Friday, March 27, 2009

Boy O Boy

So apparently, I'm stupid.

I've been stressing out about a place to have a baby shower. I'm the type of person who likes to plan things out very far in advance. I don't like waiting until the last minute. So today, at Eric's house, I started calling rec centers throughout the city to compare prices and availability. We found the perfect place. Its not far from here and easily accessible. It'd be $300 for 6 hours, which is better than most other places rates of $75/hour. We'd end up paying the same for less time. I was throughly excited and happy and ready to go check the place out and put down a deposit and start putting out invitations. Well not just yet because its still really early, but at least I could buy them and get myself ready. I'm already starting to collect addresses. We told his mom and she thought it was an excellent idea as well as price. I have yet to tell my best friend, but I'm sure she'll be happy about it especially since she had already decided she was going to help us pay for it. Great fucking news right?

I thought so. Until I got back home and decided to share this news with my parents. Who immediatly attacked me and called me stupid on oh so many different levels. It's too expensive they say. I tried to explain that Eric and I aren't paying for this by ourselves. They don't care because whomever is helping should be using that money to help out with the baby. I say..."Where do you propose we have it then?" "Here." Fuck no. I would never, ever have my baby shower in this house. I don't like it. I don't want to. I couldn't stand to have people know that this is where we live. And they ask how many people do I plan on having come. I guesstimate 50. They laugh and tell me there's no way that many people would want to come and they wouldn't show up and how ludacris of us to expect that our friends would show up to something so important to us! HOW FUCKING SILLY OF US. My father even goes so far as to say that if I'd rather spend $300 on a room for a baby shower than on neccesary tools or furniture for my child, then I obviously don't care about him. Him being my child of course. They sat and called me stupid and crazy for at least 10 minutes completely ruining any happiness I had previously felt.

We don't have enough space. There's no one rooom for people to congregate in this house. They wouldn't be allowed upstairs unless they had to use the bathroom and they'd all have to stand for lack of seating. We could only have people in the hallway and the living room. Two counches and maybe 10 random chairs. That don't match. Forgive me for being a stickler for things matching and looking nice. I'm having a boy and the fucking walls are pink for Pete's sake! With an Asian theme. I can't make that into a place where I'd want to have a baby shower. Plus, my father is NOT invited under any circumstances and he'd raise hell if he couldn't be in his own house. He's a jerk...he really is. Putting him around other people, especially a large gathering of them, is like mixing sulfuric acid and sodium chloride.He likes to pick on people. And Eric doesn't want him there and neither do I. I'd like to decorate my baby shower. I'd like to be in control of what happens and when.

I understand they they want me to save money and not waste it. But how could doing something that would make me happy be wasteful? Its something that both of us want and would appreciate. I also appreciate the fact that they would let me use the house to have it but they aren't seeing my points because they are soley concerned with the cost. I'm worried about the money. I truly am. But I'm not going to let anything take away from my first baby shower for our first son. My dad says that if we rent out the room, then I can't expect them to help us with the baby at all. Which hurts and is bringing tears to my eyes yet again. I don't know. I really don't. I just wanted them to be happy that we were figuring this out on our own. I don't want to ask them for shit all the time. Having a child is like our we can do this. And we can. They don't think so but we can. Fuck them anyway.

There Aren't Enough Bathrooms In this City

I'm getting tired of this having to piss all the time side effect. I really have a problem with public restrooms. Yesterday I had to go to the bathroom at a McDonald's and it was the worst experience ever. The seat was covered in piss, there was no toilet paper or soap, and some liquid was covering the floor. I thanked God for deciding to wear skinny jeans because if my pants had touched that floor I would have died. I'm not joking. Omg the thought now is making my skin crawl. And thankfully I carry anti-bacterial hand stuff around with me. I was thoroughly disgusted. It's like people don't even stop to consider pregnant women having to use their restrooms. But then again...neither did I until I found out I was pregnant.

I'm pissed because my phone is broken. Usually it's just off, but now it's off and broken. And I can't afford a new one for at least another month. Being broke is....really horrible. I'm seriously considering going to a trade school as soon as the baby is born. Maybe in criminal justice. Its not really a trade school, its a get a certificate to do this job kinda thing. I just have have to figure out how much I'll have to pay and how I'll be able to work and take care of a baby and still go to school. If I stay at Centerstage, which I hope I can, I'm sure I'll be able to work out a schedule that'll work. They're quite sympathetic to my needs. You should see them. The practically fall over themselves trying to accomodate me. It's sweet, but a little frustrating. Not just them but everyone who tries so hard to make sure I'm not moving.

My grandmother just sent me some new maternity clothes. I'm excited because there are actually some cute things in there!! I thought she was gonna get me a bunch of stuff that was outdated and horrible looking but most of it is incredibly practical and fashionable. You can't go wrong with a black dress or a plain white shirt. I'm proud of her. Eric III is doing fine. He's starting to kick more forcefully. It doesn't hurt at all anymore. It's actually a bit therapuetic. And it makes me feel good to know he's in there doing just fine. I was reading up on it and they say that this is when he should be kicking the most. He's right on schedule with that shit. I'm scheduled for another ultrasound on the first. I'm looking forward to see how much he's grown. I can see my stomach growing but it seems like noone else can. I'm not pissed about that just concerned. My mom says I shouldn't be worried but I am.

Tim left me a comment that really made me rethink my approach to how I'm looking at my pregnancy. He says I shouldn't feel so insecure but I can't expect him to understand why I do simply because he's a man. And I'm not trying to be sexist. There's so much going on in my head its scary. I'm faced with this brand new prospect of motherhood that I'm not prepared for. Of course I'm feeling insecure about my ability to mother this child, mine and Eric's situation affecting the way our child grows, and many other things. My parents have never met Eric's parents. I don't think they'll like each other. I'm also worried about not being able to relate to my son because he's a boy. I don't like boys and I never have. I've avoided them most of my life. Except their dicks. I like dick. Not to mention, pregnancy makes your horomones fluctuate and act all wierd. But I've been thinking about it much more positively now. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. I love my son and I know he'll love me. I love Eric and I know he'll make a great father and together we'll be a strong parenting force. I'm excited and anxious for these next few months to go by so I can just get all of this over with.

Monday, March 23, 2009

I'm So Happy Spring Is Back!

I'm in love with music.

I always have been but lately I feel its one of the few things that completely takes the stress away from me. I've also started lighting incense again. That always works. I want music to be a big part of Eric's life. I doubt it could be anything else....both of his parents LOVE it so much.....I just wonder if his taste will be diverse. I like more R&B and classical music. Also a lot of the funk mixes and shit. Eric loves rap. Not hard core kill a nigga rap but more mellow, introspective shit. That I appreciate. I just don't favor it. I've started being wary about putting headphones on my tummy though. He starts kicking and I can't tell if its a happy kick or if he's freaked out. I don't wanna scare my baby!!

I had a good talk with my father yesterday. About what he expected of me and me of myself. He's actually relieved I made it at least to 20. Of course we both would have liked me to be more settled in life and have a career and shit, but he's offered his support. I told him that I plan on going to like a trade school or something as soon as I can. I need to do something....get certified to something. So we can get a place and not have to rely so heavily on my parents and his mom. He's happy but wishes I could do something with my theater. Me too. I feel so....stupid for waiting this long to get serious about my life. I should have...! Shoulda, coulda, woulda but i didn't and now I can't be all sad and shit. I wonder how many successful actresses have made it after already having a child.

I had a doctors appointment this past wednesday. It went smoothly I guess. They're worried about my blood pressure being too high. It isn't at the moment, but its boderline. They don't seem to understand that I get anxious when I know I'm getting my pressure taken and that makes it higher. They're like..."Oh just calm down and we'll take it again later.". I was especially freaked out this past time because I knew I was getting all my test results back that let me know if I had anything. Like an STD or something. I've been with Eric for damn near 3 years but I still get nervous when I get tested. Especially because apparently, since I've been pregnant I've been with two other people(both girls thank you very much. And yes...Eric was well aware). Plus they tested for things with the baby to see if he's ok. That is STRESSFUL. So yeah, my blood pressure is bound to be a little high. I had to wait 2 weeks to find out that we're both healthy as fuck and we'll be ok. Talk about a load off my shoulders. They gave me a big orange bottle to fill up with my piss. At home over a 24-hour period. That was really horrible. It didn't even fit in the toilet. And taking it back to them on friday was even worse because I had to get on the bus and I was worried about it spilling on the floor or something. I don't know....carrying piss around isn't the greatest task you could ever want...thats all I'm saying.

So EricIII and I are doing just fine, I'm getting closer to my mom and dad, I bought my first maternity clothes, which look nice but don't fit the way I expected at all, and I'm happy. Oh and now when Eric and I have sex, I get to be on top which is a pretty hot twist. I mean I used to climb up there every once in a while but I'd mostly not feel like it. Now that I've read its recommended for pregnancy, I'm more into it. And its fucking HOT. Omg, the other day, I came rainbows. No lie.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Stuntin Like His Daddy

It's a boy. A glorious, exquisite princeling, ready to be schooled and learned in the ways of his father and his fathers father and all of his fathers before them. Not that I even know them.

I'm happy. I am. I wanted a girl, but I knew in my heart it was gonna be a boy. I'm just excited that he's healthy and active and growing on schedule. Its funny. For a few hours, I felt like I was horribly saddened by finding out that he's a boy. But I see now that it wasn't that he's male, it's that I was wrong and I hate being wrong. I love my son. He's gonna be a 3rd. Eric Dante Richardson III. I can't rightly call him Eric though because that's the name I screamed out conceiving him. I'll be calling him Dante....maybe just Donny. I have a son. That's blowing my motherfucking mind.

I am greatly and most chiefly concerned with Eric at this point. I've pretty much been dealing with my own insecurities up to this point. I'm really interested in how he's feeling about all this. I know he'll be a great father. He can't be less because he's a great man. But he said something to me earlier, touching on the relationship that he has with his father, and it got me thinking about his relationship with our son. Its hard at this point because I wish we were married and ready and able to introduce our child into a stable environment upon birth with mother a father living together and raising him equally. I don't like the fact that we live in 2 seperate houses and that he'll have to be transported back and forth from one house to the other. Will that reflect negatively in the way he's raised? And I have the uptmost trust in Eric, as a man as as the father of my child, but I wonder about him not being there emotionally for our son. He's barely there emotionally with me.

I don't know. I just think that my father turned out to be a crappy dad because his father wasn't there for him. My dad stuck by us but he made our lives hell. He still makes our lives as hellish as possible. I don't want Eric's relationship with his father to dictate how he'll be with our son. I'm so scared for him....I love him so much. And it bothers me. I'm SO MAD at his father for not being there. And cutting out something thats so important in a boy's life. And not realizing the effect that its had or trying to fix it. Not that that's remotely fixable, but to not even try? And these thoughts are biased and said in anger, but its how I feel. I'm confused about it. I don't really know how people get on without their fathers. My dad may have been a fright, and still is, but at least he was there. I can't be a dadddy for our son so I'm glad Eric will be. But will he know how? I don't even know how to be a mommy...all I've got down so far is the being pregnant part.

We'll figure it out. I hope to be married and at least in an apartment withing the next 2-3 years. I really don't want my child playing on these least the ones in my neighborhood. It stinks, there are rats, and the sidewalk is littered with shards or glass and condoms. Living in the city is not an option. Eric lives in a nice part of the city. I don't want him to be raised here.

I'll end this by saying I love my son. And even more than him, his father. Eric has been more than I could ever say to me. He's helped me through so much and put up with so much of my bullshit. He listens and offers the best advice. He's my kind of pervert and thats the best kind there is. I love him so completely and thoroughly its hard to imagine I've ever thought I was in love before. He wholly embodies my defintion of soul mate and I am more than thankful and grateful that he's entered my life. I can't imagine anyone else I'd rather start the rest of my life with. I see many years of laughter and great fun in my future and more than anything...I see him.

Oh and I'm 24 weeks pregnant, the baby weighs 1 pound 6 ounces, and my new due date is July 6th.
24 weeks

And these are cool as shit.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Rescheduled my ultrasound appointment. Its on Monday. Eric's coming. And again....I'm anxious.

The other day I had yet another mental breakdown. It seems like being pregnant is when the tears come the most. I'm really, really tired of crying almost every single day. Although this past time, I felt it was completely legitimate. I woke up to bills. Hospital bills. One for over $800 and the other over $2000. I've never seen a bill in my name worth that much. the one bill was no problem though, because I'm in a program at that hospital so it'll be void. I freaked about the other one though. I understand that medical assistance will take care of it. I know that I don't HAVE to worry about the expenses involving child care and prenatal care. But I do. Eric and my brother didn't seem to understand that it wasn't just the fact that I had these bills to deal with. I had this mental image that when I had kids, I'd have insurance and a house with a yard and be married and everything would be and go perfectly according to plan. Getting those bills was a brutal shove back into my reality. I'm now forced to live a way I never saw. Call it stupid, whatever. I know that rarely anything in life goes as planned. I just thought I could beat it. I have all this shit to worry about now. Like where the fuck are we going to get the money to pay for the things our child needs? As crib, a stroller, diapers, pacifiers....I couldn't even afford to buy myself a new pair of shoes when they were falling apart, HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO CARE FOR A CHILD? Its a rather rude awakening. Holding that bill in my hand....was a reminder. That I'm far from a provider.....I didn't even have the insurance to cover it. I wasn't responsible enough to take care of myself.

I hate hearing that bullshit about, "Having a baby makes you responsible.". I wanted to be responsible before I had it. To ensure my child a worry free and struggle free environment. I know that a lot of poverty stricken mothers think the same way. And yes I am quite impoverished. I make less than $8,000 a year. You can't raise children with that. And I'm sick of Eric reminding me that people will help us. We shouldn't need peoples help because I shouldn't be fucking pregnant in the first place. Not that I shouldn't per say.That we weren't ready. A good family is one that is planned. Where the parents make enough to support their child and don't have to lean on the support of others. I hate feeling indebted to others. Maybe this is just a personal struggle. I am truly happy that I get to be a mother. That I get to raise this child and teach it things a way no one else could. To love and nurture it with all of my heart, body, soul, and being. But I truly wish circumstances were different and that I were ready. I'm not.

Went to prenatal class yesterday. It was informative. I ended up being the only person who bothered to show up so me and the instructor got a lot of my concerns dealt with. I felt good being the only one there because I got one on one learning.....couldn't have asked for better.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I'm Serious This Time!

I set up yet another appointment for my ultrasound. It's on Monday at 10 AM. And I haven't really stopped smiling since. My dad is confused as to mhy I want to know if we're having a boy or girl. Apparently in the Stonbe Age, that was frowned upon. Fuck that shit!! I wanna know!!

So we've decided on Audrey if its a girl. I like the name Damon for a boy but we'll most likely end up making it a third. Its weird that Eric's a junior. It's weird that I have to think about this shit so early in life.....I really can't stop thinking about anything else. I'm having a baby. I'M HAVING A BABY!!

As far as how the baby is developing.....the kicks and punches are becoming distinguishable. Barely, but its still exciting. He wakes me up most nights with a swift kick to my left side. Without fail. I find it cute. I still don't have any cravings which is frustrating people. Its like they want me to be stuffing my face all damn day. I already feel fat as hell and I'm perfectly content with just eating when I'm hungry. I have the mental capacity to stop my self from gorging. Plus its really uncomfortable to sleep with a full stomach and a baby.

I wish I had pictures and shit to put up but I'm not comfortable with the way I look yet. Eric thinks I'm still sexy which should be enough but its not. At all. I used to weigh this much this time last year. And I hated it then. I'd be more comfortable with it if my belly was round instead of flabby and fat. And its really discouraging to have people try to feel your baby kick but they can't through your fat. My brother, sister, and father all had their hands on my belly while the baby was kicking the shit out of me and they couldn't feel a thing. I was embarrassed beyond belief. Gotta take it with a smile though. Doesn't necessarily make me happy but I find solace in the fact that I'm about to be a mother and my child doesn't care what I look like. I wanna be the hot mom though.

Monday, March 9, 2009

I'm Fucking Dying Over Here

So I never did find out what type of baby we're having. I haven't completed my medical assistance paperwork(i.e bring in my birth certificate) so they can't give me an ultrasound or anything until I do. I was truly more livid than I've been in a really long time. The fact that they set up the appointment knowing I didn't bring in my certificate burned me so bad. I asked how they were even able to make a mistake like that. I got lots of apologies and reassurances but nothing the could do made me feel any better. I just knew that I was going to find out if I was having a girl or a boy and the fact that they took that away from me made me hurt. I didn't cry until I got outside. I proceeded to march through the streets of Baltimore with tears streaming down my face. I'd pull myself together to just lose it all over again halfway down the block. I don't mind looking like a crazy person though.

It wasn't just anger at the hospital though. I was mad at myself. For having lost the damn thing to begin with and subjecting myself to the agonizing torture that is waiting. Now I have to go back and set up all these damn appointments all over again. I was upset because I felt as though I had disappointed everyone that was expecting to hear what we're having. I still can't set up a baby shower. I don't know where to have it or who to invite. I don't know wtf a baby shower consists of!! Do I have to cook? Buy a cake? I thought other people set this shit up for you......*sigh*

At any rate nothing else has been going on. My aunt and grandmother bought me these 2 maternity shirts. They're....sweet. My mom is now in Virginia recovering from her brain aneurysm surgery. That was heartbreaking as well. I hate seeing my mother in pain. I went and saw her at the hospital and nearly choked on my tears at least 35 times. She looked so helpless and defeated. She says she feels great now though. A bit of pain when she puts too much pressure on the leg with the incision and an uncomfortable pressure when she pisses. I keep having these insane nightmares. The other day I had a zombie dream. I cut the head off of one and kicked it off to the side. It spun around and lunged at me. Woke me right the fuck up and I couldn't go back to sleep. And last night I had a dream that Eric and I went to the doctors and they told me that my baby didn't have a heartbeat. I cried in the dream and when I woke up my pillow was wet. Maybe that was drool but still. Creeps me out.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

The Anticipation Is Killing Me

So today I have an appointment at 2PM to see if we're having a boy or girl.

I am losing my mind.

I knew it was only a matter of time before I found out, but I am so fucking anxious. I just wish I was already on my way there. Fuckdribbles. Oh well. Yesterday I met my doctor for the first tiome. I know most girls are used to getting their PAP smears and uterine exams done, but I've never felt comfortable with another person sticking shit thats not a dick, tongue, or not gloved finger in me. Yeah that's vulgar-my bad. At any rate, he(and yeah I would have preferred a female doctor) did all that and it was really hard not to burst out laughing sitting up there on the table. And he did my breasts which are becoming increasingly sensitive. That was very uncomfortable to say the least. Every time he brushed my nipple my breath caught. I wonder if he noticed.

So at this point he says I'm lined up exactly how I should be at 21 weeks. My uterus is stretching nicely....I couldn't believe a man said those words to me but he did. I heard the heart beat for the first time. And cried AGAIN. He thought something was wrong with me. I assured him I'm so so excited and overwhelmed at this living thing inside of me. I am. Everyday feels like an adventure. I know he's supposed to grow a lot in these next few weeks. I wanted to put pictures up of my belly as it grows, but right now it just looks like a glob of fat. Which is what it was before. OMG I'M 191 POUNDS! I almost shat myself. I worked really fucking hard to get down to a size 12/13 last summer and this baby has ruined my efforts in 5 months. That is ridiculous. It better be glad I had kept my fat clothes. Although Eric and others are really pressuring me to get some maternity clothes. I think I'll head down to Target today after my appointment and see whats on the clearance rack. Cuz I'm broke as shit.

how ya like me now

Thats what it feels like too.