Rescheduled my ultrasound appointment. Its on Monday. Eric's coming. And again....I'm anxious.

The other day I had yet another mental breakdown. It seems like being pregnant is when the tears come the most. I'm really, really tired of crying almost every single day. Although this past time, I felt it was completely legitimate. I woke up to bills. Hospital bills. One for over $800 and the other over $2000. I've never seen a bill in my name worth that much. the one bill was no problem though, because I'm in a program at that hospital so it'll be void. I freaked about the other one though. I understand that medical assistance will take care of it. I know that I don't HAVE to worry about the expenses involving child care and prenatal care. But I do. Eric and my brother didn't seem to understand that it wasn't just the fact that I had these bills to deal with. I had this mental image that when I had kids, I'd have insurance and a house with a yard and be married and everything would be and go perfectly according to plan. Getting those bills was a brutal shove back into my reality. I'm now forced to live a way I never saw. Call it stupid, whatever. I know that rarely anything in life goes as planned. I just thought I could beat it. I have all this shit to worry about now. Like where the fuck are we going to get the money to pay for the things our child needs? As crib, a stroller, diapers, pacifiers....I couldn't even afford to buy myself a new pair of shoes when they were falling apart, HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO CARE FOR A CHILD? Its a rather rude awakening. Holding that bill in my hand....was a reminder. That I'm far from a provider.....I didn't even have the insurance to cover it. I wasn't responsible enough to take care of myself.

I hate hearing that bullshit about, "Having a baby makes you responsible.". I wanted to be responsible before I had it. To ensure my child a worry free and struggle free environment. I know that a lot of poverty stricken mothers think the same way. And yes I am quite impoverished. I make less than $8,000 a year. You can't raise children with that. And I'm sick of Eric reminding me that people will help us. We shouldn't need peoples help because I shouldn't be fucking pregnant in the first place. Not that I shouldn't per say.That we weren't ready. A good family is one that is planned. Where the parents make enough to support their child and don't have to lean on the support of others. I hate feeling indebted to others. Maybe this is just a personal struggle. I am truly happy that I get to be a mother. That I get to raise this child and teach it things a way no one else could. To love and nurture it with all of my heart, body, soul, and being. But I truly wish circumstances were different and that I were ready. I'm not.

Went to prenatal class yesterday. It was informative. I ended up being the only person who bothered to show up so me and the instructor got a lot of my concerns dealt with. I felt good being the only one there because I got one on one learning.....couldn't have asked for better.