And that's when my world started falling apart. The physical pain was absoluetly nothing compared to the mental grief that the thought of losing this child brought. I just found out I'm pregnant and now I had to think about losing it? I've been going through countless name lists, websites filled with information on having a healthy pregnancy, changed my eating habits, STOPPED SMOKING,....and now you want to tell me I might lose it? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! So I cried. And cried and cried and cried. And I know the people in the emergency room thought that I was in dire pain and in need of serious and immediate medical care, but I didn't have it in me to reassure them or my mother that the pain I could deal with. The loss of my child....well thats another thing all together.
So we sat at waited. I was there for 6 hours. Missed the Oscars in its entirety. (I don't care about the awards. I love to see what people are wearing. The mistakes are the highlight of my day!) I hate the hospital by the way. I really truly do. I had an iv stuck in me for the first time and a lot of blood drawn.....that sucked. I had to close my eyes and hold my mothers hand. They kept asking me all these questions and I just wanted to shout "JUST TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY BABY!!" I have more self control that that though. Turns out, my baby is breech.
"A breech presentation occurs when the baby presents feet first as opposed to head first. Because a breech presentation can lead to complications during delivery, it is preferable to help the baby turn so that it is in the head first position prior to birth."
I'm not fucking happy about that.
I don't want complications. But I am grateful of the fact that I am not miscarrying and my baby is otherwise quite healthy. I also found out I am 20 weeks pregnant instead of my previously forecasted 17. I'm flippin 5 months pregnant. What the holy shitfuck. I have 4 months to get ready for this....experience.
But alas, I am not finished with my tale! So on my way home I'm happy that we're ok but stressing about only having 4 months and telling my father that I'm pregnant. Initially, he handled it better than I anticipated. I really thought I was going to be dead or put out. He just repeated my name over and over, told me I was a statistic, and that that's what happens when you play with fire. Blah bliggety. Yesterday, I'm watching my 4 year old niece when decides it would be the perfext time to shatter my confidence level and destroy my psyche. With my niece standing right there. He's pretty much the most hateful person I've ever had the displeasure of knowing. He tells me that I shouldn't tell people I'm pregnant because its not something to be proud of its something I should be ashamed of. That I'm stupid and need to thank my lucky fucking stars that he's gracious enough to let me stay in his house. That I'll be on welfare for the rest of my life. I told him that I really didn't need his negativity and he laughed at me and said that as long as I was living here I'd have to deal with it. "Or," he said with his eyes sparkling the way only a tyrants can when they're knowingly ruining lives "you can leave." I really hate him. Eric says don't let him touch the baby but I can't stop him from doing whatever it is he wants. Thats another story though.
I end up crying even more. My eyes really fucking hurt by the way. I haven't cried this much since my grandfather died. I escaped to Eric's house. Where his mother showed me all the gracious, loving-kindness I think everyone should recieve. Especially when they're pregnant. I felt doted on. She went and got me some ice cream and cake....which was delicious and much appreciated. And Eric felt our child move for the first time. I was scared at first because I thought it would scare him senseless, but he was as excited as I was. AND WE HAD SEX!! I really needed that. It was different because it was the first time since we've known I'm pregnant. It felt very technical....almost back to basics. Not to say it wasn't good.....it was amazing as usual....but it lacked passion. I guess I'll have to get used to that until we get comfortable and know which postions don't hurt me and all that shit. But I was glad I could be with him and feel like we know what we're doing and that everything will be alright. I'm so happy that he makes me so comfortable. He's still a filthy pervert but I love him.
In conclusion, I hope I have no more whirlwind days like these past 2. I'm cried out and wish I had a nice fat ass blunt to smoke. Oh well. I set up a doctors appointment at Maryland General Hospital for next Tuesday at 12. I'm, of course, nervous, but thats because I don't have my birth certificate or id. The id is in the mail though and the bc will be soon. It'll work itself out.
20 WEEKS AND COUNTING!!
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