Thursday, May 28, 2009

I Love My Boyfriend

He can be a jerk sometimes, but that's okay. I am too.

Had another stress test today. I was much more relaxed this time. And it showed. His heartbeat was fairly stable and again, the nurse said that it looked perfect. It's weird laying on the bed with these two little monitors strapped to your belly. They're just...there. I don't know. I got to listen to it for a whole 30 minutes. His heart beating. It was the most calming and euphoric sensation imaginable. I would absolutely love to be able to hear it all day. I know its beating right now as I type, but I can't hear it let alone feel it.

He's 5 pounds 4 ounces!! I can't even tell. He is big. My mom is afraid that he'll be coming out early. I can't say I'm not either. He's still head down and apparently sitting indian style. I can feel his knee pressing up into my ribcage on the left side of my body all the time. I thought I was imagining it, but the sonogramist reassured me that he was indeed doing it on purpose. Eric is a little upset because he missed the ultrasound. In my defense, I had no idea that I was going to have one or I would have told him. The nurse said she saw that it was on her chart and that I had to get it. I hadn't had one for this hospitals records. More later. I'M EATING STEAK!

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Bliggety. And All That Shit.

My NST went quite well. The nurse lady said that everything in my pregnancy was going perfectly and I definitely have enough fluids in my placenta. that's probably gross and not something anyone wants to think about. "Hey Jasmine! How's that placenta looking?!"

But yeah, he's doing great. And I found out that he's already head down. Like ready to come out and say hi. Which I'm happy about...I just don't want to see him yet. I really have a lot to do before he gets here and I don't want his first impression of me to be that I'm unorganized and that I don't get shit ready. Not that he'll ever remember this time in his life or whatever...YOU KNOW WHAT?!?! I'm entitled to my insecurities dammit.

Today was my last day of work. I think. They never officially told me that this was my last day so I have to email them and find out. I'm not looking forward to that. I don't really want the reply. I now have absolutely no source of income until at least 6 weeks after my son is born. That's damn near September. And a really long time to not have any money. I was bad enough to only be working 6 hours a week....FUCK. I'm going to get depressed if I keep talking about that.

I want to get my hair done. Maybe some cornrows. I wanted a bunch of micro-minis so that I don't have to worry about my hair until after Eric is born, but those are way too much money. I could always find some little hoodrat bitch to do it...but I want it to last and to look good. My options are very slim. I hate the way I look with cornrows. I used to have to get them for the first 13 years of my life. I grew to hate the damn things. With a passion equal only to that of my hatred for Nicolas Cage. I really, really hate him. I'll tell you what though...i'm getting very tired of my little bush. It is frustrating and much harder to maintain then you'd think. I envy the way they ake it look in the 70's but I feel for those people because upkeep is a bitch. A nostril flaring, red-eyed, AIDS contracting bitch.

This baby shower is going to be fun. I'm already very stressed about it but I know that the stree will be worth it. I will be absolutely devestated if no one comes and I'll go and live in a hole. Eric will be the only person who knows where I am and I'll only leave to go pick up my son from school.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I Feel Like A Virgin

Not like a sex virgin. I just haven't post anything in such a long time.

So....whirlwind last 11 days or so. I've been happy and sad, and various other emotions that I don't really feel like explaining. What's most important right now, is that I'm scheduled for a NST tomorrow morning. And I'm very frightened.

"A NST may be performed if:
  • You sense that the baby is not moving as frequently as usual
  • You are overdue
  • There is any reason to suspect that the placenta is not functioning adequately
  • You are high risk for any other reason
The test can indicate if the baby is not receiving enough oxygen because of placental or umbilical cord problems; it can also indicate other types of fetal distress."

They told me that I needed one on Tuesday, and I immediately called Eric to find out exactly what it was. I knew that I had pregnancy induced hypertension, but now they say its chronic. I don't get it. I know that it won't just disappear in a few weeks and that they should continue to monitor me, but when I went on Tuesday it was 120/70 and that made me feel better. That doesn't mean anything. At all.

If they find out that the baby isn't responding well to the test, they're going to schedule me for labor. Like induce me. I do not want to have this baby anytime soon. And I know that me being stressed about it will probably make it that much worse. I'm freaking myself out again. I need to just chill the fuck out.

I went to go see my old high school teacher a couple of days ago. that was nice. I fell in love with high school all over again. Well....not high school in its entirety, but my involvement in Drama Club/Stage Crew. I was President for two years. One year officially, but pretty much two years. I just loved being in her classroom and seeing all the things that used to make me so happy. That room was my escape. The one place I could go for most all of high school and just feel....right. I really haven't felt like that anywhere else in life since. As long as theater is involved, I pretty much feel at home. Anyways...she was telling me about all the horrible changes that the graduating class is making to the school this year. Not to the school itself, but they're demolishing the traditions that have been in place for over 100 years. Western is the only public all girls high school in the entire nation. And it stinks now with these hussies fucking it up. I'd go into detail, but I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who cares. Lol.

Other than that I've been feeling pretty good. Physically as well as emotionally. I got all of our invitations mailed out. I don't remember if I had posted that the baby shower was set for June 13th. It is. I'm stressing about food and favors, but what happens, happens and I'm leaving it up to fate. I'm thinking about making all my female friends wear bikinis and have a car wash. They would like friends are sluts. Yeah....I'll fill more in later. My fingers hurt and my brother is literally bitching like a pmsing whore because he can't get on line and talk to some whores. Swear to God, I'm sitting here typing this blog, and a girl sends him an IM that reads "hay". I asked him why he would talk to a girl that can't even take the time to spell a short greeting correctly. His reply? "Because she has a pussy."

You can't make this shit up folks.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Feeling Myself

And not in a perverse way.

I don't has been a pretty nice day. I started my pregnant yoga. That was nice. Of course my brother and sister laughed at me for actually doing it. I think it'll help if I keep it up. I'm determined to do it every day unless I'm in some sort of dire pain. I pretty much chilled out all day. Which was depressing because it was such a nice day out. We won't see another one of those for a couple of weeks I think. I got some laundry done....which was incredibly necessary. And I have more to do, but its really hard to lug my suitcase up and down the steps. Yes I put my clothes in a suitcase to wash them. No one will let me carry a basket. Ah well.

Might as well get to whats bothering me. Eric, my best friend Jamie, my brother and sister, and various other people I'm associated with are at this party. And that's not the whole problem. I wouldn't go to this party even if I weren't pregnant. I just feel...left out. I know that my "condition" prevents me from going out to parties and the like...but still. Everyone's gone. And I'm a little pissed because I really hate the people that are hosting the party and everyone I know and like, still associate with these heathens. i can't make them hate them, and I don't want to. It just strikes me as odd....I don't know. I really hate them. i always will. I don't know why I hold grudges so hard. Its a protective reflex I guess. When we were younger, I decided I hated this guy Junior, and I didn't talk to him for almost 2 years. That was bad because I was at his house every single weekend. Our dad's were in a band together. People either change when they know someone hates them or they become more of a dick. After I finally started talking to him again, Junior was never a dick to me again. Lessons.

I got my glasses yesterday. Sight is amazing. I could never imagine being able to see like this all the time. The doctor told me that my vision isn't even that bad, but I appreciate them damn things either way. I can see everything so clearly!! People must really take this shit for granted.

Thursday, May 7, 2009


My child is currently 4 whole pounds. He is so fat. Eric and I looked it up on today, and it said that the average weight of a baby at 31 weeks is 3.3 pounds. Oh lord. I'm literally going to be pushing a monster out. That was NOT encouraging.

I found that out yesterday at my ultrasound. Which was the best one to date. I got to see him yawn!! That probably sounds really lame but you wouldn't understand if you've never been pregnant or got a girl knocked up. I was laying there trying to tell exactly which part of his face was which and then BAM! was all clear to me. I could see his eyes and his nose and his cute lips... He's got the biggest baby lips ever. The nurse said they were the biggest she'd seen on his baby. He was asleep but the pressure she was applying on my belly woke him up. That's when he yawned. And, of course, I cried. I really couldn't help it. It was the most spectacular thing I'd ever seen. Then he moved his arm up over his face....that was amazing because I could feel it as I saw it. I wonder how women got along with thier pregnancies before the modern marvels of medicine came about. I feel so....enlightened? Overjoyed? Incredibly enthusiastically wonderously happy? I saw my child. I saw his face.

I saw his face.

We went to Target to create a baby registry today. That was fun. We went up all of the baby aisles and just kept scanning everything. We left out with 143 items on our list and got back to my house and added 2 more. Of course we don't expect to get everything on the list. Its more like a guide....something to help you know what to purchase. It sure would be nice to get that stuff though. It'd take a lot of worry off my mind. I still don't have a crib. The one I the price I want...isn't available for purchase online and isn't at any IKEA store near me. I'd have to fucking travel down to Virginia just to get it. Which at this point is looking like a good option.

I had a doctors appointment on Tuesday. And it wasn't with my normal doctor. This guy....he was not a refreshing change at all. He was scary and I think a bit rude but not because he's a rude guy. He actually struck me as a wonderful nice old grandpa kind of dude, but he had a visiting doctor with him. Some Arab dude from some Arab hospital group checking the hospital out. And I'm not being rude or ignorant...I think. He was of Arabian descent!! At any rate my replacement doctor was trying real hard to impress this dude which wasn't a good idea because I wasn't comfortable with two men I'd never seen before poking and prodding at my stomach. Like....choose your battles asshole. At any rate, he told me to wait at least 3 years before I have another baby and I asked him why. And he told me....that I should wait...because women who don't wait at least that long die earlier. The fucking die. That was the worst thing he could have told me sitting up on that damn table. I know my eyes damn near bugged out of my head. A bad visit to be sure. Otherwise, they're still concerned about my blood pressure. I am too....I want to cut salt out of my diet but it's really hard. I never even realized how much salt I actually use because I've refused to add it to my foods since my dad's kidneys failed like 7-8 years ago. But I still use it when I cook. And a lot of the foods I eat are salty by themselves.(I think I just used bad grammar.) We'll see.

I don't think I'm funny. Like I know I can crack a joke every now and then, but I'm not really a funny person. Random.....but very, very true. sex life is amazing. I just thought I'd put that out there. Not to be funny. Eric and I are literally on the phone right now talking about our awesome sex and I just thought the world should know it. I HAVE AWESOME PREGNANT SEX!

That is all.

Monday, May 4, 2009

And Just Like That....'s taken away from you. Being pregnant is probably the hardest and most tempestuous periods in a persons life. I am tired of my mood spiraling out of control CONSTANTLY.

So I'm a snitch. I'm ok with that....I think. Last week, while my parents were out of town, my little brother decided it would be ok to steal our older sisters car while she was at work. She was driving my mom's car while they were gone and left hers out front. I had no idea he was taking it every day. I would literally be sitting in the house every single day and not notice he was taking it. Eric told me he had, but I never saw it so technically, I couldn't prove anything. The next to last day of freedom, I was sitting out on the porch with my neice and watched my brother pull up in my sisters car. I hadn't even noticed it was gone off the block. I wouldn't be so upset with him if he had at least jokingly told our sister he was going to take her car. Or if he wasn't driving with an expired permitt. In a busted up 15 year old vehicle. Its like he didn't even consider the possibility of being pulled over and if he did he didn't care about what could happen to him. So I told my sister he was driving her car. And he was pissed with me. Especially since she took her key back from him. I wasn't suprised he was upset with me. i ruined his plans and his swag or whatever and I understand his frustration. What upset me was when I found out he lied to our sister and told her that i knew he had been driving it all along and that i was giving him money for gas and that the only reason I ratted him out was because he invited a person that I don't like over to the house. None of which was true. I may have fucked up his shit...but I never lied on him.

So today, he's at it again. My dad let him borrow his car to go to an orientation. At about maybe 10 this morning. He didn't come back until after 4 and hadn't called my father to let him know what was going on or why his fucking car was gone for so long. Orientations do not take that long and if they do it would be nothing but courteous to let my father know he was going to be out much longer. He says his phone died and I believe him but that doesn't mean he couldn't have found a way to let him know. This is someone's car. Thier means of transportation. You should definitely let them know what the fuck is going on with it. At any dad came downstirs all pissy because he didn't know where Jordan and his car was. I asked him why he let him take it anyway with an expired permitt. He didn't know. He had no idea that my brother's permitt was expired. Why the fuck....would you let anyone take your car without knowing for a fact their standings as far as being legally allowed to drive? They're both nitwits as far as I'm concerned.

My brother is pissed with me again. Because I let my father know he was driving illegaly. It'd be wrong of me to not let him know wouldn't it? Morally, I can't let that shit slide. If something were to happen to Jordan or to the car, my father would be at fault for allowing him to drive. Bottom line. And a person has the right to know that they're putting themselves in that situation with that responsibility. Jordan fails to realize this. I'm not trying to ruin his life I'm trying to save it. I care so much about his well-being that I don't care if he gets angry with me for trying to protect him. I don't want anyone letting his dumbass drive until he's legally able. And he can't even do it that well in my opinoin. Thats not saying much because I can't drive at all, but its still my opinion. At any rate...he booted me off the computer and he got a pissy attitude with me and I'm sad. I know its dumb...I just would like it if he understood why i snitched on him.

I think that my brother and sister are trying very hard to make me feel bad about the person that I am by constantly excluding me from thier lives. I know that they love me but I don't think they like me and that makes me so fucking sad. They think I "think funny". That I work things out weird in my brain. And that hurts because I'm just different from them, not weird. They like to insult me because they know I'll cry and I always have. You'd think that at 23 and 19 years old they'd stop harassing me but no....its worse. They just went to a Dane Cook show a few days ago. They never even asked me if I wanted to go. They go out all the time and don't think to include me. I know that I'm a read a book type of person but it'd make me feel a lot better if they at least considered asking me if I wanted to go. I don't know. I just don't fucking know. I can't even type anymore cuz I'm crying.

Who Says Happiness Is Overrated?!

Not I. Never I. I'm so fucking happy, its hard to believe I'm pregnant. I know that probably doesn't make any sense and is probably dissing my child, but I know what I mean. Oh well.

So these past 3-4 days have been extraordinarily awesome for me. I've seen Eric every single one of these days and I really think that's why they ended up being so great. And because he finally put up his full sized bed!! Now we can both fit on the bed!! Even when I wasn't pregnant that was hard to do. It was intimate of course, but uncomfortable. At any rate...I'm stalling. These past few days have been so good because I got new maternity clothes, my neighbor gave me a bag full of baby clothes AND a bassinett, and I got to spend a night with Eric. Maybe that doesn't sound like simply wonderful weekend to anyone, but it was to me.

I love spending time with Eric. I feel guilty because I'm sure I didn't feel this strongly about being with him all the time before I found out I was pregnant. I'm all clingy now. But at least I've come to see how much he's there for me. I've never had anyone...not even my best friends, be THERE for me like Eric is. Noone else. And I can tell the difference I guess. I just feel loved. And fucked. Oh Lord we've had so much sex these past few days. My pussy is tired as hell. That was vulgar but this is my blog and I can say what I want. And thats funny to think of someone's reaction when they read that. STOP THINKING ABOUT MY PUSSY YOU PERVERT!!

Eric's mom gave me some money for maternity clothes. I got 3 dresses. I wanted to get some shorts or capri's or something but we have limited maternity wear here in Baltimore. At least things that I'll wear. I'm not exactly willing to sacrafice my style for this baby. I love him and all, but no. No I'm not wearing plaid bermuda shorts or loud frilly sleevless tops. The clothes that they offer pregnant women in most places are despicable. Its like, "Oh you're pregnant so we're going to assume you no longer care about what you put on when you go outside!" Ha.
Thats one of my dresses. The other two aren't online. Oh well. I'm big on accesories making your outfit so I got a plain black dress, and a plain brown dress. The last one is blue and white and has flowers and shit on it. I'll probably wear that one to my baby shower.

The bassinett is absolutely adorable!!
Of course we have the blue gingham. I'm so damn tired of the color blue though. I hate that that's whats associated with little boys. I think hs favorite color will be orange or something. Who knows? Not I.

A few things that pissed me off happened this weekend as well, but they pale next to my happiness. I am about to have a son in 9 weeks. He could come today or tomorrow if he wants. I hope not. I'm starting to plan my hospital bag and my first diaper bag. Eric and I are finally going to go make our registry at Target on Thursday where I also plan on maybe buying some baby shower invitations. I'm getting ultra super excited about life as a new mommy. Thank God.