This Shit Sucks

Major balls. It sucks major, major balls.

I'm on bed rest. Modified bed rest.
"Modified bed rest. With modified bed rest, you’re generally prohibited from working, driving, and doing household chores (yay!). Sitting up at your desk to surf the Web is okay (especially this site!), as is standing just long enough to make yourself a turkey sandwich or take a shower. You may even be granted one night a week to go out to a movie, as long as it doesn’t involve a long walk or any stairs. Women on modified bed rest may split their day between the couch and the bed, but going up or down stairs should be kept to a minimum."

It still sucks. Everyone keeps yelling at me to sit down and not do anything. I'm really not used to being so immobile. It hurts in all honesty. I get all stiff and swollen. At least when I'm moving around my blood is flowing and I feel better. Blah. I have to listen because doctor knows best for my child...but I don't have to like it. And I can't lift anything over 5 pounds. I don't know what I come into contact with on a daily basis thats only 5 pounds. I picked my 5 year old niece up for a kiss and got yelled at so thoroughly by my sister and mother I was almost moved to tears. Thats a lot more stressful than actually picking things up in my opinion.

Otherwise...things have been pretty lame. Eric and I got a few more things we needed off of our gift registry at Target. Most importantly...a baby monitor and baby laundry detergent. I've already done 2 super loads of baby clothes. that is ridiculous. He'snot even born yet and his wardrobe is bigger than mine. He's so spoiled. My mom got him this ADORABLE piggy bank. I'm in love with it. I wish I had a camera so I could post a picture of it. I've been splitting my time between my bedroom and Eric's. Who, by the way, finally bought a crib for the baby. He has yet to clean out the rest of his room but God bless his little heart, he's trying. I enjoy taking naps with him. Its hot as balls in his room, but after you shed a few pieces of clothing, it gets pretty comfy in there. A little too comfy maybe. We aren't supposed to be having sex. At all. But Eric is...persistent. And I've never been so constantly horny in all my life. Its really hard to do what the doctor says when the sexiest piece of man meat is laying naked less than a foot away from you. I'll live. I think.

One last thing. My dad tripped out again yesterday. Threw a bowl of milk at my sister and niece because my sister implied that he should be grateful that people do anything at all for gis miserable crippled self. She did NOT say that in those words at all, but thats what it all boild down to. Then he attacked them both with a long metal pipe that for some reason he had hidden away. He's fucking insane. All this was before 8 in the morning and it really upset me and I called Eric crying my eyes out. I went over there after I had my doctors appoitment and stayed all day in fear of returning to the dragon's lair. He's fucking insane. And all I wanted to say to him was "This is why I'm not a Jehovah's Witness anymore you raving hypocrite. You would make me ashamed of my faith."

What A Day.

Today was baby shower day. I didn't wake up excited....which should have scared me. Oh well.


I had fun! I met Eric's aunts and his cousin Brandon for the first time. I was pleased with the way the decorations came out and the food was absolutely delicious. I really appreciate Eric's grandmother for making all of that food. I know it took forever. The gifts were amazing as well. We got some stuff that we really needed. And of course, more clothes! I'm far from complaining. Everything is adorable.




We played the normal baby shower games. I got offended when we did the piece of string around your belly one. Apparently, I'm as wide around as the half ton teen in a lot of peoples eyes! Oh well. It was all in good fun. The feeding the baby game was funny. We had to pair up and have one person blindfolded and the other person fed them applesauce with a baby spoon. Eric has video of it.




That's my sister. She's skinny.





Me, me in my "hat", and Eric. He had on a shirt that said "I make good babies". I don't know who gave him that shirt....

I had a bit of a hard time being happy though. It was supposed to thunderstorm early in the day. When I went out early to go get my blood drawn and pick up a few last minute items, the sky was so dark it immediately dampened my spirits. Also, about 5 more people told me that they wouldn't be able to make it. I was really upset and I spent a good 20 minutes crying my eyes out. I wouldn't have been so upset if they hadn't waited until the day of to tell me they weren't coming. And hearing that "Oh I'm so sorry!" shit didn't help either. I don't forgive any of them. There's no reason that the day of you should be telling me that shit. Fuck them. And what made me even more upset? The girl who was supposed to be my best friend at one point....she's been telling me for weeks she was gonna be there. Like...she said she wouldn't miss it for the world. Ha. The shower was scheduled from 2-6. She showed up at 5:45 while we were taking everything down. And she had a fucking Starbucks cup in her hands which let me know that she had JUST stopped at Target to pick up my girft. And she had her "little sister" with her, who is also my friend, who for some reason thought that the baby shower was off. I had never told her that. Apparently Whitney, my supposed best friend, left her under that impression.

My whole gripe with her is that she knew it was very important to me. Granted, we've had our problems recently, but this is my first child. I'll never have another first child's baby shower. And she knows that. And it wasn't important enough to her to be there. Sure she showed up. But she missed everything. The food, the games, us opening our gifts, the music....she missed it all. And i cannot forgive her for that. At about 4 I had completely given up hope of her even showing up. So it really was a suprise when I saw her face. And she gave me this look...this...."I'm sorry, but I'm here!" look....and I wanted to kill her. I know that there were problems with getting a ride. But honestly? That should have been taken care of long before the day. And if she couldn't find a fucking ride, catch the fucking bus like Eric's friends did. They wanted to be there and they got there as soon as they could. And you know what's funny? His best friend ended up getting there at the same time. We were both pissed with our "best friends".

My true best friends showed up. Jamie was there early, she helped me set up, she took care of the games, and everyone loved her. Sabrina, dear heart that she is, came if only but for an hour or so. I love these two girls.

And you know what? Besides my family, they were the only friends of mine that showed up.

I'm not inviting anyone to our wedding.

TELL ME I'M DREAMING!!

I'm really, really, really tired right now. like as I type...I can feel my eyelids drooping and i would really like to close them. It is 10:40 PM. Early as fuck. Please keep my fatigue in mind as this blog may contain many punctuation, spelling, and grammar errors.

So Monday night is where this saga begins. I was on the toilet...yeah that's graphic but it's also the honest to God truth.....reading a book and liquid spilled out of me. I knew it wasn't pee because I didn't have to pee anymore. I was only sitting to read that book. And suddenly....it hit me.

My water had broken.

I started freaking out. I checked it...it wasn't piss. And if it's not piss, it shouldn't just be falling out of my PREGNANT vagina. Well....technically my vagina isn't pregnant, but you know what the fuck I meant so...yeah. I screamed for my mom. Like a 3 year old that gets thier toe stuck in a mouse trap. She came running, I explained my situation, and she deduced that there was no way it could have been my water. I was pretty sure though. It wasn't pee and it clearly came out of me. I told Eric(who got one of the most supreme IM curse outs because he didn't answer his phone after I called him THREE times but still managed to sign onto AIM), who found this test i could ake to see if it was my water. I had to lay down for 30 minutes with a pantiliner on to see if anything pooled up, and when I stood if something came gushing out, then I needed to go to the hospital. It didn't happen. So I was freaked out again. What the fuck fell otu of me?!?!

I knew I had a doctors appointment Tuesday morning, so I wasn't very, very worried. Eric and I went to go see him with plan laid out for the whole day. I was pretty sure my water was broken, but I was hoping it wasn't because I knew that they'd make me have the baby. It was the first thing I said to my doctor when he came in. "I think my water broke..." and he immediatly gt the tools necessary to check me.

And it was.

The litmus paper turned blue, and he saw a little ferning on my microscope thingie. I don't really know what that means, but it doesn't matter cuz that's what he saw, and that's what he said. So he said he couldn't send me home with a ruptured placenta, and that I had to go get admitted to the hospital and have my son. Like...immedatly. Eric got light-headed. That part wasn't so bad. I had calmed myself down by convincing myself that it was the day. He was supposed to be born and there was nothing I could do about it. I was pretty reserved about it. Eric literally fell out like twice. He's such a lame.

After we went out and called everyone to tell them I was indeed about to have my labor induced, I went and got checked in at the hospital. Got my room, my nurse, and settled into the whole swing of things. Until they told me that I was 36 weeks pregnant and that when I had my son they'd have to take him away for 24 hours because he was still pre-term. That cracked my facade. More so because I thought I was 37 weeks and that he'd be perfectly happy and safe and healthy. Most of the day went by without mention. they checked my cervix and I was still only 1 cm. So to induce me, they had to put this very slow cting medicine called cervidel inside of me and stick it on my uterus. It was one of the most painful things that has ever happened to my poor, poor pussy. The doctor stuck her ENTIRE HAND inside of me to put it in place. An then I found out that it would take 12 whole hours to work. its point was to soften my entire cervix so that they could begin active labor. They didn't put it in until 4 PM. So they didn't take it out until 3 AM. That shit sucked.

I forgot to mention that we had visitors! That made the day more bearable. Eugene came for a few hours and my best friend Jamie came up for about 45 minutes. She would have stayed longer but we were afraid for her to get caught in that monster ass storm so I made her leave early. Speaking of the storm!! My mom is the coolest- because he was coming on a day with such torrential rains and such powerful lightening and thunder, she decided that his nickname will be Thor. Because my mom is cooler than everyone's mom and she refrences comic book characters. She and my aunt and my grandmother(all on her side) have never called me more times in a day. Not ever i don't think. They were all so excited. I talked to quite a few people on the phone that were all happy for us. Eric's mom stopped by for a little bit. She thought I was actually going to be giving birth or something and was kinda upset I think. Eric slept throgh her visit like a horrible son. That was nice.

So yeah.....They took they the cervidel out at 3 AM and I was only 3 cm dilated. If you aren't aware, you have ti be 10 cm to be able to push. Once again...another strange woman shoved her hands up in my puss to determine this and i could feel her touching his head. He started kicking and moving like a wild boar. He was quite active the entire time actually. My nuirses, Rita and Deirdre, said he was one of the most happy babies they'd ever seen. So yeah...they tell me they're gonna put me on the pitocin at 5 AM. I'm scared cuz thats the stuff that gives you contractions. And boy let me tell you...that shit works. And it works fast. I didn't like that at all. I had contractions. They really hurt. They more in my back because I had been trying to sleep on that uncomforatable poor excuse for a bed that they provided me with. I wasn't comfortable at all last night, which explains my horrible lethargy. Whatever. They checked me again at & AM and I was still at 3 cm. I was getting pissed because the contractions were painful enough to make me want my cervix to hurry up and open so I could just have the mother fucker. Eric left sometime around 9ish to go wash his balls and dress. I freaked out about it but he made it back before 12:30 so I was fine

And thats when it happened. The midwife came in again to check my progression. She shoved her hand up in me as far as she could go. I started squealing and making odd noises(Eric laughed at me) because it hurt SO BAD. It was really, really bad. But the worse thing was her news. She said I was still barely 3 cm. And that she could feel my bag, the one that holds my "water", and that it felt tight and full.

WHAT THE FUCK.

So she leaves to talk to the head OB on duty, because it seems as though my water is NOT broken. At all. And that I have absolurtly no reason to be in labor. I was so upset. The second her and my nurse left the room, I turned to Eric and told him that if I found out that I wasn't supposed to be in this damn hospital after I'd spent all damn night there and the past few hours of my life on a drug that gave me painful contractions dor no fucking reason, I was going to froeak out.I didn't freak out....but they did tell me that I didn't have to have the baby. I was so many things at once. Happy, relieved. pissed off, disappointed...the list goes on. But I really was happy that he wasn't coming because it would have interfered with the baby shower on Saturday. That's pretty much the only plus I could think of. And now he gets a chance to develop more which is quite essential to his health and I'd be a cruel selfish horrible mother if that didn't concern me.

So yeah...I spent a night in hell for no reason. I'm glad that it happened though. They acted quickly and as best they all knew how and I appreciate them for taking care of me and Eric as throughly as they did. The staff at Maryland General is to be commended.

And People Think I'm Insane

I'm freaking out because I'm all alone in the house and the hall light came on by itself. There's no reason it should have done that. I am really afraid. I keep looking behind me....and calling out to seemingly nothing. I'm not crazy....something had to have turned the damn thing on.

I feel better. My dad's home now. He may be a dick...but he's a human dick.

That was wrong...lol.

So my stomach is constantly pointing out in odd angles. I woke up this morning and there was this huge lump on the right side of my belly. It looked like he was about to pop out through my stomach. I know thats impossible, but when you're pregnant you start to question what's actually possible anymore. Lord knows I never thought my stomach...let alone my uterus....could stretch out like this. And it doesn't hurt. i thought it would feel like an alien growing inside of you....but you actually don't feel anything at all. You see it, but you don't actually feel anything growing. It's weird as hell.

I'm absolutely positive that I'll be giving birth within the next two weeks. i will NOT make it to the 6th of July. Eric and I had sex twice today. And I feel bad because the doctor said my cervix was open and I think he's just gonna fall out of me. The first time today was nice and slow...and AMAZING. The second time, Eric was high and the sex went to his head and he pretty much forgot to take it slow. And it felt good so I didn't stop him. I feel like he's gonna hate us for that. Look...he just kicked the shit outta me. I can't believe this time has passed so fucking quickly. It seems like I just found out I was pregnant. I still don't have a crib. I need $30 and I'll be able to get it. I think I'll just break down and ask my mom. I hate having to ask her for stuff. I know she doesn't mind, but still. I'm an independent soul.

Ah well.

Oh Sweet, Sweet Sorrow

I wish I were dead a lot.

I know thats horribly morbid and not something that anyone wants to see, but I honestly feel so drained at the moment. Like life...is just the last thing I need to be worried about right now.

I should explain my feelings. I came home from a pretty damn good day. I actually was looking forward to coming home and being around my family. But my dad was in the kitchen and he had a bone to pick. I should have ran for the toilet, but I decided to indulge him. Apparently, him and one of his Witness friends (my dad is a "devout" Jehovah's Witness) had a debate over why my sister and I ended up fornicators with children even though we were raised in the "truth" and his daughter never indulged in the ever present vices that plague our world. I was shocked at his candor of course. I answered honestly...that it sucked being the ony kid that didn't get to celebrate birthdays or participate in any activities. We weren't allowed to do jack shit as children. Not allowed off the porch type of shit. And he wonders why at the first chance of change we gripped on so tightly and fervently that nothing in this world would be able to release our grasp. Nothing.

We started the normal religious debate that we get into. Blah, blah, bliggety. And then...he says he's embarassed by us. That he can't stand the fact that his daughters are pregnant and that we shame him with every breath we take. I swear to God. I didn't cry. I told him that if he wanted the honest truth, the reason I left the "truth" was because I saw how he was in it. There's no way someone that claims to have found the perfect means of life and righteousness could be so incredibly miserable. I asked him why should I want to be in a religion that leaves me feeling like that? I know he's sick, as he pointed out, but if you believe so hard and you know that God takes care of all....isn't there supposed to be a point where you give your concerns to him? I wanted to keep the conversation to religion and why I wasn't a part of what I grew up in anymore. But he had to tell me that we were the reason that he's so damn miserable. We frustrate him and, of course, shame him and disrespect him, and other random grievances. I wish I could have recorded how he came down n me. He said I was stupid and that it was all my fault that I'm where I'm at in my life right now. Which is true...but the way he said it....he went on to tell me how fucking lucky I am that he's letting me and my bastard child live in his house when he shouldn't put up one penny for his well being. Because he has absolutely no obligation to this child and who am I to raise it anyway; I didn't even have enough sense to marry the nigger that got me pregnant. I'm a horrible burden on him and his house.

And then he told me he didn't love me.

I had to walk away at that point. I had taken as much abuse from him as I possibly could and I couldn't stop the tears before I got to the steps. I had been teling myself not to cry....whatever I did....not to let him see me cry. My father told me he didn't love me. And as I went up the stairs he called out that he should be the one walking away from my fat ass. Classic. Fucking amazing.

Went to the doctors today. He says my cervix is already open. Not dilated...just open. Also, Eric and I went to the golf course and watched the sun set. It was amazingly beautiful. I appreciate him.