Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Of Mice and Men

This is proving to be the most infuriating call for patience that I've ever been forced to endure. Pregnancy is not at all what I thought it was going to be. At all, at all, at all.

These past few days I've been feeling a little sick. Like nauseous sick. I'm convinced that its the heat thats making me feel like this but that doesn't make me like any more. I know I wanted it to be hot and blah blah blah, but I hate feeling like I'm going to throw up constantly. It has also come to my attention that carryig my son has become more painful. Its like he is finding all the most horrible places in my belly to rest. I try not to move or wake him unless its absolutely unbearable. Which is hard to do because no matter what its uncomfortable as fuck and I'm a stickler for comfort.

I've gained a total of 60 pounds since I've been pregnant. I am so discouraged. I know that weight gain comes with it and all that shit but I worked SO HARD last year to lose all that damn weight and its back. So I have to do it all over again. I tell you what...this baby better be damn attractive. Not in an incest type of way, but for alll this trouble he better be a cute baby. And be a millionaire when gets older. I'm charging him with this duty now. Eric is being a trooper about my incessant complaining due to weight. I really can't help it. I look in the mirror and its just not what i want to see. Who can be happy when faced with that?!? NO ONE. I'm glad he's putting up with me though. I can be quite the bitch.

Also my mother made me slightly upset this morning. I have horrible eyesight. This is known. I'm perfectly fine with it. I really really really hate glasses. Any pair I've ever had made me look horrible. Its hard to find a frame that looks good on a perfectly round face. Well rectangle ones but thats not my sole point. She's(my mother) paying for me and my brother to get an exam and new glasses. I'm grateful. I really truly am. But I don't want them. At all. I hate glasses. Put that on top of the fact that i already feel fat and ugly and useless and glasses do not add anything great to the equation. But I have to get them. I'm gonna cry again when I get there and see the hideous frames I have to choose from. OMG I HATE BEING POOR.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Call Me Mrs. Lonely

I'm so freaking bored.

I hate...more than anything in this world....being alone. Its also one of my greatest fears. Everyone just leaving me never to return again. That shit is scary. I can hardly believe its not even 11 in the morning yet and I'm by myself. And Eric doesn't wanna come see me. Eh. At least I get time to do more laundry and shit right?

I had a really big scare yesterday. One of the light bulbs in our bathroom has been out for most of this past week. It started really bothering me. Not that we needed it to be replaced immediately, but I'm used to it and it not being there made me sketchy. As many things do. But I digress. I decided to go on and replace it myself. And I got electrocuted. Well more of a shock really. I felt it go through my left arm, across my shoulders, and down my back. Then I felt kinda weak and stumbled into my brothers room and got him to finish changing it. I don't know how I got shocked. I've changed enough light bulbs in my life you know...? I wasn't even freaked out until I remembered that I'm pregnant. And I had to call Eric and he was upset with me. And lectured me about me doing things that i shouldn't while I'm carrying his child. hich I totally agree with but it's A FUCKING LIGHT BULB. I was scared. More scared than I was the day I went to the emergency room. My brother was on the internet so I couldn't look up what the effects of getting a shock while pregnant were. I had Eric do it. And it's bad. Basically, in most cases when the mother experiences a shock throughout her body, the baby dies within a few day. 71%. That's a big fucking percent. So then I really started freaking out and called the hospital to see what I should do and spoke to a midwife. She assured me that because I didn't experience a full body shock I should be just fine. She told me to drink some juice and lay down and count his movements. If he didn't move 10 times within 2 hours, she told me I needed to get to a hospital immediately.

That was the worst waiting period of my life. I was so scared....I could barely relax myself enough to feel him moving. Fortunately he moved 10 times within 10 minutes. I know Eric is really disappointed in me. I really learned a lesson. I've been trying so hard to not feel invalid, I haven't been putting my son's well-being first. I've been selfish and horribly unfair to him. I feel so bad....and I know it was a mistake and an accident and the chances of it happening were so slim that i shouldn't beat myself up over it. But you can't reall judge me until you fuck up like that. Its the worst thing I've ever done hands down. And I'm sorry. It doesn't help that I was just having an overactive day yesterday. I lugged a big huge suitcase filled with laundry up and down the steps . Stayed out running around with my niece. Cleaned up the yard. Which really, really needed to be done so I'm not too sorry about that. There was so much random trash laying around and it severly depressed me. Then I was up cooking and cleaning in the house....oh man I feel horrible about it.

Lesson learned. I'm definitely going to chill the fuck out. It doesn't help that I don't really look pregnant. Half the time I don't really feel it either. I haven't said anything about it but I've decided to stay natural!! Today i'm gonna look around for some tips on how to style this shit cuz this mini-bush is just not kicking it anymore. I am not feeling it. I already bought completely natural hair products. Like no chemicals in my shampoo or conditioner. I'm proud of myself. i've been following a routine for about 2 weeks now and I can already feel the difference. My hair has definitely gotten longer and a bit thicker. The biggest difference is that now its not like sandpaper. its soft. Its fucking soft. That is so brand new to me....and refreshing!!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Oh Ma Jesus

I had jury duty today. It was the lamest and most horrible experience of my life to date. And that's saying something cuz I've been through some shit. Not anything particularly horrifying, don't worry, just pretty bad. It was really bad though. I despise waking up early and I had to be there at 8:15. Who the fuck is doing anything at 8:15 in the morning?!? I mean after they graduate high school anyways? Well...I guess some people are doing important things...but I'm not one of them so I feel victimized. Little Eric enjoyed it though. He was incredibly active today. I put the headphones on my belly while I was sitting in the abysmal jury waiting room, and I'll be damned if he didn't start dancing. He's not even born yet and my child can dance. I could actually feel him positioning his head to get closer to the music and then just a jumping around. It was one of the sweetest, most beautiful things I've ever had the pleasure of witnessing. And I'm glad it happened while I was bored out of my fucking skull.

He's been moving a lot lately while I'm walking. I know before I was worried about him moving around too much, but at least then I was sitting down. Now he kicks and punches while I'm walking and it hurts. Like...the other day I was walking my niece home from school and everything was fine and normal and then BAM!! he moved onto a nerve or something and I was literally doubled over in the street in pain. My niece, the most wise toddler I know, looked up at me and said "He was kicking you again wasn't he? I told him to stop hurting you so bad but he don't listen." That was cute. Laughter hurt though. I think the pain comes from walking too fast. I really hate walking slow though. Unless I'm already tired that is. I have always kept my pace pretty quick....this child is attempting to ruin that shit. Oh yeah and I'm fucking 212 pounds. I keep gaining so much weight. And I know I should really start watching how I eat but I can't. Like all of a sudden, I NEED STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM. I can't explain it in anymore detail. I just do. And I get it. I think in the past 3 weeks I've been through 2 gallons. What. the. fuck.

In lighter news, I got hit on today. That was refreshing. I was dancing in the aisle at fye, and this dude(who was in no way shape or form attractive in my opinion) said something about it and then asked my name. I told him I was 7 months pregnant and he jumped back with his arms held up. That was funny. Swollen bellies are apparently tres intimidating. Oh well. I feel pretty. Thats what really matters. I'm gonna sleep good tonight....at least I can count on that

Friday, April 17, 2009

I'm Such A Douche

I feel horrible because I haven't blogged in a while. Our internet fucks up so easily its hard to get on this bitch. Plus its not the house computer...it's my brother's and he's a supreme dickwash bag so yeah....

Not much going on for me. MY PARENTS LEFT TOWN FOR THE WEEK!! That makes me so fucking happy! Eric's spending a night....Saturday night. I feel like such a housewife. I'm cooking him dinner and on Sunday morning I plan on making him a breakfast feast. If that doesn't make him want to marry me I don't know what will. That was a joke. I'm pretty sure he wants to marry me regardless of my cooking abilities. My mom has been teaching me more cooking techniques since she's been home recovering from her surgery, and I must say that I'm sure I've gotten much better. I've always cooked. My sister can't for shit so most nights it was my responsibility to make sure we had something to put in out bellies. Plus now's the time to start practicing because soon I'm going to be cooking for 3 on a regular basis. I hope.

I actually got my tax refund check the day I wrote about it. I have yet to the crib though. My friend was supposed to take me but shit fell through...blah, blah, blah. I put the money aside so I can't spend it. It's gonna be from Ikea and it's absolutely adorable. I'm falling in love with all of my baby furniture and shit. I'm just excited. I cannot however, wait for this little motherfucker to exit my womb post haste. He has started kicking with a vengance it seems. And I'm like "Well damn, if you wanna get out that bad, be my guest." In all actuality at 28 weeks, he could survive. Its far from recommended but it's doable. I'm in my third trimester!! Wtf?! That happened very quickly. I now have approx 12 weeks until I give birth. i'm so fucking scared.....i've been watching waaaaay too many discovery channel shows on giving birth and shit. Those women look and sound like death. I can't even think of another word or phrase to use to describe it. If contractions are that bad...I don't know. I'm going to kill Eric. He thinks he can get away unscathed....HA.

In other news....I cleaned my room the other day. Getting ready and making space. I happened upon a virtual treasure trove. Found all of my shit from high school that I had completely forgotten about. My scrapbook, my jopurnal, a few pieces of jewelry of mild significance, and random other shit I held onto. I felt so old looking at it all. Like I graduated more than 4 years ago....ha. And I got a new phone. Which is more shitty and horrible than the one I had before but at least it works. I think it started fucking up because I told it I hate it. Which I do. It's so ugly. It doesn't do anything and its so boring and plain and not my stylo(which is French for pen but we'll overlook that for the moment). I'm supposed to be re-learning French actually. My dad says he has a speak French program and I'm excited to begin. i love the French language and I think it'd be cool as shit if I could teach it to my son. He'd be booking mad bitches mad early. Which isn't a good thing but oh well.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

All Hail Me!!

That was a joke.

We got a stroller!! The only thing that's wrong with it is this hole on the umbrella part up top, but I'm just gonna put some duct tape on that bitch and call it a day. One of my neighbors gave it to me. It had belonged to her daughter who got a new one for her second son. Its cute as a button!! its also reportedly expensive as fuck. Me and my mom have to go and try to find a car seat to fit with it as well. My neighbor also gave me a used diaper genie. I don't give a shit if its used. The mother fucker works and I'm happy as shit cuz thats literally about $200 she saved me. I wanted to wash and kiss her feet. Not cuz I think they're dirty....you know how that thing goes....back in biblical times....whatever.

My mother is going a bit baby crazy. We went to Target and she bought all this wall decor stuff. Which I am so grateful for but I let her know we didn't need it. She doesn't care. So the theme has changed from tropical fish and such to animals. Cuz that's what all the decor is. Its so cute!! I got a wall border and lots of stick-up letters and pictures of animals. i can't wait to decorate it all but first I need to finish cleaning. I actually started yesterday which suprised the fuck out of me. I hate cleaning but sooner or later I'll be getting my refund check and immediatly after I cash it, I'm buying a crib. Like maybe the same day. I really don't like waiting around until the last minute to get important shit done. Which Eric can't seem to understand but he's a stupid man so I don't expect him to understand much anyways.

More good news! My(get ready) sister's baby father's brother's wife Nikki, has offered to throw me a baby shower!! I am elated. It was known that I was freaking out and she loves throwing and hosting shit so she offered her help. I know I complained about having it in a house and what not but she offered it. Noone has offered it except my parents and I'm just damn grateful. I am. Another thing I no longer have to worry about. I had asked Eric to ask his mother ages ago if she was going to help us pay for the originally planned location and he put it off like many other things he puts off, so I'm glad this has been done.

We've been arguing. I don't know how to take it. It's been a while since we have and its scary for it to just start happening again. I'm sure my pregnant horomones have something to do with my anger, but to be fair, he really was being a douche. I hate arguing with him. Last night I cried and got off the phone and threw it. I don't throw things. I find it pointless and juvenille. But I did it anyways. He was purposefully being a douchebag....I don't want to go into too much detail. I'm just scared. I don't want us to hate each other and I know logically that's highly improbable at this stage in our relationship, but its not impossible. We're about to have a baby man. Yipes.

In other news....I had a doctors appointment this past Monday. Went well. He knows where my uterus is...lmao. I can't feel it at all. Apparently it has stretched out well beyond my belly button and is hard or something. I've been trying to find it but it all feels the same to me. He assured me that "he's felt a lot of uteruses" which got me cracking up on the table. Unprofessional I know. I also don't care. I went in at 9:45. I thought I'd only have to see him for a check-up but he also made me go get MORE bloodwork done. This time they made me drink this absolutely wretched, vile, disgusting orange concoction and sit for an hour before they actually drew blood. I was pissed. And it made me all woozy and disoriented cuz it was soooo sweet. It was to like...test my blood sugar or something and I'm pretty sure I'm going to have pregnancy diabetes. I already have pregnancy induced hypertension. That sucks. He made me get that perscription filled and now I'm on fucking high blood pressure medicine at 20 years old. Yay. I hate taking medicine. I really really do. Hopefully after I give birth, I can get off of it. I feel so fat....icky.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Happy Birthday Eric!!

Amazing how I'm never doing anything yet I generally don't post very often. It slips my mind I guess. Eric is the internet buff, not I.

Speaking of mon amour, it's his 20th birthday today!!! I'm really excited because I got him some gifts I've been wanting to get him for a while. I'm afraid of his reaction. We usually tell each other what we're getting the other to ensure that no mistakes are made. I wanted to genuinely suprise him this time. Its nothing big or shiny or amazingly expensive, but I did listen to what he'd been saying and applied that to my purchases. Plus I've known him long enough to know he'll appreciate it. I plan on getting all pretty to go see him. He hasn't seen me in makeup in God knows how long but he will today! I'm turning it out!! Maybe he'll take pictures....

So my mom bought a changing table for the baby. It's white...thank God. My room is very bright so I was loathing her finding any deals on dark wood furniture for the baby. We both have to start cleaning out my room so that we can fit all this shit in it. I'm excited. I really am. I like decorating. Had an ultrasound on Wednesday. This baby is 2 freaking pounds already!! It doesn't feel like it. I don't think I'm gonna get much bigger. My belly is rounding out but its not actually growing much. I was fatter than this this time last year. I keep telling people that and they don't believe me. I'm like "This weight? This is one fuck of a comfort after last year!" Oh well. It doesn't matter.

I'm really getting tired of this having to piss so bad thing. It feels like I can't go out in public because I never know when I'm going to have to run off the bus to go. I almost did that yesterday but I just crossed my legs and kept singing. That helps but my mom says soon enough that won't help. When I have to go....I need to go. Oh well. I've decided to try and stop complaining(at least out loud) about the negative parts of pregnancy. I have started to notice many positives. Like, I never stand on the bus or subway anymore. EVER. And my appetite has decreased but what I like to eat has increased(I'm a picky eater). I wake up earlier which gives me more time during the day. My sex drive is way way up and Eric and I rarely argue anymore. I don't have to carry anything over 10 pounds and people are always willing to talk to me. I feel blessed.

I found out one of my friends is on her second pregnancy and due in like 2 weeks. I feel horrible. She and I were really close at one pont and now she's done so much and been through even more and I haven't been there for her. I had wanted to see her after she gave birth to her first son...I failed miserably. I just didn't make the time when I had it. I wonder often now if thats what will happen to me. Granted, I don't really fuck with anybody so there aren't people that could just drop out of my life, but still. Who'll disappear after Eric is born? As long as its not his daddy I think I'll be ok. I had a dream last night that we lived together and our son walked in on me sucking his dick. It was funny. I think it scarred him for life but in our defense I was sucking noisily and he didn't knock. He just bust in our shit(that's what they said-at our 3some) and started spazzing. Is it wrong that I hope that happens in reality?