Ah. Freedom.

I don't really have much time to do this anymore. Not that I couldn't make time to...I would just rather rest or clean something up. Babies are messy. The rest of thepeople who live here are too so that doesn't help.

Not that much has been going on in my world. And its funny because I don't think it's anything, but now that I'm actually writing about it, it seems like a bit more. I'm going to school!! Its not really school...it's like a trade school. It's called Medix and I'm going to learn to be a Medical Office Assistant. The program will end up taking over a year to complete and I start next month. I'm really nervous about it. I haven't been in a classroom setting in so fucking long...I don't even know where to start. I know that I need to go though, Now I have a son to take care of. That feels good to say.

He's amazing. He really is. Quite a handful, but amazing nonetheless. I absolutely adore him. Its freaking insane to watch him grow and develop daily. And I know that duh, it happens with every single human being on the planet, but its just surreal seeing it firsthand. Having a baby is one of the most wonderful things thats ever happened to me. I love seeing him smile, seeing him sleep, watching him breathe, and I even love it when he cries. He's so full of life.

Its not all peaches and cream. Of course...he's a fussy little prick. e's spoiled as hell. He loves to be held more than any baby I've ever been around. And God can he eat! I've figured out how to keep him from stuffing his face now...we'll see how that works out. Apparently he's huge. Whenever we take him out, people ask how old he is and are astonished when i saw 6 weeks. This past weekend I've seen like 4 jaws literally drop. He's 12 whole pounds. Or at least he was on July 31st. I saw a 5 1/2 month old at the mall that was only 15 pounds. That is kinda scary.

I'd love to sit and blog and blog and blog, but this is one of my few nights to myself and I fully intend on spoiling myself. i'm about to take a nice hot smexy bath. Peaces!!

Whoops.

I guess I'm a horrible blogger.

But that's ok because I'm a great mom. Ha.

I feel bad that i haven't really had the time or energy to get online and blog. Plus I'm always scared that I'l get really into my blog and he'll wake up and I won't finish and blah, blah, blah. So I'm gonna keep this short.

Eric and I are doing great. He's a fussy little baby but its mostly because he's gassy. My brother thinks he may be lactose intolerant and I'm starting to think so myself. It may just be the way he eats though.

And look at this shit...he's waking up. Oh well.
More when I can.

My Pussy Hurts

I'm a mommy now.

You have no idea how that feels...unless you're a mother. In that case, yeah you know what I'm talking about. It is surreal. Quite possibly the most out of this world experience you could ever think to face.

First of all...labor. That shit was rude and intense. I have never experienced such pain in all my life and pray to God I never have to endure it again. Seriously. if I get pregnant again, i'm going to request a C-section. I screamed so loud.....and what's worse is that Eric was born at 3:39 AM. Most of the other women in that ward of the hospital were sleeping and I woke them all up. I cursed loud as hell in front of my mother. That was horrible. I concentrated really hard on not doing that more than once. Eric was a doll baby through the entire process. When they held my legs up and I had to push, he was offering me the sweetest words of encouragement. I really didn't know he had it in him.

When I saw him for the first time....I don't even know if there are words to describe the emotions I was feeling. Well...relief would be first because I had just pushed a 7 pound 10 ounce baby out of my vagina. Besides that? An overwhelming sense of responsibility...pride...love and compassion...and loss. Its so odd to not have him inside of me any longer. It really feels like a part of me is missing. But now I get to see his face.

I FINALLY KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE!!

Months and months of waiting have finally paid off! He's the most handsome man child I could have ever hoped to have. He's absoluetly beautiful. I love him more than anything. And thats the scariest thing of all. To love someone so completely, so thoroughly, without the slightest hint of doubt is terrifying. Today i heard him crying and I sprinted up the steps to find out what ailed my sweet prince. Nothing at all. his fat ass was just hungry. but the second I heard him crying I HAD to be there...because I love him and he needed me. I don't know...mothers understand. But yeah...he's great. Quite the mover...he already can roll onto his side. I don't think he knows he can...but it won't take long I'm sure. His neck is super strong...he can already hold his head up for at least 10 seconds at a time. He has a bit of trouble latching onto my nipple but we're working on it. it's only been just over a week.

Oh yeah! His birthday will always be exactly 3 weeks before mine! Which means people will forget about mine but that's ok. I'm used to being ignored. Now how I'm doing? Fine I guess. Tired. My crotch really hurts...well not really but there's like a dull ache. I got like 4 seperate stiches...and none on my perinium. I ripped inside. And that's all the gory details. I'm about to go take a nap.



Oh yeah. My smexy beast.

This Shit Sucks

Major balls. It sucks major, major balls.

I'm on bed rest. Modified bed rest.
"Modified bed rest. With modified bed rest, you’re generally prohibited from working, driving, and doing household chores (yay!). Sitting up at your desk to surf the Web is okay (especially this site!), as is standing just long enough to make yourself a turkey sandwich or take a shower. You may even be granted one night a week to go out to a movie, as long as it doesn’t involve a long walk or any stairs. Women on modified bed rest may split their day between the couch and the bed, but going up or down stairs should be kept to a minimum."

It still sucks. Everyone keeps yelling at me to sit down and not do anything. I'm really not used to being so immobile. It hurts in all honesty. I get all stiff and swollen. At least when I'm moving around my blood is flowing and I feel better. Blah. I have to listen because doctor knows best for my child...but I don't have to like it. And I can't lift anything over 5 pounds. I don't know what I come into contact with on a daily basis thats only 5 pounds. I picked my 5 year old niece up for a kiss and got yelled at so thoroughly by my sister and mother I was almost moved to tears. Thats a lot more stressful than actually picking things up in my opinion.

Otherwise...things have been pretty lame. Eric and I got a few more things we needed off of our gift registry at Target. Most importantly...a baby monitor and baby laundry detergent. I've already done 2 super loads of baby clothes. that is ridiculous. He'snot even born yet and his wardrobe is bigger than mine. He's so spoiled. My mom got him this ADORABLE piggy bank. I'm in love with it. I wish I had a camera so I could post a picture of it. I've been splitting my time between my bedroom and Eric's. Who, by the way, finally bought a crib for the baby. He has yet to clean out the rest of his room but God bless his little heart, he's trying. I enjoy taking naps with him. Its hot as balls in his room, but after you shed a few pieces of clothing, it gets pretty comfy in there. A little too comfy maybe. We aren't supposed to be having sex. At all. But Eric is...persistent. And I've never been so constantly horny in all my life. Its really hard to do what the doctor says when the sexiest piece of man meat is laying naked less than a foot away from you. I'll live. I think.

One last thing. My dad tripped out again yesterday. Threw a bowl of milk at my sister and niece because my sister implied that he should be grateful that people do anything at all for gis miserable crippled self. She did NOT say that in those words at all, but thats what it all boild down to. Then he attacked them both with a long metal pipe that for some reason he had hidden away. He's fucking insane. All this was before 8 in the morning and it really upset me and I called Eric crying my eyes out. I went over there after I had my doctors appoitment and stayed all day in fear of returning to the dragon's lair. He's fucking insane. And all I wanted to say to him was "This is why I'm not a Jehovah's Witness anymore you raving hypocrite. You would make me ashamed of my faith."

What A Day.

Today was baby shower day. I didn't wake up excited....which should have scared me. Oh well.


I had fun! I met Eric's aunts and his cousin Brandon for the first time. I was pleased with the way the decorations came out and the food was absolutely delicious. I really appreciate Eric's grandmother for making all of that food. I know it took forever. The gifts were amazing as well. We got some stuff that we really needed. And of course, more clothes! I'm far from complaining. Everything is adorable.




We played the normal baby shower games. I got offended when we did the piece of string around your belly one. Apparently, I'm as wide around as the half ton teen in a lot of peoples eyes! Oh well. It was all in good fun. The feeding the baby game was funny. We had to pair up and have one person blindfolded and the other person fed them applesauce with a baby spoon. Eric has video of it.




That's my sister. She's skinny.





Me, me in my "hat", and Eric. He had on a shirt that said "I make good babies". I don't know who gave him that shirt....

I had a bit of a hard time being happy though. It was supposed to thunderstorm early in the day. When I went out early to go get my blood drawn and pick up a few last minute items, the sky was so dark it immediately dampened my spirits. Also, about 5 more people told me that they wouldn't be able to make it. I was really upset and I spent a good 20 minutes crying my eyes out. I wouldn't have been so upset if they hadn't waited until the day of to tell me they weren't coming. And hearing that "Oh I'm so sorry!" shit didn't help either. I don't forgive any of them. There's no reason that the day of you should be telling me that shit. Fuck them. And what made me even more upset? The girl who was supposed to be my best friend at one point....she's been telling me for weeks she was gonna be there. Like...she said she wouldn't miss it for the world. Ha. The shower was scheduled from 2-6. She showed up at 5:45 while we were taking everything down. And she had a fucking Starbucks cup in her hands which let me know that she had JUST stopped at Target to pick up my girft. And she had her "little sister" with her, who is also my friend, who for some reason thought that the baby shower was off. I had never told her that. Apparently Whitney, my supposed best friend, left her under that impression.

My whole gripe with her is that she knew it was very important to me. Granted, we've had our problems recently, but this is my first child. I'll never have another first child's baby shower. And she knows that. And it wasn't important enough to her to be there. Sure she showed up. But she missed everything. The food, the games, us opening our gifts, the music....she missed it all. And i cannot forgive her for that. At about 4 I had completely given up hope of her even showing up. So it really was a suprise when I saw her face. And she gave me this look...this...."I'm sorry, but I'm here!" look....and I wanted to kill her. I know that there were problems with getting a ride. But honestly? That should have been taken care of long before the day. And if she couldn't find a fucking ride, catch the fucking bus like Eric's friends did. They wanted to be there and they got there as soon as they could. And you know what's funny? His best friend ended up getting there at the same time. We were both pissed with our "best friends".

My true best friends showed up. Jamie was there early, she helped me set up, she took care of the games, and everyone loved her. Sabrina, dear heart that she is, came if only but for an hour or so. I love these two girls.

And you know what? Besides my family, they were the only friends of mine that showed up.

I'm not inviting anyone to our wedding.

TELL ME I'M DREAMING!!

I'm really, really, really tired right now. like as I type...I can feel my eyelids drooping and i would really like to close them. It is 10:40 PM. Early as fuck. Please keep my fatigue in mind as this blog may contain many punctuation, spelling, and grammar errors.

So Monday night is where this saga begins. I was on the toilet...yeah that's graphic but it's also the honest to God truth.....reading a book and liquid spilled out of me. I knew it wasn't pee because I didn't have to pee anymore. I was only sitting to read that book. And suddenly....it hit me.

My water had broken.

I started freaking out. I checked it...it wasn't piss. And if it's not piss, it shouldn't just be falling out of my PREGNANT vagina. Well....technically my vagina isn't pregnant, but you know what the fuck I meant so...yeah. I screamed for my mom. Like a 3 year old that gets thier toe stuck in a mouse trap. She came running, I explained my situation, and she deduced that there was no way it could have been my water. I was pretty sure though. It wasn't pee and it clearly came out of me. I told Eric(who got one of the most supreme IM curse outs because he didn't answer his phone after I called him THREE times but still managed to sign onto AIM), who found this test i could ake to see if it was my water. I had to lay down for 30 minutes with a pantiliner on to see if anything pooled up, and when I stood if something came gushing out, then I needed to go to the hospital. It didn't happen. So I was freaked out again. What the fuck fell otu of me?!?!

I knew I had a doctors appointment Tuesday morning, so I wasn't very, very worried. Eric and I went to go see him with plan laid out for the whole day. I was pretty sure my water was broken, but I was hoping it wasn't because I knew that they'd make me have the baby. It was the first thing I said to my doctor when he came in. "I think my water broke..." and he immediatly gt the tools necessary to check me.

And it was.

The litmus paper turned blue, and he saw a little ferning on my microscope thingie. I don't really know what that means, but it doesn't matter cuz that's what he saw, and that's what he said. So he said he couldn't send me home with a ruptured placenta, and that I had to go get admitted to the hospital and have my son. Like...immedatly. Eric got light-headed. That part wasn't so bad. I had calmed myself down by convincing myself that it was the day. He was supposed to be born and there was nothing I could do about it. I was pretty reserved about it. Eric literally fell out like twice. He's such a lame.

After we went out and called everyone to tell them I was indeed about to have my labor induced, I went and got checked in at the hospital. Got my room, my nurse, and settled into the whole swing of things. Until they told me that I was 36 weeks pregnant and that when I had my son they'd have to take him away for 24 hours because he was still pre-term. That cracked my facade. More so because I thought I was 37 weeks and that he'd be perfectly happy and safe and healthy. Most of the day went by without mention. they checked my cervix and I was still only 1 cm. So to induce me, they had to put this very slow cting medicine called cervidel inside of me and stick it on my uterus. It was one of the most painful things that has ever happened to my poor, poor pussy. The doctor stuck her ENTIRE HAND inside of me to put it in place. An then I found out that it would take 12 whole hours to work. its point was to soften my entire cervix so that they could begin active labor. They didn't put it in until 4 PM. So they didn't take it out until 3 AM. That shit sucked.

I forgot to mention that we had visitors! That made the day more bearable. Eugene came for a few hours and my best friend Jamie came up for about 45 minutes. She would have stayed longer but we were afraid for her to get caught in that monster ass storm so I made her leave early. Speaking of the storm!! My mom is the coolest- because he was coming on a day with such torrential rains and such powerful lightening and thunder, she decided that his nickname will be Thor. Because my mom is cooler than everyone's mom and she refrences comic book characters. She and my aunt and my grandmother(all on her side) have never called me more times in a day. Not ever i don't think. They were all so excited. I talked to quite a few people on the phone that were all happy for us. Eric's mom stopped by for a little bit. She thought I was actually going to be giving birth or something and was kinda upset I think. Eric slept throgh her visit like a horrible son. That was nice.

So yeah.....They took they the cervidel out at 3 AM and I was only 3 cm dilated. If you aren't aware, you have ti be 10 cm to be able to push. Once again...another strange woman shoved her hands up in my puss to determine this and i could feel her touching his head. He started kicking and moving like a wild boar. He was quite active the entire time actually. My nuirses, Rita and Deirdre, said he was one of the most happy babies they'd ever seen. So yeah...they tell me they're gonna put me on the pitocin at 5 AM. I'm scared cuz thats the stuff that gives you contractions. And boy let me tell you...that shit works. And it works fast. I didn't like that at all. I had contractions. They really hurt. They more in my back because I had been trying to sleep on that uncomforatable poor excuse for a bed that they provided me with. I wasn't comfortable at all last night, which explains my horrible lethargy. Whatever. They checked me again at & AM and I was still at 3 cm. I was getting pissed because the contractions were painful enough to make me want my cervix to hurry up and open so I could just have the mother fucker. Eric left sometime around 9ish to go wash his balls and dress. I freaked out about it but he made it back before 12:30 so I was fine

And thats when it happened. The midwife came in again to check my progression. She shoved her hand up in me as far as she could go. I started squealing and making odd noises(Eric laughed at me) because it hurt SO BAD. It was really, really bad. But the worse thing was her news. She said I was still barely 3 cm. And that she could feel my bag, the one that holds my "water", and that it felt tight and full.

WHAT THE FUCK.

So she leaves to talk to the head OB on duty, because it seems as though my water is NOT broken. At all. And that I have absolurtly no reason to be in labor. I was so upset. The second her and my nurse left the room, I turned to Eric and told him that if I found out that I wasn't supposed to be in this damn hospital after I'd spent all damn night there and the past few hours of my life on a drug that gave me painful contractions dor no fucking reason, I was going to froeak out.I didn't freak out....but they did tell me that I didn't have to have the baby. I was so many things at once. Happy, relieved. pissed off, disappointed...the list goes on. But I really was happy that he wasn't coming because it would have interfered with the baby shower on Saturday. That's pretty much the only plus I could think of. And now he gets a chance to develop more which is quite essential to his health and I'd be a cruel selfish horrible mother if that didn't concern me.

So yeah...I spent a night in hell for no reason. I'm glad that it happened though. They acted quickly and as best they all knew how and I appreciate them for taking care of me and Eric as throughly as they did. The staff at Maryland General is to be commended.

And People Think I'm Insane

I'm freaking out because I'm all alone in the house and the hall light came on by itself. There's no reason it should have done that. I am really afraid. I keep looking behind me....and calling out to seemingly nothing. I'm not crazy....something had to have turned the damn thing on.

I feel better. My dad's home now. He may be a dick...but he's a human dick.

That was wrong...lol.

So my stomach is constantly pointing out in odd angles. I woke up this morning and there was this huge lump on the right side of my belly. It looked like he was about to pop out through my stomach. I know thats impossible, but when you're pregnant you start to question what's actually possible anymore. Lord knows I never thought my stomach...let alone my uterus....could stretch out like this. And it doesn't hurt. i thought it would feel like an alien growing inside of you....but you actually don't feel anything at all. You see it, but you don't actually feel anything growing. It's weird as hell.

I'm absolutely positive that I'll be giving birth within the next two weeks. i will NOT make it to the 6th of July. Eric and I had sex twice today. And I feel bad because the doctor said my cervix was open and I think he's just gonna fall out of me. The first time today was nice and slow...and AMAZING. The second time, Eric was high and the sex went to his head and he pretty much forgot to take it slow. And it felt good so I didn't stop him. I feel like he's gonna hate us for that. Look...he just kicked the shit outta me. I can't believe this time has passed so fucking quickly. It seems like I just found out I was pregnant. I still don't have a crib. I need $30 and I'll be able to get it. I think I'll just break down and ask my mom. I hate having to ask her for stuff. I know she doesn't mind, but still. I'm an independent soul.

Ah well.

Oh Sweet, Sweet Sorrow

I wish I were dead a lot.

I know thats horribly morbid and not something that anyone wants to see, but I honestly feel so drained at the moment. Like life...is just the last thing I need to be worried about right now.

I should explain my feelings. I came home from a pretty damn good day. I actually was looking forward to coming home and being around my family. But my dad was in the kitchen and he had a bone to pick. I should have ran for the toilet, but I decided to indulge him. Apparently, him and one of his Witness friends (my dad is a "devout" Jehovah's Witness) had a debate over why my sister and I ended up fornicators with children even though we were raised in the "truth" and his daughter never indulged in the ever present vices that plague our world. I was shocked at his candor of course. I answered honestly...that it sucked being the ony kid that didn't get to celebrate birthdays or participate in any activities. We weren't allowed to do jack shit as children. Not allowed off the porch type of shit. And he wonders why at the first chance of change we gripped on so tightly and fervently that nothing in this world would be able to release our grasp. Nothing.

We started the normal religious debate that we get into. Blah, blah, bliggety. And then...he says he's embarassed by us. That he can't stand the fact that his daughters are pregnant and that we shame him with every breath we take. I swear to God. I didn't cry. I told him that if he wanted the honest truth, the reason I left the "truth" was because I saw how he was in it. There's no way someone that claims to have found the perfect means of life and righteousness could be so incredibly miserable. I asked him why should I want to be in a religion that leaves me feeling like that? I know he's sick, as he pointed out, but if you believe so hard and you know that God takes care of all....isn't there supposed to be a point where you give your concerns to him? I wanted to keep the conversation to religion and why I wasn't a part of what I grew up in anymore. But he had to tell me that we were the reason that he's so damn miserable. We frustrate him and, of course, shame him and disrespect him, and other random grievances. I wish I could have recorded how he came down n me. He said I was stupid and that it was all my fault that I'm where I'm at in my life right now. Which is true...but the way he said it....he went on to tell me how fucking lucky I am that he's letting me and my bastard child live in his house when he shouldn't put up one penny for his well being. Because he has absolutely no obligation to this child and who am I to raise it anyway; I didn't even have enough sense to marry the nigger that got me pregnant. I'm a horrible burden on him and his house.

And then he told me he didn't love me.

I had to walk away at that point. I had taken as much abuse from him as I possibly could and I couldn't stop the tears before I got to the steps. I had been teling myself not to cry....whatever I did....not to let him see me cry. My father told me he didn't love me. And as I went up the stairs he called out that he should be the one walking away from my fat ass. Classic. Fucking amazing.

Went to the doctors today. He says my cervix is already open. Not dilated...just open. Also, Eric and I went to the golf course and watched the sun set. It was amazingly beautiful. I appreciate him.

I Love My Boyfriend

He can be a jerk sometimes, but that's okay. I am too.

Had another stress test today. I was much more relaxed this time. And it showed. His heartbeat was fairly stable and again, the nurse said that it looked perfect. It's weird laying on the bed with these two little monitors strapped to your belly. They're just...there. I don't know. I got to listen to it for a whole 30 minutes. His heart beating. It was the most calming and euphoric sensation imaginable. I would absolutely love to be able to hear it all day. I know its beating right now as I type, but I can't hear it let alone feel it.

He's 5 pounds 4 ounces!! I can't even tell. He is big. My mom is afraid that he'll be coming out early. I can't say I'm not either. He's still head down and apparently sitting indian style. I can feel his knee pressing up into my ribcage on the left side of my body all the time. I thought I was imagining it, but the sonogramist reassured me that he was indeed doing it on purpose. Eric is a little upset because he missed the ultrasound. In my defense, I had no idea that I was going to have one or I would have told him. The nurse said she saw that it was on her chart and that I had to get it. I hadn't had one for this hospitals records. More later. I'M EATING STEAK!

Bliggety. And All That Shit.

My NST went quite well. The nurse lady said that everything in my pregnancy was going perfectly and I definitely have enough fluids in my placenta. that's probably gross and not something anyone wants to think about. "Hey Jasmine! How's that placenta looking?!"

Yeah....no.

But yeah, he's doing great. And I found out that he's already head down. Like ready to come out and say hi. Which I'm happy about...I just don't want to see him yet. I really have a lot to do before he gets here and I don't want his first impression of me to be that I'm unorganized and that I don't get shit ready. Not that he'll ever remember this time in his life or whatever...YOU KNOW WHAT?!?! I'm entitled to my insecurities dammit.

Today was my last day of work. I think. They never officially told me that this was my last day so I have to email them and find out. I'm not looking forward to that. I don't really want the reply. I now have absolutely no source of income until at least 6 weeks after my son is born. That's damn near September. And a really long time to not have any money. I mean....it was bad enough to only be working 6 hours a week....FUCK. I'm going to get depressed if I keep talking about that.

I want to get my hair done. Maybe some cornrows. I wanted a bunch of micro-minis so that I don't have to worry about my hair until after Eric is born, but those are way too much money. I could always find some little hoodrat bitch to do it...but I want it to last and to look good. My options are very slim. I hate the way I look with cornrows. I used to have to get them for the first 13 years of my life. I grew to hate the damn things. With a passion equal only to that of my hatred for Nicolas Cage. I really, really hate him. I'll tell you what though...i'm getting very tired of my little bush. It is frustrating and much harder to maintain then you'd think. I envy the way they ake it look in the 70's but I feel for those people because upkeep is a bitch. A nostril flaring, red-eyed, AIDS contracting bitch.

This baby shower is going to be fun. I'm already very stressed about it but I know that the stree will be worth it. I will be absolutely devestated if no one comes and I'll go and live in a hole. Eric will be the only person who knows where I am and I'll only leave to go pick up my son from school.

I Feel Like A Virgin

Not like a sex virgin. I just haven't post anything in such a long time.

So....whirlwind last 11 days or so. I've been happy and sad, and various other emotions that I don't really feel like explaining. What's most important right now, is that I'm scheduled for a NST tomorrow morning. And I'm very frightened.

"A NST may be performed if:

• You sense that the baby is not moving as frequently as usual
• You are overdue
• There is any reason to suspect that the placenta is not functioning adequately
• You are high risk for any other reason

The test can indicate if the baby is not receiving enough oxygen because of placental or umbilical cord problems; it can also indicate other types of fetal distress."

They told me that I needed one on Tuesday, and I immediately called Eric to find out exactly what it was. I knew that I had pregnancy induced hypertension, but now they say its chronic. I don't get it. I know that it won't just disappear in a few weeks and that they should continue to monitor me, but when I went on Tuesday it was 120/70 and that made me feel better. That doesn't mean anything. At all.

If they find out that the baby isn't responding well to the test, they're going to schedule me for labor. Like induce me. I do not want to have this baby anytime soon. And I know that me being stressed about it will probably make it that much worse. I'm freaking myself out again. I need to just chill the fuck out.

I went to go see my old high school teacher a couple of days ago. that was nice. I fell in love with high school all over again. Well....not high school in its entirety, but my involvement in Drama Club/Stage Crew. I was President for two years. One year officially, but pretty much two years. I just loved being in her classroom and seeing all the things that used to make me so happy. That room was my escape. The one place I could go for most all of high school and just feel....right. I really haven't felt like that anywhere else in life since. As long as theater is involved, I pretty much feel at home. Anyways...she was telling me about all the horrible changes that the graduating class is making to the school this year. Not to the school itself, but they're demolishing the traditions that have been in place for over 100 years. Western is the only public all girls high school in the entire nation. And it stinks now with these hussies fucking it up. I'd go into detail, but I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who cares. Lol.

Other than that I've been feeling pretty good. Physically as well as emotionally. I got all of our invitations mailed out. I don't remember if I had posted that the baby shower was set for June 13th. It is. I'm stressing about food and favors, but what happens, happens and I'm leaving it up to fate. I'm thinking about making all my female friends wear bikinis and have a car wash. They would like that....my friends are sluts. Yeah....I'll fill more in later. My fingers hurt and my brother is literally bitching like a pmsing whore because he can't get on line and talk to some whores. Swear to God, I'm sitting here typing this blog, and a girl sends him an IM that reads "hay". I asked him why he would talk to a girl that can't even take the time to spell a short greeting correctly. His reply? "Because she has a pussy."

You can't make this shit up folks.

Feeling Myself

And not in a perverse way.

I don't know....today has been a pretty nice day. I started my pregnant yoga. That was nice. Of course my brother and sister laughed at me for actually doing it. I think it'll help if I keep it up. I'm determined to do it every day unless I'm in some sort of dire pain. I pretty much chilled out all day. Which was depressing because it was such a nice day out. We won't see another one of those for a couple of weeks I think. I got some laundry done....which was incredibly necessary. And I have more to do, but its really hard to lug my suitcase up and down the steps. Yes I put my clothes in a suitcase to wash them. No one will let me carry a basket. Ah well.

Might as well get to whats bothering me. Eric, my best friend Jamie, my brother and sister, and various other people I'm associated with are at this party. And that's not the whole problem. I wouldn't go to this party even if I weren't pregnant. I just feel...left out. I know that my "condition" prevents me from going out to parties and the like...but still. Everyone's gone. And I'm a little pissed because I really hate the people that are hosting the party and everyone I know and like, still associate with these heathens. i can't make them hate them, and I don't want to. It just strikes me as odd....I don't know. I really hate them. i always will. I don't know why I hold grudges so hard. Its a protective reflex I guess. When we were younger, I decided I hated this guy Junior, and I didn't talk to him for almost 2 years. That was bad because I was at his house every single weekend. Our dad's were in a band together. People either change when they know someone hates them or they become more of a dick. After I finally started talking to him again, Junior was never a dick to me again. Lessons.

I got my glasses yesterday. Sight is amazing. I could never imagine being able to see like this all the time. The doctor told me that my vision isn't even that bad, but I appreciate them damn things either way. I can see everything so clearly!! People must really take this shit for granted.

Godzilla

My child is currently 4 whole pounds. He is so fat. Eric and I looked it up on babycenter.com today, and it said that the average weight of a baby at 31 weeks is 3.3 pounds. Oh lord. I'm literally going to be pushing a monster out. That was NOT encouraging.

I found that out yesterday at my ultrasound. Which was the best one to date. I got to see him yawn!! That probably sounds really lame but you wouldn't understand if you've never been pregnant or got a girl knocked up. I was laying there trying to tell exactly which part of his face was which and then BAM!...it was all clear to me. I could see his eyes and his nose and his cute lips... He's got the biggest baby lips ever. The nurse said they were the biggest she'd seen on his baby. He was asleep but the pressure she was applying on my belly woke him up. That's when he yawned. And, of course, I cried. I really couldn't help it. It was the most spectacular thing I'd ever seen. Then he moved his arm up over his face....that was amazing because I could feel it as I saw it. I wonder how women got along with thier pregnancies before the modern marvels of medicine came about. I feel so....enlightened? Overjoyed? Incredibly enthusiastically wonderously happy? I saw my child. I saw his face.

I saw his face.

We went to Target to create a baby registry today. That was fun. We went up all of the baby aisles and just kept scanning everything. We left out with 143 items on our list and got back to my house and added 2 more. Of course we don't expect to get everything on the list. Its more like a guide....something to help you know what to purchase. It sure would be nice to get that stuff though. It'd take a lot of worry off my mind. I still don't have a crib. The one I want...at the price I want...isn't available for purchase online and isn't at any IKEA store near me. I'd have to fucking travel down to Virginia just to get it. Which at this point is looking like a good option.

I had a doctors appointment on Tuesday. And it wasn't with my normal doctor. This guy....he was not a refreshing change at all. He was scary and I think a bit rude but not because he's a rude guy. He actually struck me as a wonderful nice old grandpa kind of dude, but he had a visiting doctor with him. Some Arab dude from some Arab hospital group checking the hospital out. And I'm not being rude or ignorant...I think. He was of Arabian descent!! At any rate my replacement doctor was trying real hard to impress this dude which wasn't a good idea because I wasn't comfortable with two men I'd never seen before poking and prodding at my stomach. Like....choose your battles asshole. At any rate, he told me to wait at least 3 years before I have another baby and I asked him why. And he told me....that I should wait...because women who don't wait at least that long die earlier. The fucking die. That was the worst thing he could have told me sitting up on that damn table. I know my eyes damn near bugged out of my head. A bad visit to be sure. Otherwise, they're still concerned about my blood pressure. I am too....I want to cut salt out of my diet but it's really hard. I never even realized how much salt I actually use because I've refused to add it to my foods since my dad's kidneys failed like 7-8 years ago. But I still use it when I cook. And a lot of the foods I eat are salty by themselves.(I think I just used bad grammar.) We'll see.

I don't think I'm funny. Like I know I can crack a joke every now and then, but I'm not really a funny person. Random.....but very, very true. Also...my sex life is amazing. I just thought I'd put that out there. Not to be funny. Eric and I are literally on the phone right now talking about our awesome sex and I just thought the world should know it. I HAVE AWESOME PREGNANT SEX!

That is all.

And Just Like That....

...it's taken away from you. Being pregnant is probably the hardest and most tempestuous periods in a persons life. I am tired of my mood spiraling out of control CONSTANTLY.

So I'm a snitch. I'm ok with that....I think. Last week, while my parents were out of town, my little brother decided it would be ok to steal our older sisters car while she was at work. She was driving my mom's car while they were gone and left hers out front. I had no idea he was taking it every day. I would literally be sitting in the house every single day and not notice he was taking it. Eric told me he had, but I never saw it so technically, I couldn't prove anything. The next to last day of freedom, I was sitting out on the porch with my neice and watched my brother pull up in my sisters car. I hadn't even noticed it was gone off the block. I wouldn't be so upset with him if he had at least jokingly told our sister he was going to take her car. Or if he wasn't driving with an expired permitt. In a busted up 15 year old vehicle. Its like he didn't even consider the possibility of being pulled over and if he did he didn't care about what could happen to him. So I told my sister he was driving her car. And he was pissed with me. Especially since she took her key back from him. I wasn't suprised he was upset with me. i ruined his plans and his swag or whatever and I understand his frustration. What upset me was when I found out he lied to our sister and told her that i knew he had been driving it all along and that i was giving him money for gas and that the only reason I ratted him out was because he invited a person that I don't like over to the house. None of which was true. I may have fucked up his shit...but I never lied on him.

So today, he's at it again. My dad let him borrow his car to go to an orientation. At about maybe 10 this morning. He didn't come back until after 4 and hadn't called my father to let him know what was going on or why his fucking car was gone for so long. Orientations do not take that long and if they do it would be nothing but courteous to let my father know he was going to be out much longer. He says his phone died and I believe him but that doesn't mean he couldn't have found a way to let him know. This is someone's car. Thier means of transportation. You should definitely let them know what the fuck is going on with it. At any rate...my dad came downstirs all pissy because he didn't know where Jordan and his car was. I asked him why he let him take it anyway with an expired permitt. He didn't know. He had no idea that my brother's permitt was expired. Why the fuck....would you let anyone take your car without knowing for a fact their standings as far as being legally allowed to drive? They're both nitwits as far as I'm concerned.

My brother is pissed with me again. Because I let my father know he was driving illegaly. It'd be wrong of me to not let him know wouldn't it? Morally, I can't let that shit slide. If something were to happen to Jordan or to the car, my father would be at fault for allowing him to drive. Bottom line. And a person has the right to know that they're putting themselves in that situation with that responsibility. Jordan fails to realize this. I'm not trying to ruin his life I'm trying to save it. I care so much about his well-being that I don't care if he gets angry with me for trying to protect him. I don't want anyone letting his dumbass drive until he's legally able. And he can't even do it that well in my opinoin. Thats not saying much because I can't drive at all, but its still my opinion. At any rate...he booted me off the computer and he got a pissy attitude with me and I'm sad. I know its dumb...I just would like it if he understood why i snitched on him.

I think that my brother and sister are trying very hard to make me feel bad about the person that I am by constantly excluding me from thier lives. I know that they love me but I don't think they like me and that makes me so fucking sad. They think I "think funny". That I work things out weird in my brain. And that hurts because I'm just different from them, not weird. They like to insult me because they know I'll cry and I always have. You'd think that at 23 and 19 years old they'd stop harassing me but no....its worse. They just went to a Dane Cook show a few days ago. They never even asked me if I wanted to go. They go out all the time and don't think to include me. I know that I'm a read a book type of person but it'd make me feel a lot better if they at least considered asking me if I wanted to go. I don't know. I just don't fucking know. I can't even type anymore cuz I'm crying.

Who Says Happiness Is Overrated?!

Not I. Never I. I'm so fucking happy, its hard to believe I'm pregnant. I know that probably doesn't make any sense and is probably dissing my child, but I know what I mean. Oh well.

So these past 3-4 days have been extraordinarily awesome for me. I've seen Eric every single one of these days and I really think that's why they ended up being so great. And because he finally put up his full sized bed!! Now we can both fit on the bed!! Even when I wasn't pregnant that was hard to do. It was intimate of course, but uncomfortable. At any rate...I'm stalling. These past few days have been so good because I got new maternity clothes, my neighbor gave me a bag full of baby clothes AND a bassinett, and I got to spend a night with Eric. Maybe that doesn't sound like simply wonderful weekend to anyone, but it was to me.

I love spending time with Eric. I feel guilty because I'm sure I didn't feel this strongly about being with him all the time before I found out I was pregnant. I'm all clingy now. But at least I've come to see how much he's there for me. I've never had anyone...not even my best friends, be THERE for me like Eric is. Noone else. And I can tell the difference I guess. I just feel loved. And fucked. Oh Lord we've had so much sex these past few days. My pussy is tired as hell. That was vulgar but this is my blog and I can say what I want. And thats funny to think of someone's reaction when they read that. STOP THINKING ABOUT MY PUSSY YOU PERVERT!!

Eric's mom gave me some money for maternity clothes. I got 3 dresses. I wanted to get some shorts or capri's or something but we have limited maternity wear here in Baltimore. At least things that I'll wear. I'm not exactly willing to sacrafice my style for this baby. I love him and all, but no. No I'm not wearing plaid bermuda shorts or loud frilly sleevless tops. The clothes that they offer pregnant women in most places are despicable. Its like, "Oh you're pregnant so we're going to assume you no longer care about what you put on when you go outside!" Ha.

Thats one of my dresses. The other two aren't online. Oh well. I'm big on accesories making your outfit so I got a plain black dress, and a plain brown dress. The last one is blue and white and has flowers and shit on it. I'll probably wear that one to my baby shower.

The bassinett is absolutely adorable!!

Of course we have the blue gingham. I'm so damn tired of the color blue though. I hate that that's whats associated with little boys. I think hs favorite color will be orange or something. Who knows? Not I.

A few things that pissed me off happened this weekend as well, but they pale next to my happiness. I am about to have a son in 9 weeks. He could come today or tomorrow if he wants. I hope not. I'm starting to plan my hospital bag and my first diaper bag. Eric and I are finally going to go make our registry at Target on Thursday where I also plan on maybe buying some baby shower invitations. I'm getting ultra super excited about life as a new mommy. Thank God.

Of Mice and Men

This is proving to be the most infuriating call for patience that I've ever been forced to endure. Pregnancy is not at all what I thought it was going to be. At all, at all, at all.

These past few days I've been feeling a little sick. Like nauseous sick. I'm convinced that its the heat thats making me feel like this but that doesn't make me like any more. I know I wanted it to be hot and blah blah blah, but I hate feeling like I'm going to throw up constantly. It has also come to my attention that carryig my son has become more painful. Its like he is finding all the most horrible places in my belly to rest. I try not to move or wake him unless its absolutely unbearable. Which is hard to do because no matter what its uncomfortable as fuck and I'm a stickler for comfort.

I've gained a total of 60 pounds since I've been pregnant. I am so discouraged. I know that weight gain comes with it and all that shit but I worked SO HARD last year to lose all that damn weight and its back. So I have to do it all over again. I tell you what...this baby better be damn attractive. Not in an incest type of way, but for alll this trouble he better be a cute baby. And be a millionaire when gets older. I'm charging him with this duty now. Eric is being a trooper about my incessant complaining due to weight. I really can't help it. I look in the mirror and its just not what i want to see. Who can be happy when faced with that?!? NO ONE. I'm glad he's putting up with me though. I can be quite the bitch.

Also my mother made me slightly upset this morning. I have horrible eyesight. This is known. I'm perfectly fine with it. I really really really hate glasses. Any pair I've ever had made me look horrible. Its hard to find a frame that looks good on a perfectly round face. Well rectangle ones but thats not my sole point. She's(my mother) paying for me and my brother to get an exam and new glasses. I'm grateful. I really truly am. But I don't want them. At all. I hate glasses. Put that on top of the fact that i already feel fat and ugly and useless and glasses do not add anything great to the equation. But I have to get them. I'm gonna cry again when I get there and see the hideous frames I have to choose from. OMG I HATE BEING POOR.

Call Me Mrs. Lonely

I'm so freaking bored.

I hate...more than anything in this world....being alone. Its also one of my greatest fears. Everyone just leaving me never to return again. That shit is scary. I can hardly believe its not even 11 in the morning yet and I'm by myself. And Eric doesn't wanna come see me. Eh. At least I get time to do more laundry and shit right?

I had a really big scare yesterday. One of the light bulbs in our bathroom has been out for most of this past week. It started really bothering me. Not that we needed it to be replaced immediately, but I'm used to it and it not being there made me sketchy. As many things do. But I digress. I decided to go on and replace it myself. And I got electrocuted. Well more of a shock really. I felt it go through my left arm, across my shoulders, and down my back. Then I felt kinda weak and stumbled into my brothers room and got him to finish changing it. I don't know how I got shocked. I've changed enough light bulbs in my life you know...? I wasn't even freaked out until I remembered that I'm pregnant. And I had to call Eric and he was upset with me. And lectured me about me doing things that i shouldn't while I'm carrying his child. hich I totally agree with but it's A FUCKING LIGHT BULB. I was scared. More scared than I was the day I went to the emergency room. My brother was on the internet so I couldn't look up what the effects of getting a shock while pregnant were. I had Eric do it. And it's bad. Basically, in most cases when the mother experiences a shock throughout her body, the baby dies within a few day. 71%. That's a big fucking percent. So then I really started freaking out and called the hospital to see what I should do and spoke to a midwife. She assured me that because I didn't experience a full body shock I should be just fine. She told me to drink some juice and lay down and count his movements. If he didn't move 10 times within 2 hours, she told me I needed to get to a hospital immediately.

That was the worst waiting period of my life. I was so scared....I could barely relax myself enough to feel him moving. Fortunately he moved 10 times within 10 minutes. I know Eric is really disappointed in me. I really learned a lesson. I've been trying so hard to not feel invalid, I haven't been putting my son's well-being first. I've been selfish and horribly unfair to him. I feel so bad....and I know it was a mistake and an accident and the chances of it happening were so slim that i shouldn't beat myself up over it. But you can't reall judge me until you fuck up like that. Its the worst thing I've ever done hands down. And I'm sorry. It doesn't help that I was just having an overactive day yesterday. I lugged a big huge suitcase filled with laundry up and down the steps . Stayed out running around with my niece. Cleaned up the yard. Which really, really needed to be done so I'm not too sorry about that. There was so much random trash laying around and it severly depressed me. Then I was up cooking and cleaning in the house....oh man I feel horrible about it.

Lesson learned. I'm definitely going to chill the fuck out. It doesn't help that I don't really look pregnant. Half the time I don't really feel it either. I haven't said anything about it but I've decided to stay natural!! Today i'm gonna look around for some tips on how to style this shit cuz this mini-bush is just not kicking it anymore. I am not feeling it. I already bought completely natural hair products. Like no chemicals in my shampoo or conditioner. I'm proud of myself. i've been following a routine for about 2 weeks now and I can already feel the difference. My hair has definitely gotten longer and a bit thicker. The biggest difference is that now its not like sandpaper. its soft. Its fucking soft. That is so brand new to me....and refreshing!!

Oh Ma Jesus

I had jury duty today. It was the lamest and most horrible experience of my life to date. And that's saying something cuz I've been through some shit. Not anything particularly horrifying, don't worry, just pretty bad. It was really bad though. I despise waking up early and I had to be there at 8:15. Who the fuck is doing anything at 8:15 in the morning?!? I mean after they graduate high school anyways? Well...I guess some people are doing important things...but I'm not one of them so I feel victimized. Little Eric enjoyed it though. He was incredibly active today. I put the headphones on my belly while I was sitting in the abysmal jury waiting room, and I'll be damned if he didn't start dancing. He's not even born yet and my child can dance. I could actually feel him positioning his head to get closer to the music and then just a jumping around. It was one of the sweetest, most beautiful things I've ever had the pleasure of witnessing. And I'm glad it happened while I was bored out of my fucking skull.

He's been moving a lot lately while I'm walking. I know before I was worried about him moving around too much, but at least then I was sitting down. Now he kicks and punches while I'm walking and it hurts. Like...the other day I was walking my niece home from school and everything was fine and normal and then BAM!! he moved onto a nerve or something and I was literally doubled over in the street in pain. My niece, the most wise toddler I know, looked up at me and said "He was kicking you again wasn't he? I told him to stop hurting you so bad but he don't listen." That was cute. Laughter hurt though. I think the pain comes from walking too fast. I really hate walking slow though. Unless I'm already tired that is. I have always kept my pace pretty quick....this child is attempting to ruin that shit. Oh yeah and I'm fucking 212 pounds. I keep gaining so much weight. And I know I should really start watching how I eat but I can't. Like all of a sudden, I NEED STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM. I can't explain it in anymore detail. I just do. And I get it. I think in the past 3 weeks I've been through 2 gallons. What. the. fuck.

In lighter news, I got hit on today. That was refreshing. I was dancing in the aisle at fye, and this dude(who was in no way shape or form attractive in my opinion) said something about it and then asked my name. I told him I was 7 months pregnant and he jumped back with his arms held up. That was funny. Swollen bellies are apparently tres intimidating. Oh well. I feel pretty. Thats what really matters. I'm gonna sleep good tonight....at least I can count on that

I'm Such A Douche

I feel horrible because I haven't blogged in a while. Our internet fucks up so easily its hard to get on this bitch. Plus its not the house computer...it's my brother's and he's a supreme dickwash bag so yeah....

Not much going on for me. MY PARENTS LEFT TOWN FOR THE WEEK!! That makes me so fucking happy! Eric's spending a night....Saturday night. I feel like such a housewife. I'm cooking him dinner and on Sunday morning I plan on making him a breakfast feast. If that doesn't make him want to marry me I don't know what will. That was a joke. I'm pretty sure he wants to marry me regardless of my cooking abilities. My mom has been teaching me more cooking techniques since she's been home recovering from her surgery, and I must say that I'm sure I've gotten much better. I've always cooked. My sister can't for shit so most nights it was my responsibility to make sure we had something to put in out bellies. Plus now's the time to start practicing because soon I'm going to be cooking for 3 on a regular basis. I hope.

I actually got my tax refund check the day I wrote about it. I have yet to the crib though. My friend was supposed to take me but shit fell through...blah, blah, blah. I put the money aside so I can't spend it. It's gonna be from Ikea and it's absolutely adorable. I'm falling in love with all of my baby furniture and shit. I'm just excited. I cannot however, wait for this little motherfucker to exit my womb post haste. He has started kicking with a vengance it seems. And I'm like "Well damn, if you wanna get out that bad, be my guest." In all actuality at 28 weeks, he could survive. Its far from recommended but it's doable. I'm in my third trimester!! Wtf?! That happened very quickly. I now have approx 12 weeks until I give birth. i'm so fucking scared.....i've been watching waaaaay too many discovery channel shows on giving birth and shit. Those women look and sound like death. I can't even think of another word or phrase to use to describe it. If contractions are that bad...I don't know. I'm going to kill Eric. He thinks he can get away unscathed....HA.

In other news....I cleaned my room the other day. Getting ready and making space. I happened upon a virtual treasure trove. Found all of my shit from high school that I had completely forgotten about. My scrapbook, my jopurnal, a few pieces of jewelry of mild significance, and random other shit I held onto. I felt so old looking at it all. Like I graduated more than 4 years ago....ha. And I got a new phone. Which is more shitty and horrible than the one I had before but at least it works. I think it started fucking up because I told it I hate it. Which I do. It's so ugly. It doesn't do anything and its so boring and plain and not my stylo(which is French for pen but we'll overlook that for the moment). I'm supposed to be re-learning French actually. My dad says he has a speak French program and I'm excited to begin. i love the French language and I think it'd be cool as shit if I could teach it to my son. He'd be booking mad bitches mad early. Which isn't a good thing but oh well.

All Hail Me!!

That was a joke.

We got a stroller!! The only thing that's wrong with it is this hole on the umbrella part up top, but I'm just gonna put some duct tape on that bitch and call it a day. One of my neighbors gave it to me. It had belonged to her daughter who got a new one for her second son. Its cute as a button!! its also reportedly expensive as fuck. Me and my mom have to go and try to find a car seat to fit with it as well. My neighbor also gave me a used diaper genie. I don't give a shit if its used. The mother fucker works and I'm happy as shit cuz thats literally about $200 she saved me. I wanted to wash and kiss her feet. Not cuz I think they're dirty....you know how that thing goes....back in biblical times....whatever.

My mother is going a bit baby crazy. We went to Target and she bought all this wall decor stuff. Which I am so grateful for but I let her know we didn't need it. She doesn't care. So the theme has changed from tropical fish and such to animals. Cuz that's what all the decor is. Its so cute!! I got a wall border and lots of stick-up letters and pictures of animals. i can't wait to decorate it all but first I need to finish cleaning. I actually started yesterday which suprised the fuck out of me. I hate cleaning but sooner or later I'll be getting my refund check and immediatly after I cash it, I'm buying a crib. Like maybe the same day. I really don't like waiting around until the last minute to get important shit done. Which Eric can't seem to understand but he's a stupid man so I don't expect him to understand much anyways.

More good news! My(get ready) sister's baby father's brother's wife Nikki, has offered to throw me a baby shower!! I am elated. It was known that I was freaking out and she loves throwing and hosting shit so she offered her help. I know I complained about having it in a house and what not but she offered it. Noone has offered it except my parents and I'm just damn grateful. I am. Another thing I no longer have to worry about. I had asked Eric to ask his mother ages ago if she was going to help us pay for the originally planned location and he put it off like many other things he puts off, so I'm glad this has been done.

We've been arguing. I don't know how to take it. It's been a while since we have and its scary for it to just start happening again. I'm sure my pregnant horomones have something to do with my anger, but to be fair, he really was being a douche. I hate arguing with him. Last night I cried and got off the phone and threw it. I don't throw things. I find it pointless and juvenille. But I did it anyways. He was purposefully being a douchebag....I don't want to go into too much detail. I'm just scared. I don't want us to hate each other and I know logically that's highly improbable at this stage in our relationship, but its not impossible. We're about to have a baby man. Yipes.

In other news....I had a doctors appointment this past Monday. Went well. He knows where my uterus is...lmao. I can't feel it at all. Apparently it has stretched out well beyond my belly button and is hard or something. I've been trying to find it but it all feels the same to me. He assured me that "he's felt a lot of uteruses" which got me cracking up on the table. Unprofessional I know. I also don't care. I went in at 9:45. I thought I'd only have to see him for a check-up but he also made me go get MORE bloodwork done. This time they made me drink this absolutely wretched, vile, disgusting orange concoction and sit for an hour before they actually drew blood. I was pissed. And it made me all woozy and disoriented cuz it was soooo sweet. It was to like...test my blood sugar or something and I'm pretty sure I'm going to have pregnancy diabetes. I already have pregnancy induced hypertension. That sucks. He made me get that perscription filled and now I'm on fucking high blood pressure medicine at 20 years old. Yay. I hate taking medicine. I really really do. Hopefully after I give birth, I can get off of it. I feel so fat....icky.

Happy Birthday Eric!!

Amazing how I'm never doing anything yet I generally don't post very often. It slips my mind I guess. Eric is the internet buff, not I.

Speaking of mon amour, it's his 20th birthday today!!! I'm really excited because I got him some gifts I've been wanting to get him for a while. I'm afraid of his reaction. We usually tell each other what we're getting the other to ensure that no mistakes are made. I wanted to genuinely suprise him this time. Its nothing big or shiny or amazingly expensive, but I did listen to what he'd been saying and applied that to my purchases. Plus I've known him long enough to know he'll appreciate it. I plan on getting all pretty to go see him. He hasn't seen me in makeup in God knows how long but he will today! I'm turning it out!! Maybe he'll take pictures....

So my mom bought a changing table for the baby. It's white...thank God. My room is very bright so I was loathing her finding any deals on dark wood furniture for the baby. We both have to start cleaning out my room so that we can fit all this shit in it. I'm excited. I really am. I like decorating. Had an ultrasound on Wednesday. This baby is 2 freaking pounds already!! It doesn't feel like it. I don't think I'm gonna get much bigger. My belly is rounding out but its not actually growing much. I was fatter than this this time last year. I keep telling people that and they don't believe me. I'm like "This weight? This is one fuck of a comfort after last year!" Oh well. It doesn't matter.

I'm really getting tired of this having to piss so bad thing. It feels like I can't go out in public because I never know when I'm going to have to run off the bus to go. I almost did that yesterday but I just crossed my legs and kept singing. That helps but my mom says soon enough that won't help. When I have to go....I need to go. Oh well. I've decided to try and stop complaining(at least out loud) about the negative parts of pregnancy. I have started to notice many positives. Like, I never stand on the bus or subway anymore. EVER. And my appetite has decreased but what I like to eat has increased(I'm a picky eater). I wake up earlier which gives me more time during the day. My sex drive is way way up and Eric and I rarely argue anymore. I don't have to carry anything over 10 pounds and people are always willing to talk to me. I feel blessed.

I found out one of my friends is on her second pregnancy and due in like 2 weeks. I feel horrible. She and I were really close at one pont and now she's done so much and been through even more and I haven't been there for her. I had wanted to see her after she gave birth to her first son...I failed miserably. I just didn't make the time when I had it. I wonder often now if thats what will happen to me. Granted, I don't really fuck with anybody so there aren't people that could just drop out of my life, but still. Who'll disappear after Eric is born? As long as its not his daddy I think I'll be ok. I had a dream last night that we lived together and our son walked in on me sucking his dick. It was funny. I think it scarred him for life but in our defense I was sucking noisily and he didn't knock. He just bust in our shit(that's what they said-at our 3some) and started spazzing. Is it wrong that I hope that happens in reality?

Boy O Boy

So apparently, I'm stupid.

I've been stressing out about a place to have a baby shower. I'm the type of person who likes to plan things out very far in advance. I don't like waiting until the last minute. So today, at Eric's house, I started calling rec centers throughout the city to compare prices and availability. We found the perfect place. Its not far from here and easily accessible. It'd be $300 for 6 hours, which is better than most other places rates of $75/hour. We'd end up paying the same for less time. I was throughly excited and happy and ready to go check the place out and put down a deposit and start putting out invitations. Well not just yet because its still really early, but at least I could buy them and get myself ready. I'm already starting to collect addresses. We told his mom and she thought it was an excellent idea as well as price. I have yet to tell my best friend, but I'm sure she'll be happy about it especially since she had already decided she was going to help us pay for it. Great fucking news right?

I thought so. Until I got back home and decided to share this news with my parents. Who immediatly attacked me and called me stupid on oh so many different levels. It's too expensive they say. I tried to explain that Eric and I aren't paying for this by ourselves. They don't care because whomever is helping should be using that money to help out with the baby. I say..."Where do you propose we have it then?" "Here." Fuck no. I would never, ever have my baby shower in this house. I don't like it. I don't want to. I couldn't stand to have people know that this is where we live. And they ask how many people do I plan on having come. I guesstimate 50. They laugh and tell me there's no way that many people would want to come and they wouldn't show up and how ludacris of us to expect that our friends would show up to something so important to us! HOW FUCKING SILLY OF US. My father even goes so far as to say that if I'd rather spend $300 on a room for a baby shower than on neccesary tools or furniture for my child, then I obviously don't care about him. Him being my child of course. They sat and called me stupid and crazy for at least 10 minutes completely ruining any happiness I had previously felt.

We don't have enough space. There's no one rooom for people to congregate in this house. They wouldn't be allowed upstairs unless they had to use the bathroom and they'd all have to stand for lack of seating. We could only have people in the hallway and the living room. Two counches and maybe 10 random chairs. That don't match. Forgive me for being a stickler for things matching and looking nice. I'm having a boy and the fucking walls are pink for Pete's sake! With an Asian theme. I can't make that into a place where I'd want to have a baby shower. Plus, my father is NOT invited under any circumstances and he'd raise hell if he couldn't be in his own house. He's a jerk...he really is. Putting him around other people, especially a large gathering of them, is like mixing sulfuric acid and sodium chloride.He likes to pick on people. And Eric doesn't want him there and neither do I. I'd like to decorate my baby shower. I'd like to be in control of what happens and when.

I understand they they want me to save money and not waste it. But how could doing something that would make me happy be wasteful? Its something that both of us want and would appreciate. I also appreciate the fact that they would let me use the house to have it but they aren't seeing my points because they are soley concerned with the cost. I'm worried about the money. I truly am. But I'm not going to let anything take away from my first baby shower for our first son. My dad says that if we rent out the room, then I can't expect them to help us with the baby at all. Which hurts and is bringing tears to my eyes yet again. I don't know. I really don't. I just wanted them to be happy that we were figuring this out on our own. I don't want to ask them for shit all the time. Having a child is like our we can do this. And we can. They don't think so but we can. Fuck them anyway.

There Aren't Enough Bathrooms In this City

I'm getting tired of this having to piss all the time side effect. I really have a problem with public restrooms. Yesterday I had to go to the bathroom at a McDonald's and it was the worst experience ever. The seat was covered in piss, there was no toilet paper or soap, and some liquid was covering the floor. I thanked God for deciding to wear skinny jeans because if my pants had touched that floor I would have died. I'm not joking. Omg the thought now is making my skin crawl. And thankfully I carry anti-bacterial hand stuff around with me. I was thoroughly disgusted. It's like people don't even stop to consider pregnant women having to use their restrooms. But then again...neither did I until I found out I was pregnant.

I'm pissed because my phone is broken. Usually it's just off, but now it's off and broken. And I can't afford a new one for at least another month. Being broke is....really horrible. I'm seriously considering going to a trade school as soon as the baby is born. Maybe in criminal justice. Its not really a trade school, its a get a certificate to do this job kinda thing. I just have have to figure out how much I'll have to pay and how I'll be able to work and take care of a baby and still go to school. If I stay at Centerstage, which I hope I can, I'm sure I'll be able to work out a schedule that'll work. They're quite sympathetic to my needs. You should see them. The practically fall over themselves trying to accomodate me. It's sweet, but a little frustrating. Not just them but everyone who tries so hard to make sure I'm not moving.

My grandmother just sent me some new maternity clothes. I'm excited because there are actually some cute things in there!! I thought she was gonna get me a bunch of stuff that was outdated and horrible looking but most of it is incredibly practical and fashionable. You can't go wrong with a black dress or a plain white shirt. I'm proud of her. Eric III is doing fine. He's starting to kick more forcefully. It doesn't hurt at all anymore. It's actually a bit therapuetic. And it makes me feel good to know he's in there doing just fine. I was reading up on it and they say that this is when he should be kicking the most. He's right on schedule with that shit. I'm scheduled for another ultrasound on the first. I'm looking forward to see how much he's grown. I can see my stomach growing but it seems like noone else can. I'm not pissed about that just concerned. My mom says I shouldn't be worried but I am.

Tim left me a comment that really made me rethink my approach to how I'm looking at my pregnancy. He says I shouldn't feel so insecure but I can't expect him to understand why I do simply because he's a man. And I'm not trying to be sexist. There's so much going on in my head its scary. I'm faced with this brand new prospect of motherhood that I'm not prepared for. Of course I'm feeling insecure about my ability to mother this child, mine and Eric's situation affecting the way our child grows, and many other things. My parents have never met Eric's parents. I don't think they'll like each other. I'm also worried about not being able to relate to my son because he's a boy. I don't like boys and I never have. I've avoided them most of my life. Except their dicks. I like dick. Not to mention, pregnancy makes your horomones fluctuate and act all wierd. But I've been thinking about it much more positively now. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. I love my son and I know he'll love me. I love Eric and I know he'll make a great father and together we'll be a strong parenting force. I'm excited and anxious for these next few months to go by so I can just get all of this over with.

I'm So Happy Spring Is Back!

I'm in love with music.

I always have been but lately I feel its one of the few things that completely takes the stress away from me. I've also started lighting incense again. That always works. I want music to be a big part of Eric's life. I doubt it could be anything else....both of his parents LOVE it so much.....I just wonder if his taste will be diverse. I like more R&B and classical music. Also a lot of oldies...like the funk mixes and shit. Eric loves rap. Not hard core kill a nigga rap but more mellow, introspective shit. That I appreciate. I just don't favor it. I've started being wary about putting headphones on my tummy though. He starts kicking and I can't tell if its a happy kick or if he's freaked out. I don't wanna scare my baby!!

I had a good talk with my father yesterday. About what he expected of me and me of myself. He's actually relieved I made it at least to 20. Of course we both would have liked me to be more settled in life and have a career and shit, but he's offered his support. I told him that I plan on going to like a trade school or something as soon as I can. I need to do something....get certified to something. So we can get a place and not have to rely so heavily on my parents and his mom. He's happy but wishes I could do something with my theater. Me too. I feel so....stupid for waiting this long to get serious about my life. I should have...! Shoulda, coulda, woulda but i didn't and now I can't be all sad and shit. I wonder how many successful actresses have made it after already having a child.

I had a doctors appointment this past wednesday. It went smoothly I guess. They're worried about my blood pressure being too high. It isn't at the moment, but its boderline. They don't seem to understand that I get anxious when I know I'm getting my pressure taken and that makes it higher. They're like..."Oh just calm down and we'll take it again later.". I was especially freaked out this past time because I knew I was getting all my test results back that let me know if I had anything. Like an STD or something. I've been with Eric for damn near 3 years but I still get nervous when I get tested. Especially because apparently, since I've been pregnant I've been with two other people(both girls thank you very much. And yes...Eric was well aware). Plus they tested for things with the baby to see if he's ok. That is STRESSFUL. So yeah, my blood pressure is bound to be a little high. I had to wait 2 weeks to find out that we're both healthy as fuck and we'll be ok. Talk about a load off my shoulders. They gave me a big orange bottle to fill up with my piss. At home over a 24-hour period. That was really horrible. It didn't even fit in the toilet. And taking it back to them on friday was even worse because I had to get on the bus and I was worried about it spilling on the floor or something. I don't know....carrying piss around isn't the greatest task you could ever want...thats all I'm saying.

So EricIII and I are doing just fine, I'm getting closer to my mom and dad, I bought my first maternity clothes, which look nice but don't fit the way I expected at all, and I'm happy. Oh and now when Eric and I have sex, I get to be on top which is a pretty hot twist. I mean I used to climb up there every once in a while but I'd mostly not feel like it. Now that I've read its recommended for pregnancy, I'm more into it. And its fucking HOT. Omg, the other day, I came rainbows. No lie.

Stuntin Like His Daddy

It's a boy. A glorious, exquisite princeling, ready to be schooled and learned in the ways of his father and his fathers father and all of his fathers before them. Not that I even know them.

I'm happy. I am. I wanted a girl, but I knew in my heart it was gonna be a boy. I'm just excited that he's healthy and active and growing on schedule. Its funny. For a few hours, I felt like I was horribly saddened by finding out that he's a boy. But I see now that it wasn't that he's male, it's that I was wrong and I hate being wrong. I love my son. He's gonna be a 3rd. Eric Dante Richardson III. I can't rightly call him Eric though because that's the name I screamed out conceiving him. I'll be calling him Dante....maybe just Donny. I have a son. That's blowing my motherfucking mind.

I am greatly and most chiefly concerned with Eric at this point. I've pretty much been dealing with my own insecurities up to this point. I'm really interested in how he's feeling about all this. I know he'll be a great father. He can't be less because he's a great man. But he said something to me earlier, touching on the relationship that he has with his father, and it got me thinking about his relationship with our son. Its hard at this point because I wish we were married and ready and able to introduce our child into a stable environment upon birth with mother a father living together and raising him equally. I don't like the fact that we live in 2 seperate houses and that he'll have to be transported back and forth from one house to the other. Will that reflect negatively in the way he's raised? And I have the uptmost trust in Eric, as a man as as the father of my child, but I wonder about him not being there emotionally for our son. He's barely there emotionally with me.

I don't know. I just think that my father turned out to be a crappy dad because his father wasn't there for him. My dad stuck by us but he made our lives hell. He still makes our lives as hellish as possible. I don't want Eric's relationship with his father to dictate how he'll be with our son. I'm so scared for him....I love him so much. And it bothers me. I'm SO MAD at his father for not being there. And cutting out something thats so important in a boy's life. And not realizing the effect that its had or trying to fix it. Not that that's remotely fixable, but to not even try? And these thoughts are biased and said in anger, but its how I feel. I'm confused about it. I don't really know how people get on without their fathers. My dad may have been a fright, and still is, but at least he was there. I can't be a dadddy for our son so I'm glad Eric will be. But will he know how? I don't even know how to be a mommy...all I've got down so far is the being pregnant part.

We'll figure it out. I hope to be married and at least in an apartment withing the next 2-3 years. I really don't want my child playing on these streets...at least the ones in my neighborhood. It stinks, there are rats, and the sidewalk is littered with shards or glass and condoms. Living in the city is not an option. Eric lives in a nice part of the city. I don't want him to be raised here.

I'll end this by saying I love my son. And even more than him, his father. Eric has been more than I could ever say to me. He's helped me through so much and put up with so much of my bullshit. He listens and offers the best advice. He's my kind of pervert and thats the best kind there is. I love him so completely and thoroughly its hard to imagine I've ever thought I was in love before. He wholly embodies my defintion of soul mate and I am more than thankful and grateful that he's entered my life. I can't imagine anyone else I'd rather start the rest of my life with. I see many years of laughter and great fun in my future and more than anything...I see him.

Oh and I'm 24 weeks pregnant, the baby weighs 1 pound 6 ounces, and my new due date is July 6th.


And these are cool as shit.

Rescheduled my ultrasound appointment. Its on Monday. Eric's coming. And again....I'm anxious.

The other day I had yet another mental breakdown. It seems like being pregnant is when the tears come the most. I'm really, really tired of crying almost every single day. Although this past time, I felt it was completely legitimate. I woke up to bills. Hospital bills. One for over $800 and the other over $2000. I've never seen a bill in my name worth that much. the one bill was no problem though, because I'm in a program at that hospital so it'll be void. I freaked about the other one though. I understand that medical assistance will take care of it. I know that I don't HAVE to worry about the expenses involving child care and prenatal care. But I do. Eric and my brother didn't seem to understand that it wasn't just the fact that I had these bills to deal with. I had this mental image that when I had kids, I'd have insurance and a house with a yard and be married and everything would be and go perfectly according to plan. Getting those bills was a brutal shove back into my reality. I'm now forced to live a way I never saw. Call it stupid, whatever. I know that rarely anything in life goes as planned. I just thought I could beat it. I have all this shit to worry about now. Like where the fuck are we going to get the money to pay for the things our child needs? As crib, a stroller, diapers, pacifiers....I couldn't even afford to buy myself a new pair of shoes when they were falling apart, HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO CARE FOR A CHILD? Its a rather rude awakening. Holding that bill in my hand....was a reminder. That I'm far from a provider.....I didn't even have the insurance to cover it. I wasn't responsible enough to take care of myself.

I hate hearing that bullshit about, "Having a baby makes you responsible.". I wanted to be responsible before I had it. To ensure my child a worry free and struggle free environment. I know that a lot of poverty stricken mothers think the same way. And yes I am quite impoverished. I make less than $8,000 a year. You can't raise children with that. And I'm sick of Eric reminding me that people will help us. We shouldn't need peoples help because I shouldn't be fucking pregnant in the first place. Not that I shouldn't per say.That we weren't ready. A good family is one that is planned. Where the parents make enough to support their child and don't have to lean on the support of others. I hate feeling indebted to others. Maybe this is just a personal struggle. I am truly happy that I get to be a mother. That I get to raise this child and teach it things a way no one else could. To love and nurture it with all of my heart, body, soul, and being. But I truly wish circumstances were different and that I were ready. I'm not.

Went to prenatal class yesterday. It was informative. I ended up being the only person who bothered to show up so me and the instructor got a lot of my concerns dealt with. I felt good being the only one there because I got one on one learning.....couldn't have asked for better.

I'm Serious This Time!

I set up yet another appointment for my ultrasound. It's on Monday at 10 AM. And I haven't really stopped smiling since. My dad is confused as to mhy I want to know if we're having a boy or girl. Apparently in the Stonbe Age, that was frowned upon. Fuck that shit!! I wanna know!!

So we've decided on Audrey if its a girl. I like the name Damon for a boy but we'll most likely end up making it a third. Its weird that Eric's a junior. It's weird that I have to think about this shit so early in life.....I really can't stop thinking about anything else. I'm having a baby. I'M HAVING A BABY!!

As far as how the baby is developing.....the kicks and punches are becoming distinguishable. Barely, but its still exciting. He wakes me up most nights with a swift kick to my left side. Without fail. I find it cute. I still don't have any cravings which is frustrating people. Its like they want me to be stuffing my face all damn day. I already feel fat as hell and I'm perfectly content with just eating when I'm hungry. I have the mental capacity to stop my self from gorging. Plus its really uncomfortable to sleep with a full stomach and a baby.

I wish I had pictures and shit to put up but I'm not comfortable with the way I look yet. Eric thinks I'm still sexy which should be enough but its not. At all. I used to weigh this much this time last year. And I hated it then. I'd be more comfortable with it if my belly was round instead of flabby and fat. And its really discouraging to have people try to feel your baby kick but they can't through your fat. My brother, sister, and father all had their hands on my belly while the baby was kicking the shit out of me and they couldn't feel a thing. I was embarrassed beyond belief. Gotta take it with a smile though. Doesn't necessarily make me happy but I find solace in the fact that I'm about to be a mother and my child doesn't care what I look like. I wanna be the hot mom though.

I'm Fucking Dying Over Here

So I never did find out what type of baby we're having. I haven't completed my medical assistance paperwork(i.e bring in my birth certificate) so they can't give me an ultrasound or anything until I do. I was truly more livid than I've been in a really long time. The fact that they set up the appointment knowing I didn't bring in my certificate burned me so bad. I asked how they were even able to make a mistake like that. I got lots of apologies and reassurances but nothing the could do made me feel any better. I just knew that I was going to find out if I was having a girl or a boy and the fact that they took that away from me made me hurt. I didn't cry until I got outside. I proceeded to march through the streets of Baltimore with tears streaming down my face. I'd pull myself together to just lose it all over again halfway down the block. I don't mind looking like a crazy person though.

It wasn't just anger at the hospital though. I was mad at myself. For having lost the damn thing to begin with and subjecting myself to the agonizing torture that is waiting. Now I have to go back and set up all these damn appointments all over again. I was upset because I felt as though I had disappointed everyone that was expecting to hear what we're having. I still can't set up a baby shower. I don't know where to have it or who to invite. I don't know wtf a baby shower consists of!! Do I have to cook? Buy a cake? I thought other people set this shit up for you......*sigh*

At any rate nothing else has been going on. My aunt and grandmother bought me these 2 maternity shirts. They're....sweet. My mom is now in Virginia recovering from her brain aneurysm surgery. That was heartbreaking as well. I hate seeing my mother in pain. I went and saw her at the hospital and nearly choked on my tears at least 35 times. She looked so helpless and defeated. She says she feels great now though. A bit of pain when she puts too much pressure on the leg with the incision and an uncomfortable pressure when she pisses. I keep having these insane nightmares. The other day I had a zombie dream. I cut the head off of one and kicked it off to the side. It spun around and lunged at me. Woke me right the fuck up and I couldn't go back to sleep. And last night I had a dream that Eric and I went to the doctors and they told me that my baby didn't have a heartbeat. I cried in the dream and when I woke up my pillow was wet. Maybe that was drool but still. Creeps me out.

The Anticipation Is Killing Me

So today I have an appointment at 2PM to see if we're having a boy or girl.

I am losing my mind.

I knew it was only a matter of time before I found out, but I am so fucking anxious. I just wish I was already on my way there. Fuckdribbles. Oh well. Yesterday I met my doctor for the first tiome. I know most girls are used to getting their PAP smears and uterine exams done, but I've never felt comfortable with another person sticking shit thats not a dick, tongue, or not gloved finger in me. Yeah that's vulgar-my bad. At any rate, he(and yeah I would have preferred a female doctor) did all that and it was really hard not to burst out laughing sitting up there on the table. And he did my breasts which are becoming increasingly sensitive. That was very uncomfortable to say the least. Every time he brushed my nipple my breath caught. I wonder if he noticed.

So at this point he says I'm lined up exactly how I should be at 21 weeks. My uterus is stretching nicely....I couldn't believe a man said those words to me but he did. I heard the heart beat for the first time. And cried AGAIN. He thought something was wrong with me. I assured him I'm so so excited and overwhelmed at this living thing inside of me. I am. Everyday feels like an adventure. I know he's supposed to grow a lot in these next few weeks. I wanted to put pictures up of my belly as it grows, but right now it just looks like a glob of fat. Which is what it was before. OMG I'M 191 POUNDS! I almost shat myself. I worked really fucking hard to get down to a size 12/13 last summer and this baby has ruined my efforts in 5 months. That is ridiculous. It better be glad I had kept my fat clothes. Although Eric and others are really pressuring me to get some maternity clothes. I think I'll head down to Target today after my appointment and see whats on the clearance rack. Cuz I'm broke as shit.



Thats what it feels like too.

I've Got This Constant Headache

Eh. Not much going on. I'm thankful for that. I told a man I was gay today on the bus. I must not look that pregnant because he believed me. He was drunk or something and kept telling me how sexy I was. Which is flattering, but I had on my "Have a gay day" t-shirt and my purse that's covered in rainbows. I hate it when men try to talk to me when I'm obviously trying to pretend I'm gay. Lol.

So I talked to both of my grandmothers yesterday. That was good. I tried to tell my dad's mom the day I found out but she's been in Atlantic city with her boyfriend. That freaks me the fuck out. They're old. And probably doing it. I asked her once if they kiss and she started giggling and blushing. Blech. At any rate, she's happy for me. She had much counsel but she's always been the type of woman who relishes mistakes because you learn from them. She said it was gonna happen sooner or later, its obvious that Eric and I want to be together, and that she has complete faith in mine and Eric's(that was bad grammar) ability to raise our child. I hadn't known that when she had my father she was still in her parents house. She gives off this aura of a woman who has always and will always have her shit together. I'm proud to be her grandaughter and happy that at least, if nothing else, I was able to have my child before she inevitably passes. I look forward to knowing my child will be a better person learning from her.

Now I feel bad because I don't have such great stuff to say about my mother's mom. It's funny. You'd think that it'd be the other way around....my dads mom being my mom's mom and vice versa. Oh well. She congratulated me which was...very unexpected. She's a very traditional type of woman and I thought she'd be crying for me. I know she's really disappointed but as long as she doesn't act all weird around me I'll be fine. I still love her and shit. She just wanted to know how much weight I've gained and all those boring little details. She didn't once ask me how I felt about it. I wish I could talk to her about it. I'd love to have that connection with my grandmother.

One day at a time i guess. Baby keeps kicking the shit out of me. That sucks.

Oh Lord.

Lots of shit going on these past few days. On Sunday,while on my way to work, I started having pains in my stomach. When the baby moved, I would have like a short sharp pain followed by extreme discomfort. Not pleasant. I couldn't deal with the customers at the window because my posture was so bad and I looked sick. It was my choice though so I don't feel too bad. It kept going on all day. I'd be sitting and then boom! baby moves, I'm in pain. It hurt to the point of tears. So I told my mom. She immediatly suggested a trip to the emergency room for fear of miscarriage.

And that's when my world started falling apart. The physical pain was absoluetly nothing compared to the mental grief that the thought of losing this child brought. I just found out I'm pregnant and now I had to think about losing it? I've been going through countless name lists, websites filled with information on having a healthy pregnancy, changed my eating habits, STOPPED SMOKING,....and now you want to tell me I might lose it? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! So I cried. And cried and cried and cried. And I know the people in the emergency room thought that I was in dire pain and in need of serious and immediate medical care, but I didn't have it in me to reassure them or my mother that the pain I could deal with. The loss of my child....well thats another thing all together.

So we sat at waited. I was there for 6 hours. Missed the Oscars in its entirety. (I don't care about the awards. I love to see what people are wearing. The mistakes are the highlight of my day!) I hate the hospital by the way. I really truly do. I had an iv stuck in me for the first time and a lot of blood drawn.....that sucked. I had to close my eyes and hold my mothers hand. They kept asking me all these questions and I just wanted to shout "JUST TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY BABY!!" I have more self control that that though. Turns out, my baby is breech.

"A breech presentation occurs when the baby presents feet first as opposed to head first. Because a breech presentation can lead to complications during delivery, it is preferable to help the baby turn so that it is in the head first position prior to birth."

I'm not fucking happy about that.

I don't want complications. But I am grateful of the fact that I am not miscarrying and my baby is otherwise quite healthy. I also found out I am 20 weeks pregnant instead of my previously forecasted 17. I'm flippin 5 months pregnant. What the holy shitfuck. I have 4 months to get ready for this....experience.

But alas, I am not finished with my tale! So on my way home I'm happy that we're ok but stressing about only having 4 months and telling my father that I'm pregnant. Initially, he handled it better than I anticipated. I really thought I was going to be dead or put out. He just repeated my name over and over, told me I was a statistic, and that that's what happens when you play with fire. Blah bliggety. Yesterday, I'm watching my 4 year old niece when decides it would be the perfext time to shatter my confidence level and destroy my psyche. With my niece standing right there. He's pretty much the most hateful person I've ever had the displeasure of knowing. He tells me that I shouldn't tell people I'm pregnant because its not something to be proud of its something I should be ashamed of. That I'm stupid and need to thank my lucky fucking stars that he's gracious enough to let me stay in his house. That I'll be on welfare for the rest of my life. I told him that I really didn't need his negativity and he laughed at me and said that as long as I was living here I'd have to deal with it. "Or," he said with his eyes sparkling the way only a tyrants can when they're knowingly ruining lives "you can leave." I really hate him. Eric says don't let him touch the baby but I can't stop him from doing whatever it is he wants. Thats another story though.

I end up crying even more. My eyes really fucking hurt by the way. I haven't cried this much since my grandfather died. I escaped to Eric's house. Where his mother showed me all the gracious, loving-kindness I think everyone should recieve. Especially when they're pregnant. I felt doted on. She went and got me some ice cream and cake....which was delicious and much appreciated. And Eric felt our child move for the first time. I was scared at first because I thought it would scare him senseless, but he was as excited as I was. AND WE HAD SEX!! I really needed that. It was different because it was the first time since we've known I'm pregnant. It felt very technical....almost back to basics. Not to say it wasn't good.....it was amazing as usual....but it lacked passion. I guess I'll have to get used to that until we get comfortable and know which postions don't hurt me and all that shit. But I was glad I could be with him and feel like we know what we're doing and that everything will be alright. I'm so happy that he makes me so comfortable. He's still a filthy pervert but I love him.

In conclusion, I hope I have no more whirlwind days like these past 2. I'm cried out and wish I had a nice fat ass blunt to smoke. Oh well. I set up a doctors appointment at Maryland General Hospital for next Tuesday at 12. I'm, of course, nervous, but thats because I don't have my birth certificate or id. The id is in the mail though and the bc will be soon. It'll work itself out.

20 WEEKS AND COUNTING!!