So I never did find out what type of baby we're having. I haven't completed my medical assistance paperwork(i.e bring in my birth certificate) so they can't give me an ultrasound or anything until I do. I was truly more livid than I've been in a really long time. The fact that they set up the appointment knowing I didn't bring in my certificate burned me so bad. I asked how they were even able to make a mistake like that. I got lots of apologies and reassurances but nothing the could do made me feel any better. I just knew that I was going to find out if I was having a girl or a boy and the fact that they took that away from me made me hurt. I didn't cry until I got outside. I proceeded to march through the streets of Baltimore with tears streaming down my face. I'd pull myself together to just lose it all over again halfway down the block. I don't mind looking like a crazy person though.
It wasn't just anger at the hospital though. I was mad at myself. For having lost the damn thing to begin with and subjecting myself to the agonizing torture that is waiting. Now I have to go back and set up all these damn appointments all over again. I was upset because I felt as though I had disappointed everyone that was expecting to hear what we're having. I still can't set up a baby shower. I don't know where to have it or who to invite. I don't know wtf a baby shower consists of!! Do I have to cook? Buy a cake? I thought other people set this shit up for you......*sigh*
At any rate nothing else has been going on. My aunt and grandmother bought me these 2 maternity shirts. They're....sweet. My mom is now in Virginia recovering from her brain aneurysm surgery. That was heartbreaking as well. I hate seeing my mother in pain. I went and saw her at the hospital and nearly choked on my tears at least 35 times. She looked so helpless and defeated. She says she feels great now though. A bit of pain when she puts too much pressure on the leg with the incision and an uncomfortable pressure when she pisses. I keep having these insane nightmares. The other day I had a zombie dream. I cut the head off of one and kicked it off to the side. It spun around and lunged at me. Woke me right the fuck up and I couldn't go back to sleep. And last night I had a dream that Eric and I went to the doctors and they told me that my baby didn't have a heartbeat. I cried in the dream and when I woke up my pillow was wet. Maybe that was drool but still. Creeps me out.
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