant were. I had Eric do it. And it's bad. Basically, in most cases when the mother experiences a shock throughout her body, the baby dies within a few day. 71%. That's a big fucking percent. So then I really started freaking out and called the hospital to see what I should do and spoke to a midwife. She assured me that because I didn't experience a full body shock I should be just fine. She told me to drink some juice and lay down and count his movements. If he didn't move 10 times within 2 hours, she told me I needed to get to a hospital immediately.
That was the worst waiting period of my life. I was so scared....I could barely relax myself enough to feel him moving. Fortunately he moved 10 times within 10 minutes. I know Eric is really disappointed in me. I really learned a lesson. I've been trying so hard to not feel invalid, I haven't been putting my son's well-being first. I've been selfish and horribly unfair to him. I feel so bad....and I know it was a mistake and an accident and the chances of it happening were so slim that i shouldn't beat myself up over it. But you can't reall judge me until you fuck up like that. Its the worst thing I've ever done hands down. And I'm sorry. It doesn't help that I was just having an overactive day yesterday. I lugged a big huge suitcase filled with laundry up and down the steps . Stayed out running around with my niece. Cleaned up the yard. Which really, really needed to be done so I'm not too sorry about that. There was so much random trash laying around and it severly depressed me. Then I was up cooking and cleaning in the house....oh man I feel horrible about it.
Lesson learned. I'm definitely going to chill the fuck out. It doesn't help that I don't really look pregnant. Half the time I don't really feel it either. I haven't said anything about it but I've decided to stay natural!! Today i'm gonna look around for some tips on how to style this shit cuz this mini-bush is just not kicking it anymore. I am not feeling it. I already bought completely natural hair products. Like no chemicals in my shampoo or conditioner. I'm proud of myself. i've been following a routine for about 2 weeks now and I can already feel the difference. My hair has definitely gotten longer and a bit thicker. The biggest difference is that now its not like sandpaper. its soft. Its fucking soft. That is so brand new to me....and refreshing!!
I hate...more than anything in this world....being alone. Its also one of my greatest fears. Everyone just leaving me never to return again. That shit is scary. I can hardly believe its not even 11 in the morning yet and I'm by myself. And Eric doesn't wanna come see me. Eh. At least I get time to do more laundry and shit right?
I had a really big scare yesterday. One of the light bulbs in our bathroom has been out for most of this past week. It started really bothering me. Not that we needed it to be replaced immediately, but I'm used to it and it not being there made me sketchy. As many things do. But I digress. I decided to go on and replace it myself. And I got electrocuted. Well more of a shock really. I felt it go through my left arm, across my shoulders, and down my back. Then I felt kinda weak and stumbled into my brothers room and got him to finish changing it. I don't know how I got shocked. I've changed enough light bulbs in my life you know...? I wasn't even freaked out until I remembered that I'm pregnant. And I had to call Eric and he was upset with me. And lectured me about me doing things that i shouldn't while I'm carrying his child. hich I totally agree with but it's A FUCKING LIGHT BULB. I was scared. More scared than I was the day I went to the emergency room. My brother was on the internet so I couldn't look up what the effects of getting a shock while pregnant were. I had Eric do it. And it's bad. Basically, in most cases when the mother experiences a shock throughout her body, the baby dies within a few day. 71%. That's a big fucking percent. So then I really started freaking out and called the hospital to see what I should do and spoke to a midwife. She assured me that because I didn't experience a full body shock I should be just fine. She told me to drink some juice and lay down and count his movements. If he didn't move 10 times within 2 hours, she told me I needed to get to a hospital immediately.
That was the worst waiting period of my life. I was so scared....I could barely relax myself enough to feel him moving. Fortunately he moved 10 times within 10 minutes. I know Eric is really disappointed in me. I really learned a lesson. I've been trying so hard to not feel invalid, I haven't been putting my son's well-being first. I've been selfish and horribly unfair to him. I feel so bad....and I know it was a mistake and an accident and the chances of it happening were so slim that i shouldn't beat myself up over it. But you can't reall judge me until you fuck up like that. Its the worst thing I've ever done hands down. And I'm sorry. It doesn't help that I was just having an overactive day yesterday. I lugged a big huge suitcase filled with laundry up and down the steps . Stayed out running around with my niece. Cleaned up the yard. Which really, really needed to be done so I'm not too sorry about that. There was so much random trash laying around and it severly depressed me. Then I was up cooking and cleaning in the house....oh man I feel horrible about it.
Lesson learned. I'm definitely going to chill the fuck out. It doesn't help that I don't really look pregnant. Half the time I don't really feel it either. I haven't said anything about it but I've decided to stay natural!! Today i'm gonna look around for some tips on how to style this shit cuz this mini-bush is just not kicking it anymore. I am not feeling it. I already bought completely natural hair products. Like no chemicals in my shampoo or conditioner. I'm proud of myself. i've been following a routine for about 2 weeks now and I can already feel the difference. My hair has definitely gotten longer and a bit thicker. The biggest difference is that now its not like sandpaper. its soft. Its fucking soft. That is so brand new to me....and refreshing!!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Oh Ma Jesus
I had jury duty today. It was the lamest and most horrible experience of my life to date. And that's saying something cuz I've been through some shit. Not anything particularly horrifying, don't worry, just pretty bad. It was really bad though. I despise waking up early and I had to be there at 8:15. Who the fuck is doing anything at 8:15 in the morning?!? I mean after they graduate high school anyways? Well...I guess some people are doing important things...but I'm not one of them so I feel victimized. Little Eric enjoyed it though. He was incredibly active today. I put the headphones on my belly while I was sitting in the abysmal jury waiting room, and I'll be damned if he didn't start dancing. He's not even born yet and my child can dance. I could actually feel him positioning his head to get closer to the music and then just a jumping around. It was one of the sweetest, most beautiful things I've ever had the pleasure of witnessing. And I'm glad it happened while I was bored out of my fucking skull.
He's been moving a lot lately while I'm walking. I know before I was worried about him moving around too much, but at least then I was sitting down. Now he kicks and punches while I'm walking and it hurts. Like...the other day I was walking my niece home from school and everything was fine and normal and then BAM!! he moved onto a nerve or something and I was literally doubled over in the street in pain. My niece, the most wise toddler I know, looked up at me and said "He was kicking you again wasn't he? I told him to stop hurting you so bad but he don't listen." That was cute. Laughter hurt though. I think the pain comes from walking too fast. I really hate walking slow though. Unless I'm already tired that is. I have always kept my pace pretty quick....this child is attempting to ruin that shit. Oh yeah and I'm fucking 212 pounds. I keep gaining so much weight. And I know I should really start watching how I eat but I can't. Like all of a sudden, I NEED STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM. I can't explain it in anymore detail. I just do. And I get it. I think in the past 3 weeks I've been through 2 gallons. What. the. fuck.
In lighter news, I got hit on today. That was refreshing. I was dancing in the aisle at fye, and this dude(who was in no way shape or form attractive in my opinion) said something about it and then asked my name. I told him I was 7 months pregnant and he jumped back with his arms held up. That was funny. Swollen bellies are apparently tres intimidating. Oh well. I feel pretty. Thats what really matters. I'm gonna sleep good tonight....at least I can count on that
He's been moving a lot lately while I'm walking. I know before I was worried about him moving around too much, but at least then I was sitting down. Now he kicks and punches while I'm walking and it hurts. Like...the other day I was walking my niece home from school and everything was fine and normal and then BAM!! he moved onto a nerve or something and I was literally doubled over in the street in pain. My niece, the most wise toddler I know, looked up at me and said "He was kicking you again wasn't he? I told him to stop hurting you so bad but he don't listen." That was cute. Laughter hurt though. I think the pain comes from walking too fast. I really hate walking slow though. Unless I'm already tired that is. I have always kept my pace pretty quick....this child is attempting to ruin that shit. Oh yeah and I'm fucking 212 pounds. I keep gaining so much weight. And I know I should really start watching how I eat but I can't. Like all of a sudden, I NEED STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM. I can't explain it in anymore detail. I just do. And I get it. I think in the past 3 weeks I've been through 2 gallons. What. the. fuck.
In lighter news, I got hit on today. That was refreshing. I was dancing in the aisle at fye, and this dude(who was in no way shape or form attractive in my opinion) said something about it and then asked my name. I told him I was 7 months pregnant and he jumped back with his arms held up. That was funny. Swollen bellies are apparently tres intimidating. Oh well. I feel pretty. Thats what really matters. I'm gonna sleep good tonight....at least I can count on that
Friday, April 17, 2009
I'm Such A Douche
I feel horrible because I haven't blogged in a while. Our internet fucks up so easily its hard to get on this bitch. Plus its not the house computer...it's my brother's and he's a supreme dickwash bag so yeah....
Not much going on for me. MY PARENTS LEFT TOWN FOR THE WEEK!! That makes me so fucking happy! Eric's spending a night....Saturday night. I feel like such a housewife. I'm cooking him dinner and on Sunday morning I plan on making him a breakfast feast. If that doesn't make him want to marry me I don't know what will. That was a joke. I'm pretty sure he wants to marry me regardless of my cooking abilities. My mom has been teaching me more cooking techniques since she's been home recovering from her surgery, and I must say that I'm sure I've gotten much better. I've always cooked. My sister can't for shit so most nights it was my responsibility to make sure we had something to put in out bellies. Plus now's the time to start practicing because soon I'm going to be cooking for 3 on a regular basis. I hope.
I actually got my tax refund check the day I wrote about it. I have yet to the crib though. My friend was supposed to take me but shit fell through...blah, blah, blah. I put the money aside so I can't spend it. It's gonna be from Ikea and it's absolutely adorable. I'm falling in love with all of my baby furniture and shit. I'm just excited. I cannot however, wait for this little motherfucker to exit my womb post haste. He has started kicking with a vengance it seems. And I'm like "Well damn, if you wanna get out that bad, be my guest." In all actuality at 28 weeks, he could survive. Its far from recommended but it's doable. I'm in my third trimester!! Wtf?! That happened very quickly. I now have approx 12 weeks until I give birth. i'm so fucking scared.....i've been watching waaaaay too many discovery channel shows on giving birth and shit. Those women look and sound like death. I can't even think of another word or phrase to use to describe it. If contractions are that bad...I don't know. I'm going to kill Eric. He thinks he can get away unscathed....HA.
In other news....I cleaned my room the other day. Getting ready and making space. I happened upon a virtual treasure trove. Found all of my shit from high school that I had completely forgotten about. My scrapbook, my jopurnal, a few pieces of jewelry of mild significance, and random other shit I held onto. I felt so old looking at it all. Like I graduated more than 4 years ago....ha. And I got a new phone. Which is more shitty and horrible than the one I had before but at least it works. I think it started fucking up because I told it I hate it. Which I do. It's so ugly. It doesn't do anything and its so boring and plain and not my stylo(which is French for pen but we'll overlook that for the moment). I'm supposed to be re-learning French actually. My dad says he has a speak French program and I'm excited to begin. i love the French language and I think it'd be cool as shit if I could teach it to my son. He'd be booking mad bitches mad early. Which isn't a good thing but oh well.
Not much going on for me. MY PARENTS LEFT TOWN FOR THE WEEK!! That makes me so fucking happy! Eric's spending a night....Saturday night. I feel like such a housewife. I'm cooking him dinner and on Sunday morning I plan on making him a breakfast feast. If that doesn't make him want to marry me I don't know what will. That was a joke. I'm pretty sure he wants to marry me regardless of my cooking abilities. My mom has been teaching me more cooking techniques since she's been home recovering from her surgery, and I must say that I'm sure I've gotten much better. I've always cooked. My sister can't for shit so most nights it was my responsibility to make sure we had something to put in out bellies. Plus now's the time to start practicing because soon I'm going to be cooking for 3 on a regular basis. I hope.
I actually got my tax refund check the day I wrote about it. I have yet to the crib though. My friend was supposed to take me but shit fell through...blah, blah, blah. I put the money aside so I can't spend it. It's gonna be from Ikea and it's absolutely adorable. I'm falling in love with all of my baby furniture and shit. I'm just excited. I cannot however, wait for this little motherfucker to exit my womb post haste. He has started kicking with a vengance it seems. And I'm like "Well damn, if you wanna get out that bad, be my guest." In all actuality at 28 weeks, he could survive. Its far from recommended but it's doable. I'm in my third trimester!! Wtf?! That happened very quickly. I now have approx 12 weeks until I give birth. i'm so fucking scared.....i've been watching waaaaay too many discovery channel shows on giving birth and shit. Those women look and sound like death. I can't even think of another word or phrase to use to describe it. If contractions are that bad...I don't know. I'm going to kill Eric. He thinks he can get away unscathed....HA.
In other news....I cleaned my room the other day. Getting ready and making space. I happened upon a virtual treasure trove. Found all of my shit from high school that I had completely forgotten about. My scrapbook, my jopurnal, a few pieces of jewelry of mild significance, and random other shit I held onto. I felt so old looking at it all. Like I graduated more than 4 years ago....ha. And I got a new phone. Which is more shitty and horrible than the one I had before but at least it works. I think it started fucking up because I told it I hate it. Which I do. It's so ugly. It doesn't do anything and its so boring and plain and not my stylo(which is French for pen but we'll overlook that for the moment). I'm supposed to be re-learning French actually. My dad says he has a speak French program and I'm excited to begin. i love the French language and I think it'd be cool as shit if I could teach it to my son. He'd be booking mad bitches mad early. Which isn't a good thing but oh well.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
All Hail Me!!
That was a joke.
We got a stroller!! The only thing that's wrong with it is this hole on the umbrella part up top, but I'm just gonna put some duct tape on that bitch and call it a day. One of my neighbors gave it to me. It had belonged to her daughter who got a new one for her second son. Its cute as a button!! its also reportedly expensive as fuck. Me and my mom have to go and try to find a car seat to fit with it as well. My neighbor also gave me a used diaper genie. I don't give a shit if its used. The mother fucker works and I'm happy as shit cuz thats literally about $200 she saved me. I wanted to wash and kiss her feet. Not cuz I think they're dirty....you know how that thing goes....back in biblical times....whatever.
My mother is going a bit baby crazy. We went to Target and she bought all this wall decor stuff. Which I am so grateful for but I let her know we didn't need it. She doesn't care. So the theme has changed from tropical fish and such to animals. Cuz that's what all the decor is. Its so cute!! I got a wall border and lots of stick-up letters and pictures of animals. i can't wait to decorate it all but first I need to finish cleaning. I actually started yesterday which suprised the fuck out of me. I hate cleaning but sooner or later I'll be getting my refund check and immediatly after I cash it, I'm buying a crib. Like maybe the same day. I really don't like waiting around until the last minute to get important shit done. Which Eric can't seem to understand but he's a stupid man so I don't expect him to understand much anyways.
More good news! My(get ready) sister's baby father's brother's wife Nikki, has offered to throw me a baby shower!! I am elated. It was known that I was freaking out and she loves throwing and hosting shit so she offered her help. I know I complained about having it in a house and what not but she offered it. Noone has offered it except my parents and I'm just damn grateful. I am. Another thing I no longer have to worry about. I had asked Eric to ask his mother ages ago if she was going to help us pay for the originally planned location and he put it off like many other things he puts off, so I'm glad this has been done.
We've been arguing. I don't know how to take it. It's been a while since we have and its scary for it to just start happening again. I'm sure my pregnant horomones have something to do with my anger, but to be fair, he really was being a douche. I hate arguing with him. Last night I cried and got off the phone and threw it. I don't throw things. I find it pointless and juvenille. But I did it anyways. He was purposefully being a douchebag....I don't want to go into too much detail. I'm just scared. I don't want us to hate each other and I know logically that's highly improbable at this stage in our relationship, but its not impossible. We're about to have a baby man. Yipes.
In other news....I had a doctors appointment this past Monday. Went well. He knows where my uterus is...lmao. I can't feel it at all. Apparently it has stretched out well beyond my belly button and is hard or something. I've been trying to find it but it all feels the same to me. He assured me that "he's felt a lot of uteruses" which got me cracking up on the table. Unprofessional I know. I also don't care. I went in at 9:45. I thought I'd only have to see him for a check-up but he also made me go get MORE bloodwork done. This time they made me drink this absolutely wretched, vile, disgusting orange concoction and sit for an hour before they actually drew blood. I was pissed. And it made me all woozy and disoriented cuz it was soooo sweet. It was to like...test my blood sugar or something and I'm pretty sure I'm going to have pregnancy diabetes. I already have pregnancy induced hypertension. That sucks. He made me get that perscription filled and now I'm on fucking high blood pressure medicine at 20 years old. Yay. I hate taking medicine. I really really do. Hopefully after I give birth, I can get off of it. I feel so fat....icky.
We got a stroller!! The only thing that's wrong with it is this hole on the umbrella part up top, but I'm just gonna put some duct tape on that bitch and call it a day. One of my neighbors gave it to me. It had belonged to her daughter who got a new one for her second son. Its cute as a button!! its also reportedly expensive as fuck. Me and my mom have to go and try to find a car seat to fit with it as well. My neighbor also gave me a used diaper genie. I don't give a shit if its used. The mother fucker works and I'm happy as shit cuz thats literally about $200 she saved me. I wanted to wash and kiss her feet. Not cuz I think they're dirty....you know how that thing goes....back in biblical times....whatever.
My mother is going a bit baby crazy. We went to Target and she bought all this wall decor stuff. Which I am so grateful for but I let her know we didn't need it. She doesn't care. So the theme has changed from tropical fish and such to animals. Cuz that's what all the decor is. Its so cute!! I got a wall border and lots of stick-up letters and pictures of animals. i can't wait to decorate it all but first I need to finish cleaning. I actually started yesterday which suprised the fuck out of me. I hate cleaning but sooner or later I'll be getting my refund check and immediatly after I cash it, I'm buying a crib. Like maybe the same day. I really don't like waiting around until the last minute to get important shit done. Which Eric can't seem to understand but he's a stupid man so I don't expect him to understand much anyways.
More good news! My(get ready) sister's baby father's brother's wife Nikki, has offered to throw me a baby shower!! I am elated. It was known that I was freaking out and she loves throwing and hosting shit so she offered her help. I know I complained about having it in a house and what not but she offered it. Noone has offered it except my parents and I'm just damn grateful. I am. Another thing I no longer have to worry about. I had asked Eric to ask his mother ages ago if she was going to help us pay for the originally planned location and he put it off like many other things he puts off, so I'm glad this has been done.
We've been arguing. I don't know how to take it. It's been a while since we have and its scary for it to just start happening again. I'm sure my pregnant horomones have something to do with my anger, but to be fair, he really was being a douche. I hate arguing with him. Last night I cried and got off the phone and threw it. I don't throw things. I find it pointless and juvenille. But I did it anyways. He was purposefully being a douchebag....I don't want to go into too much detail. I'm just scared. I don't want us to hate each other and I know logically that's highly improbable at this stage in our relationship, but its not impossible. We're about to have a baby man. Yipes.
In other news....I had a doctors appointment this past Monday. Went well. He knows where my uterus is...lmao. I can't feel it at all. Apparently it has stretched out well beyond my belly button and is hard or something. I've been trying to find it but it all feels the same to me. He assured me that "he's felt a lot of uteruses" which got me cracking up on the table. Unprofessional I know. I also don't care. I went in at 9:45. I thought I'd only have to see him for a check-up but he also made me go get MORE bloodwork done. This time they made me drink this absolutely wretched, vile, disgusting orange concoction and sit for an hour before they actually drew blood. I was pissed. And it made me all woozy and disoriented cuz it was soooo sweet. It was to like...test my blood sugar or something and I'm pretty sure I'm going to have pregnancy diabetes. I already have pregnancy induced hypertension. That sucks. He made me get that perscription filled and now I'm on fucking high blood pressure medicine at 20 years old. Yay. I hate taking medicine. I really really do. Hopefully after I give birth, I can get off of it. I feel so fat....icky.
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