Stuntin Like His Daddy

It's a boy. A glorious, exquisite princeling, ready to be schooled and learned in the ways of his father and his fathers father and all of his fathers before them. Not that I even know them.

I'm happy. I am. I wanted a girl, but I knew in my heart it was gonna be a boy. I'm just excited that he's healthy and active and growing on schedule. Its funny. For a few hours, I felt like I was horribly saddened by finding out that he's a boy. But I see now that it wasn't that he's male, it's that I was wrong and I hate being wrong. I love my son. He's gonna be a 3rd. Eric Dante Richardson III. I can't rightly call him Eric though because that's the name I screamed out conceiving him. I'll be calling him Dante....maybe just Donny. I have a son. That's blowing my motherfucking mind.

I am greatly and most chiefly concerned with Eric at this point. I've pretty much been dealing with my own insecurities up to this point. I'm really interested in how he's feeling about all this. I know he'll be a great father. He can't be less because he's a great man. But he said something to me earlier, touching on the relationship that he has with his father, and it got me thinking about his relationship with our son. Its hard at this point because I wish we were married and ready and able to introduce our child into a stable environment upon birth with mother a father living together and raising him equally. I don't like the fact that we live in 2 seperate houses and that he'll have to be transported back and forth from one house to the other. Will that reflect negatively in the way he's raised? And I have the uptmost trust in Eric, as a man as as the father of my child, but I wonder about him not being there emotionally for our son. He's barely there emotionally with me.

I don't know. I just think that my father turned out to be a crappy dad because his father wasn't there for him. My dad stuck by us but he made our lives hell. He still makes our lives as hellish as possible. I don't want Eric's relationship with his father to dictate how he'll be with our son. I'm so scared for him....I love him so much. And it bothers me. I'm SO MAD at his father for not being there. And cutting out something thats so important in a boy's life. And not realizing the effect that its had or trying to fix it. Not that that's remotely fixable, but to not even try? And these thoughts are biased and said in anger, but its how I feel. I'm confused about it. I don't really know how people get on without their fathers. My dad may have been a fright, and still is, but at least he was there. I can't be a dadddy for our son so I'm glad Eric will be. But will he know how? I don't even know how to be a mommy...all I've got down so far is the being pregnant part.

We'll figure it out. I hope to be married and at least in an apartment withing the next 2-3 years. I really don't want my child playing on these streets...at least the ones in my neighborhood. It stinks, there are rats, and the sidewalk is littered with shards or glass and condoms. Living in the city is not an option. Eric lives in a nice part of the city. I don't want him to be raised here.

I'll end this by saying I love my son. And even more than him, his father. Eric has been more than I could ever say to me. He's helped me through so much and put up with so much of my bullshit. He listens and offers the best advice. He's my kind of pervert and thats the best kind there is. I love him so completely and thoroughly its hard to imagine I've ever thought I was in love before. He wholly embodies my defintion of soul mate and I am more than thankful and grateful that he's entered my life. I can't imagine anyone else I'd rather start the rest of my life with. I see many years of laughter and great fun in my future and more than anything...I see him.

Oh and I'm 24 weeks pregnant, the baby weighs 1 pound 6 ounces, and my new due date is July 6th.


And these are cool as shit.