Call Me Mrs. Lonely

I'm so freaking bored.

I hate...more than anything in this world....being alone. Its also one of my greatest fears. Everyone just leaving me never to return again. That shit is scary. I can hardly believe its not even 11 in the morning yet and I'm by myself. And Eric doesn't wanna come see me. Eh. At least I get time to do more laundry and shit right?

I had a really big scare yesterday. One of the light bulbs in our bathroom has been out for most of this past week. It started really bothering me. Not that we needed it to be replaced immediately, but I'm used to it and it not being there made me sketchy. As many things do. But I digress. I decided to go on and replace it myself. And I got electrocuted. Well more of a shock really. I felt it go through my left arm, across my shoulders, and down my back. Then I felt kinda weak and stumbled into my brothers room and got him to finish changing it. I don't know how I got shocked. I've changed enough light bulbs in my life you know...? I wasn't even freaked out until I remembered that I'm pregnant. And I had to call Eric and he was upset with me. And lectured me about me doing things that i shouldn't while I'm carrying his child. hich I totally agree with but it's A FUCKING LIGHT BULB. I was scared. More scared than I was the day I went to the emergency room. My brother was on the internet so I couldn't look up what the effects of getting a shock while pregnant were. I had Eric do it. And it's bad. Basically, in most cases when the mother experiences a shock throughout her body, the baby dies within a few day. 71%. That's a big fucking percent. So then I really started freaking out and called the hospital to see what I should do and spoke to a midwife. She assured me that because I didn't experience a full body shock I should be just fine. She told me to drink some juice and lay down and count his movements. If he didn't move 10 times within 2 hours, she told me I needed to get to a hospital immediately.

That was the worst waiting period of my life. I was so scared....I could barely relax myself enough to feel him moving. Fortunately he moved 10 times within 10 minutes. I know Eric is really disappointed in me. I really learned a lesson. I've been trying so hard to not feel invalid, I haven't been putting my son's well-being first. I've been selfish and horribly unfair to him. I feel so bad....and I know it was a mistake and an accident and the chances of it happening were so slim that i shouldn't beat myself up over it. But you can't reall judge me until you fuck up like that. Its the worst thing I've ever done hands down. And I'm sorry. It doesn't help that I was just having an overactive day yesterday. I lugged a big huge suitcase filled with laundry up and down the steps . Stayed out running around with my niece. Cleaned up the yard. Which really, really needed to be done so I'm not too sorry about that. There was so much random trash laying around and it severly depressed me. Then I was up cooking and cleaning in the house....oh man I feel horrible about it.

Lesson learned. I'm definitely going to chill the fuck out. It doesn't help that I don't really look pregnant. Half the time I don't really feel it either. I haven't said anything about it but I've decided to stay natural!! Today i'm gonna look around for some tips on how to style this shit cuz this mini-bush is just not kicking it anymore. I am not feeling it. I already bought completely natural hair products. Like no chemicals in my shampoo or conditioner. I'm proud of myself. i've been following a routine for about 2 weeks now and I can already feel the difference. My hair has definitely gotten longer and a bit thicker. The biggest difference is that now its not like sandpaper. its soft. Its fucking soft. That is so brand new to me....and refreshing!!